The Anatomy Song
The sun does not only shine on my face
But I also feel the warm embrace
From the ends of the hair to the heel
From the food on the lips to the anal scene
And the clouds brings not emptiness
On the eyes, the ears, the hairy chest
Brings only heightened chills
And all these lovely cheers
The heart’s on a marathon
Brain’s HDD needs restoration
Stomach craves your sweetness
Eyes only see your cuteness
The nose misses your freshness
Ears are desperate for the voice
That makes this the right choice
Yeah they need you,
Baby I need you…
The rain that wets the cheeks at night
Is overpowered by the love inside
Enabling the senses to have that might
Hormones are acting up
Sebaceous glands are sleeping tight
And the organs enjoy the party lights
And loneliness is out of sight
Cause you’re now here inside…
The heart’s on a marathon
Lungs deserve resuscitation
The liver needs your comfort
Hands are lonely without yours
Skin needs your touching
The lips can’t stop talking
Can’t keep him from speaking
(Your precious name)
Yeah they need you
Baby I need you…
Ive known you for a month or two
But my pulse, my nodes and secreted juice
My blood and my one and only cerebellum
Sings “It might be you”
Im hungry for that sweet caress
Ribcage needs embrace, nothing less
The lips they care for yours, no one else
OK, Perineum region be cool.
The heart’s on a marathon
The voice box, on silent tone
Not flexible, my funny bones
Muscles are now dummy clones
Kidneys can’t avoid the forming stone
Veins, arteries, capillaries’ formation
Delivers the message, they’re not alone
Yeah they need you
Baby I need you…
But now that you’re here beside me
It’s symmetrical- like serendipity
A reality as true as the flexible spinal column
Decoding the pancreas for all that reasons
The breath of fresh air that fills my system core
Refreshes the hypothalamus again, once more
Reminds the forgotten aorta and the heart
Chambers one, two, three and four!
Systems are now in order
Cardiovascular hearts you forever
Nervous won’t break our pact, never
Digestive, he craves for you, kindly share…
Ever active Mr. Reproductive,
Can make us very interactive
Skeletal’s blue print, you’re the missing clue
Integumentary will never feel forever blue…
A tight hug, my Muscles can now approve
Endrocrine secretes the needed groove
Sympathetic Lymphatic has something to prove
Excretory surely won’t eject our love that is so good
Yeah they need you Boo
Baby I love you…
For the past week I have been suffering from slight insomnia, resulting again to my acne breakout, dark circles around the eyes and bulgy eyebags. Its my fault anyhow. Given the liberty of two extra hours for some “Me” time (I have been working for 12 hours for the past 4.5 years) I always find myself sleeping at 5:30pm just to wake up again at 7:00pm to brush my teeth, wash my face and watch re-runs of Heroes, thus making it difficult for me to catch another sleep. Ok last night was different. For the past few weeks I was meaning to write something again because its been a while since ive written a poem or a song, and yesterday the universe conspired to give me that jolt of inspiration. I made it a point not to fall asleep in the afternoon after work so I busied myself with Plants vs Zombies, watched TV and the re runs and listened to some music. And then Ive heard Martina Mcbride’s song “I Love You” and it hit me, “yeah this is one of my fave song in the world”. It felt something like ‘finding a 500 peso bill on one of my old notebooks that I hid from myself a few years ago’ or ‘eating your favorite ice cream after so many years”. With an idea on my mind and inspiration clinging inside the heart, I think I hit the right emotional chords combined with my funny bones. And thus the Anatomy Song was conceived. Its just that I don’t have my guitar anymore, I cant put the chords in their proper place...
After Ive finished this one… it made me smile. Isang napakalaking ngiti. =D
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The Anatomy Song
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Softdrinks at Pag-ibig
“’Date’ ba ang tawag dito?” tanong ko sa sarili ko habang naglalakad ako papunta sa ating tagpuan. Alas sais y medya ng hapon, katatapos lang ng review mo para sa board exam at ako naman ay katatapos lang din ng aking trabaho, late na ako sa lakad natin, galing pa kasi akong Antipolo. Pero nang magtagpo ang ating mga mata at nagdaupang palad ang ating mga kamay, isa lang naman ang napansin ko sa napakaraming emosyon na maaring mabasa ko sa iyong mukha, masaya ka at ganun din ako, malamang mas doble nga lamang ang kasiyahang nararamdaman ko. Ilang sandali pa ay binabaybay na natin ang madilim na pasilyong maghahatid sa atin sa ating upuan sa loob ng sinehan. Dala-dala mo ang aking biniling softdrinks at tangan ko naman ang popcorn na ating pagsasaluhan sa loob ng ilang oras na panonood ng sine. Hindi ko hilig dati na manood ng sine, bukod sa mahal ay ipapalabas din naman yan sa cable channels sa hinaharap. Pero dahil paborito mo si Spiderman, sumama ako na walang anumang pagtutol at isa pa makakatabi kita sa madilim at malamig na sinehan. Nagsimula ang palabas, iniabot mo sa akin ang softdrinks, nasa gitna natin ang popcorn. Busy ka sa kakanguya ng popcorn habang titig na titig sa screen, ako nama’y nakukuryente pag nagkakadikit ang ating balikat at pagnakakasalubong ang ating daliri sa bucket ng popcorn. Alam mo ba ang pinili mong popcorn ay medyo maanghang, nasa kalagitnaan pa lamang ng pelikula ay naubos ko na ang softdrinks. Lalabas sana ako para bumili ulet pero ibinigay mo na lang ang natitirang softdrinks mo sa akin. Napatitig ako sa straw ng softdrinks mo at inisip na ang mga labi mo ang lumapat doon… Yun ang unang pagkakataon na nalaman ko na mahal nga kita. Dahil sa halip na itinapon ko ang baso (na may larawan ni Spidey) at straw na pinaglamanan ng softdrinks mo, isinilid ko iyon sa bag at iniuwi sa bahay. Alam mo hanggang ngayon nasa cabinet ko pa rin sya at inaalikabok na.
Insurance at Pag-ibig
“Ok ba ang explanations ko sir?” Pagtatapos ng napakahaba mong litanya sa ibinebenta mo sa aking insurance. Ngingiti ngiti ka pa habang hinihintay akong magtanong. Paano kaya kung sabihin ko sayo na kahit walang eksplanasyon ang mga bagay na ito, bastat ikaw wala nang estse buretse. Unang buka pa lamang ng bibig mo ay napapapayag mo na kagad ako, pirma ko na lamang ang kulang. Balewala ang lamig ng aircon ng restawran pagkat ngiti mo pa lamang ay nasisilaw at napapaso na ako. Alam mo hindi naman ako mahilig sa mga Insurance, hindi ako marunong sa mga ganyang bagay, Wala nga akong plano sa hinaharap. Kuntento na ako kung anuman ang meron ako sa kasalukuyan. Ang mas ikinagagalak ko ay dahil sa pamamagitan ng Insurance na inaalok mo, mas mapapalimit ang ating pagkikita- isang beses sa isang buwan, pagkat kokolektahin mo ang kabayaran ko. Naganap nga iyon, sa bawat pagkikita natin nagpapang abot ang ating mga kamay upang iabot ang tunay na rason ng mga sandaling iyon. Ngunit batid sa iyong kaalaman mas higit pa doon ang aking dahilan, iyon ay upang makita ang ngiti mo, marinig ang boses mo at maramdaman na hindi ako nag-iisa sa mundong ito.
Spaghetti at Pag-ibig
“Ano nga, alin nga, pili na nga…” Pangungulit ko sa iyo. Namiss mo tiyak ang kakulitan ko. Natutuwa ka dati kasi bungisngis ako eh. Nakapila tayo sa Jollibee dyan sa may EDSA-Guadalupe malapit sa apartment na tinutuluyan mo. Katatapos lang ng shift mo at ako naman ay papauwi na sa Batangas. Limang taon ang binilang ng ating pagkakalayo. Nagtrabaho kasi ako sa ibang bansa habang ikaw ay nanatili at nagsusumikap sa trabaho mo dito sa Pilipinas. Malaki na ang pinagbago nating dalawa. Hindi na ako masyadong bungisngis, kumbaga mas seryoso na ako sa buhay. Nagbago na rin ang mga ngiti mo. Naaninag ko sa iyong mga mata, habang nakasakay tayo sa jeepney patungo sa apartment mo, ang lungkot na iyong nadarama. Ilang beses mo bang nasabi sa akin na hindi ka na masaya? Ilang beses mo rin nasabi na “OK lang iyon pagkat masasaya naman ang mga nakapaligid sa akin”? Kasing pula ng spaghetti na ating kinain ang mga pinagdaanan nating pagsubok sa ating buhay. Maaring kasing salimuot ng mga hibla ng spaghetti ang buhay nating dalawa sa mga nakalipas na taon na tayoy magkalayo. Wala ako doon noong kailangang kailangan mo ng kaibigan, wala ka din sa buhay ko noong sobrang lungkot at lumbay ang pinagdadaanan ko. Patas lang, ika nga nila. Sa kaunaunahang pagkakataon simula noong napatibok mo ang puso ko sa ating unang pagkikita hanggang sa sandaling naging matalik tayong magkaibigan patungo sa pagkakataong nawalan tayo ng saysay sa isat isa, maibabalik kaya ng ating unang halik ang mga magagandang ala ala? Mapapawi ba noon ang lahat ng ating mga sakit na nararamadaman? Maari kayang manatili na lamang tayo sa isat isa at huwag nang intindihin ang mundong puro pasakit lamang ang idinudulot? Maari siguro o baka panandalian lang na lunas iyon.
Ikaw at Pag-ibig
“Mahal kita at hindi na magbabago iyon…” Iyan naman palagi ang sinasabi mo pag magkausap tayo, pero bakit ba hindi ko maramdaman. Siguro kasing dami ng beses na sinabi mo iyon ay kasing dami o higit pa na ako lagi ang nagpaparamdam ng ganung damdamin, kahit walang mga salitang kalakip. Nagbago na nga ako. Humina na ang boltahe ng pag-ibig nung sa kauna- unahang pagkakataon, makalipas ang ilang taon, na tayoy magkatabi sa malamig at madilim na kwarto mo- mahina na ang kuryente nararamdaman ko nang magkadikit ang balat mo sa balat ko. Akala ko noon lubusan na muli akong mahuhulog, pero bakit hindi iyon nangyari? Iniisip ko pa rin ang sagot.
Kung dati ang pag-ibig ko sa iyoy hindi na kailangan pa ng ekplanasyon, ngayon hindi ko na madiretsa ang langit kung mahal pa nga kita o hindi na… hindi ko maipaliwanag sa iyo ang tunay kong nararamdaman. Dati kasi tuwid ang dinadaanan ko papunta sa iyo, pero bakit ngayon hindi na ako sigurado kung aling kalye ba ang tutunguhin ko, bali-baliko na ang landas papunta sa buhay mo.
Ngayong handa ka nang mahalin ako, ako naman ang hindi handang mahalin ka, pagkat hindi na ako ang dating nagmamahal sa iyo at hindi na rin ikaw ang dating minahal ko. Pero mahal pa rin kita, maniwala ka, imoprtante ka sa buhay ko. Ikaw naman kasi pinapili na kita dati kung ano ba ako sa buhay mo KAIBIGAN o KA-IBIGAN. Pinili mo akong Kaibigan kaya mula noon naturuan ko ang puso kong makawala sa mga kadenang inilagay mo sa kanya. Hanggang sa nakalaya na ako sa pag-ibig ko sa iyo, at naging kaibigan nga ang turing ko sa iyo.
Naalala ko nung nagpapaalam ako sa iyo na kung pwede na akong magkasyota. Syempre malakas ka sa akin gusto ko aaprubahan mo, umo-o ka naman kasi gusto mo din akong maging masaya. Pero sabi mo nga huwag ko nang sasabihin sa iyo kung saka sakali, masasaktan ka. Ewan ko ba sa iyo.
Paano yan malapit na akong umuwi, mahahanap ko na rin siguro yung Taong hindi lamang sa sinehan ko sasamahan kundi sa lahat ng lugar na nais niyang puntahan, mga lugar na magpapasaya sa kanya. Mararamdaman ko muli ang kakaibang pakiramdam pag maglalapat ang aming kamay habang binibigyan ko siya ng softdrinks o habang magkasalong kumakain ng popcorn. Hahawakan ko ng mahigpit ang mga kamay nya, at hindi bibitaw, mga bagay na hindi mo nagawa sa akin… Hindi Insurance ang iaalok ko sa kanya kundi ang aking puso at buong pagkatao, iyon bagang hindi nakasulat sa papel kundi nakatatak sa puso… para malaman niya na totoo at tapat ang aking pag-ibig, hindi basta basta nabibili. At syempre sisiguraduhin ko na hindi kasinggulo ng hibla ng spaghetti ang magiging buhay namin, papatawanin ko siya araw araw at hindi kailanman papaiyakin…
Eh ikaw paano ka kaya? Hindi na ako pwede sa puso mo eh. Unfair kay inaanak, kay kumare at pati na rin sa akin. Sana noon pa, kaso ngayon huli na ang lahat eh.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
My Dear Shade,
A soulmate. That’s what they call it when someone has that deep affinity to another person. Like you to me. But the magic of two souls being connected is only true when they mutually feel the same attraction with one another, which is not yet true for the both of us. Still I am here, admiring you secretly. An admiration that if counted by the hands of the clock will only last for an hour or two and then after that, it will be replaced by something more cutting-edge, something more profound, that something called love, a tortured and blissful love to you, only you.
Does my love for you show when we are connected by a measly internet connection? Yes indeed. But the feeling is more pronounced the moment the weak connection is interrupted. Yes indeed, I love you more when the truth makes me realize that we are separated not only by distance and time but also by the sun that burns our steed, the oxygen that we breath , the soil that see us weep and the water that sums up our tears. This love is more obvious when your image in my head is replicated a million times, never wanting to be erased, scattered in every corner of the brain, latched and locked in every way possible, making your smile an indelible ink on my soul, making your entirety an unblemished mantra that the mind can never forget. But what can an image do but submerge you in every dream that my subconscious mind creates. Nothing concrete, no evidence in dreaming, dreams are only a sting of truth of “it might or might not happen to us” not unlike the true magic of your presence. The pinch on my arms that leaves the skin red, the memories of the night as I saw the used, crumpled bed sheets, even a whisper of my name from your lips will have a tremendous meaning more than my most lucid dream about you.
A song goes “When you love someone so deeply they become your life…” But wait, there goes that word again, “love”. It is very unfair to that word to be used multiple times by me though it doesn’t at all apply to my condition. Love is always a blend between ‘me’ and ‘you’. It always takes two to love to form ‘us’. It is a feeling shared by two persons who somehow harmonizes each other’s personality, makes the other stronger than usual. They are a one soul trapped into two separate entities, or two different Lego blocks that perfectly fit together, or a uniquely compatible heart jigsaw puzzle. Two people who makes even the unrhythmic rhyme sound so good. But that doesn’t apply to the two of us. Instead of us were just measly me and you. Me who is always alone, trying to figure out how not to be like the wind, strong yet cannot be seen and needing to find away to escape this desert just to belong in the big crowd of a city where You live and to witness everyday how the sun accentuates your lovely face, how by your mere presence would make time (who has his very rude talent of making him so fast when you’re enjoying life) stop. Maybe, just maybe, when finally you realize I’m there beside you, you’ll finally hear the silent, calming, joyful bells. Somehow you’ll realize that your time stops too when were together.
Making it all happen is not an ordinary feat. It is not like just wishing it on a falling star or asking a flower by tearing its petals if “you do or you don’t”. It is not something that can not be magically charmed or transfigured nor can’t be dreamt to reality. I just have to believe in fate’s power that you will find in me what I found in you and together we would eventually find an unavoidable love, serendipity at its finest form. At dawn I will bring you flowers, those wild flowers that were picked before the sun shines accentuated by the moist of morning dew. I want to share with you the gentle breeze of the morning air. I want to marvel on how you stretch your smooth legs as you go down the staircase and be amazed on how you smile and laugh on my corny jokes. How’d I hoped that someday we might share the same wondrous captivation, this unexplainable admiration, the inescapable wonderment. I want to know and protect your deepest secrets and fulfill your hearts wishes and desires. Let me shine in your life when you are tired and sad, when darkness and fear clouds everything. I want to be the one who will trace your unswayed strings and play the chords of our soul’s symphony. I want to be the one to peal the soft fabric that touches your skin, to untie and relinquish all of what you are so that you would be free from those which make your body and soul weak, to enable me to share my heat and strength to you to never again be swayed by darkness and fear. At the end of the day I want to watch how the moon shines upon your perfect face and feel how glorious it is to sleep beside the only one that meant the world to me.
I want to have an unending love story with you. A love that can withstand any typhoons or tsunamis or disasters that nature can muster. A love that has grown in humongous quality that a single status on twitter would make us a trending topic or just a single entry about us on a blog would make millions of hits. A love story that would be told through masterpiece paintings or a critically acclaimed film or a Billboard No. 1 song, but neither the tweeps nor the bloggers, neither the painters nor the composers, neither the moviemakers nor the novelists can ever encapsulate or express what we have become, no one can ever explain how You and I, two souls became just one, just Us. No other people can explain how I will offer my life for you and die just to live again forever by your side because of our love. No one could ever convey how the world comes to an end because of the power of our tremendous kiss just to be made whole again after we make love…
I want you Shade; I need you in my life…
Please leave all the worries and fears behind, I’m here patiently waiting for you in this lonely shed. Please don’t delay, unless otherwise the time that you spent away from me makes our first meeting a more passionate and unforgettable event in our lives. It makes me wonder how bright would be your first smile, how deep would be your exhalations, how warm would be our first touch, how handsome you would be on our first date, and the way we would start the day together and end it with a growing love in our hearts…
Finally I realize now how I started living again when I loved you and I know no other forces in this world can ever end it.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
There were those moments that I wake up in the middle of the night wishing it was already morning. I can’t stand to see you in my dreams. So tired of sleeping, wishing the cold bath of the summer morning can wash away all the memories of the unknown nights. Hating the mirror, angry at the face that will show up in front of me- afraid of how too much that I need to change just to get back on track and yes, normally live my life again. Forget about neither the sunblock nor the makeup, I have mastered to hide all of my scars and miseries with just one tiny armor- called smile. Though I’m not yet ready to face the new day, what can I do but charge on the battle unprepared each and every day of this life.
I can walk with my face up now, tears learned to contain themselves, away from the sunlight- but after the curtain falls and the show ends, sometimes they form different streams on the flesh- from that brown colored ball to the brown colored sand. That’s why I sleep without the lights, I am afraid to see their plight.
I can talk normally now and my fragile voice obeys me, persistent he has been, to forget the music of your name, the sweetness of how it rhymes with my love, the sound of it that rhymes with mine and how it crushed it into tiny little pieces. But even the obedient voice can have his flaw, and that is you. But now he learns how to speak your name, a name that is only a combination of letters no more, no less… only a word without meaning.
I can almost taste what we have become, and it is bland without even a tinge of excitement or thrill. The sweetness was actually artificial only, not genuine, not natural. It was only fabricated by the heart to believe that there was actually something true between the both of us, but there aint really. It was only good enough for a certain period just like all manufactured delicacies that we ate at the classy restaurant. And after the shelf life has expired, we were useless, tasteless-yes, but deadly, it has no value whatsoever, what a pity.
I can talk about you now, I don’t cry anymore. I can laugh a bit louder without you. It is a payment to all those forgotten happiness that you have taken away… Joys that I have permitted you to take away from me…
But things change. Waiting was my cup of tea… And as I wait in this lonesome world, I started to see a different hue, a different shade, a different sunrise, a more glorious sunset. I remembered to see the blue sky and how it makes me closer to the people who truly love me, the people that in my selfishness I have taken for granted, even forgotten for a while. I started to see a different shade of the life I should live for myself and not for you, a different Shade that I should wait… a Shade that I should search, the Shade that deserves my love, my everything, my life…
Someone said that love breaks everything, makes the heart fail, ruins life, even kills. Nobody is exempted and no one will survive. But I got over you last night…
My eyes learned to dry the well that contains my tears…
My voice finally forgot the music of your name…
My ears cant remember the rhyme of our names
I forgot the way my love for you feels…
I cant recall the taste nor the smell of the pain after you left…
And yes im still alive.
I can almost feel the new wind now and how it warms my soul…
and Im almost healed now…
Like a rock that looks upon the horizon… Scorched by life’s relentless heat, frozen by loves twisted chill and tortured by agonizing loneliness - ill patiently wait for my Shade.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
You’ll wake up one day and realize that the world has turned so dark that there is no difference between eyes closed and eyes wide open. It would seem that you have been alone all this time just like the night before and the days that were already gone. No one will wake you up, no friends to text you back, no family to reassure that you are still home, no teacher to appreciate your hard work, your boss will hate your reports, eager to let you go for you have proven youre just a liability. You’ll feel hope is all but lost and will never be found in this array, the world has turned its back on you, no shine, no light, no warmth and no assurance that there is still tomorrow. Just black and cold.
Will there still be reasons to go up and fix your bed, wash your head and run ahead of traffic just to get through another worthless day in your life…? Yeah sometimes it feels like shit is in your head, really.
Then you sit in one corner, the place where you used to feel heaven, but now just feels hell (well that’s the prize to pay when reminiscing good old days which will never happen again, bitterness kicking in), and you see your friends chatting merrily, people on the other corner laughing so hard it makes you sad, lovers holding hands as they spread the love around the street. And then you wonder why can’t you be like them…?
What the hell happened, what have you done wrong, have you inflicted so much pain to someone in the past to deserve this fate...? you ask yourself...
Why cant you be happy when you buy a new phone to connect to people, to friends, to love ones? or the newest gadget to boot? Why do you feel sad to know that someone is happy with somebody else? Why cant you fill your cup of happiness with the one night stand that happened to you the night before or the nice little chat you have in a party that you attended a week ago? You still feel empty whenever you hear that the boss has commended your report with the thought that there is no significant someone to congratulate and kiss you? You thought you have let go of the past just to realize that you haven’t when by chance you pass by the street when you and him have declared youre all over and done…? Why does the pain still linger in your system that all incoming happiness, have been one by one murdered, killed. The pain leaves a hole in the heart never wanting it to be filled with happiness.
On the bus, going home, you cry. The misty glass window of the cold bus blurs your vision and it hinders you to look outside the window to see the flickering hope that the darkness has in stored for you. Though the pain in your heart has left a gaping hole in the heart, it never failed to put a stopper in the drain of your eyes. You feel the intense emotions building up and the body, you thought was strong enough to contain it, weeps. You let them fall in your cheeks and unto your sleeves, leaving them to trail their rightful way from your eyes to the ground, wishing someone might wipe it for you, wishing that this someone is the one that made you cry.
You come home, and burns your food to reflect how burned out you have become and how messy this life can be. You turn the music so loud it hinders you to hear the hearts howl of pain and numbs the ear so that it could forget how the wind spells out the name, a name you yourself don’t want to forget. You read lots and lots of books to occupy the mind just to be reminded one more time about how you danced in the moonlight and how he has promised you the moons and the stars of the night. You’re heart is broken all right and it made you tear up your whole being, into tiny little pieces like a jigsaw puzzle that might take years and a special help to be put back together again, because you believe by doing so makes you feel the reality kicking in and brings you back to life once again. But what if the wind blew so strong it scattered the pieces to faraway places, what a nightmare, what darkness have you brought upon yourself.
In the silence of the day, in the darkness of the night, someday, in time, pain will subside. Youll have the reason to wipe the misty glass windowto enable you to see the little sparkling hope in the street. There is no need to burn the food you eat. Someday deafness will not be an option, no need to forget anything. Someday youll be fine, everything will be ok, things will turn out quite well, and youll again start to smile and see the beauty even immediately after you open your eyes from the scary night. In time.
Soon enough youll learn that hope has never left you at all, its like the wind that is caressing you at the face, sometimes slaps you, yes, when youre numb and crazy. Sooner or later youll learn that there is one thing that really matters in this world, the only one reason why the world still turns in its axis- love. Someday youll learn that love never wanted to harm anyone, its just the people that misuses it that turns the ordeal so hard for other people… One day we will all realize that quite inexplicably Love really fades during the solitude, cold night; for some it is just lost... but lets just always remember that being lost is so close to being found... but then of course Love in its truest form can be found, it is simply a matter of time. Once it is with us, even if the person who made us feel that truest form leaves, Love's warmth will linger on us forever. Let love open your eyes to the beauty of life, its even evident in the darkness of the darkest night, you just have to open your heart to see it.
Maybe someday, youll experience the pain again, and hopefully youll understand that without it we cannot appreciate true happiness, that all things that are easily achieved are not meant to last. Hope is always up, so get out of bed, fix your life and live your life to its fullest potential - that is to Love.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
It’s already 11pm and I can’t sleep. I used to sleep late yes, but since the acne on my left cheek is starting to make an uninvited appearance again makes me think otherwise. Indeed it’s a wise decision to sleep early as possible to prevent acne explosion of which I’ve deduced is due to my lack of sleep and stress.
But tonight’s a different night. I was about to go to sleep when I decided to listen to old OPM songs to once again be lost, eyes closed and hands above my heart, to somewhere I always wanted to be- a meadow with only the stars providing weak solitude lights. I used to do this when I was young, and carefree, when the entire world was just a playground, when shooting stars were fireworks that I used to count and make simple wishes. Those forgotten wishes, whether they came true or not, is not the question, but instead to what place the lost innocent feelings of the young me has taken refuge, the lost and distant me- as I was below the twinkling lights, as the old radio hums old songs speaking of true love and broken hearts.
And then it played, ‘the song that made me fall in love with you’. The one song that can relate to how much my old self wanted to make you love me too. The only song that reminds me how good and kind it is to love and how difficult it is to let go. But how come that my past with you is intertwined to my past with him… How can my history book combine my happy chapter with you with my tragic and heart rending arc with him… I am sorry but I cant even grasp the reason why. I can only guess.
Maybe our story happened for me to be prepared for his onslaught. Maybe you were the GOOD in the balance between good and evil. I hate to deduce that he is on the other end of the scale, but the unspeakable act that he has done to my soul, speaks otherwise.
Ive read in an article, some months or a year back, that before we can grow up we must fall in love three times. The three “musts” in my own interpretation:
Once we must fall in love with someone who we believe to be perfect. The person who would be our ideal partner, qualities we almost always wanted to have, that someone so surreal that its like a dream standing, sitting, talking with him… and then at the end of the day, when finally he leaves and close the door with finality we will know that no one is perfect, that we should not be tied and belied with all those false interpretation that being perfect is always good. We will eventually realize that we too should be treated well, though imperfect, the way we deserved to be treated.
Once we must fall in love with our best friend, in turn breaking the strong bond of love called Phileo as it is replaced with a fragile bond called Eros. After the friendship is broken forever, we will eventually know the true meaning of companionship, trust, and compassion. At the end of the road we will know who our true friends are, and the thin thread that separates the great thing called friendship from all the other nonsense things.
And once we must fall in love with someone who mirrors our emotions, qualities and dreams. Through him we will know who we truly are as a person, as a lover and as a friend. Through him we will know what we really need in this life and what we wanted to become.
I think I get it now, what that article meant. I fell in love with Sonny whom I always thought was perfect. He was the reason why I rarely admire people, he was indeed ideal, one of a kind… all the qualities I always wanted to have are with him, and thus I loved him. But in the end I wasn’t the perfect one for him. Through him I’ve learned how to love, how to hold on to the feelings and how to wait without even knowing if the road I travel alone is a dead end or not.
I fell in love with Lean whose name was synonymous to the word friendship, whom I always thought would never leave me. But after all things were said and done, I woke up one day alone, the bond of friendship, Phileo, broken forever. Through him I’ve learned how to love and lie at the same time, how to laugh and cry in unison, how to give without expecting anything in return, how to hold on to a promise only to be broken by the infallible truth that not all people who seems that they care, really do care… that not all people who speaks of true friendships, are really genuine. I’ve learned that lies can be intricately woven into situations of valor, of love, of need, of friendship.
I haven’t fallen for someone who mirrors me. Who knows maybe I’m grown up already and need not find this person. Maybe as I stare in the mirror numerous times in the morning I already knew what I wanted, who I am and who I wanted to become. Maybe.
And now I realize that, even though we have the right to be protected from pain we do not have the right to cause the sufferings of others even if it means to be free from it. After what I have been through, I’ve realized it is easy for some to use all efforts to divert their pain into the sufferings of others… on the other hand it is easy for the other half to be the one suffering if it means to alleviate someone from pain. It is indeed a great mystery that the ones we hurt are the persons who love and cherish us. And the people who hurt us are the ones whose love makes us go on, that someone we need the most.
Ive realized that saying sorry in the end of all things isn’t always enough to mend the things we broke, to pay all the memories we shattered. Sorry does not give us the right to continue to live and just leave all the mess behind. It only gives us the reason to start from the beginning, in hopes that as we trudge the road to forgiveness we will learn to change for the better, through this we too can learn to forgive ourselves. It is hypocrisy to say that you know how to love and you are in love when someone else is in pain due to the awful things that you have done. Indeed a sound and peaceful heart and mind can only be achieved when all the sins are absolved, chaos is forgotten, and crimes are given justice. But beyond all things, there is a concept called love and through it forgiveness hopefully would spring…
Indeed love is never a word that needs definition. Love is something that grows when cared and turns cold when left behind. It is a sprout of hope for a new life, ready again to brace the storm. It is a friendship that blooms forever, withstanding the heat of the sun or the cold and cruelty of the winter’s regime. It is only perfect in all aspects when two imperfect persons unite, lifting them up in the air. It is looking in the mirror, and realizing that this earth is filled with all sorts of persons, yes, different from one another, but shares a common mission- that is to love and be loved in return.