Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Of Acnes, Forgotten Wishes, Old Songs and Love


Sprout, originally uploaded by Cloud_AirHeart.

It’s already 11pm and I can’t sleep. I used to sleep late yes, but since the acne on my left cheek is starting to make an uninvited appearance again makes me think otherwise. Indeed it’s a wise decision to sleep early as possible to prevent acne explosion of which I’ve deduced is due to my lack of sleep and stress.

But tonight’s a different night. I was about to go to sleep when I decided to listen to old OPM songs to once again be lost, eyes closed and hands above my heart, to somewhere I always wanted to be- a meadow with only the stars providing weak solitude lights. I used to do this when I was young, and carefree, when the entire world was just a playground, when shooting stars were fireworks that I used to count and make simple wishes. Those forgotten wishes, whether they came true or not, is not the question, but instead to what place the lost innocent feelings of the young me has taken refuge, the lost and distant me- as I was below the twinkling lights, as the old radio hums old songs speaking of true love and broken hearts.

And then it played, ‘the song that made me fall in love with you’. The one song that can relate to how much my old self wanted to make you love me too. The only song that reminds me how good and kind it is to love and how difficult it is to let go. But how come that my past with you is intertwined to my past with him… How can my history book combine my happy chapter with you with my tragic and heart rending arc with him… I am sorry but I cant even grasp the reason why. I can only guess.

Maybe our story happened for me to be prepared for his onslaught. Maybe you were the GOOD in the balance between good and evil. I hate to deduce that he is on the other end of the scale, but the unspeakable act that he has done to my soul, speaks otherwise.

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Ive read in an article, some months or a year back, that before we can grow up we must fall in love three times. The three “musts” in my own interpretation:

Once we must fall in love with someone who we believe to be perfect. The person who would be our ideal partner, qualities we almost always wanted to have, that someone so surreal that its like a dream standing, sitting, talking with him… and then at the end of the day, when finally he leaves and close the door with finality we will know that no one is perfect, that we should not be tied and belied with all those false interpretation that being perfect is always good. We will eventually realize that we too should be treated well, though imperfect, the way we deserved to be treated.

Once we must fall in love with our best friend, in turn breaking the strong bond of love called Phileo as it is replaced with a fragile bond called Eros. After the friendship is broken forever, we will eventually know the true meaning of companionship, trust, and compassion. At the end of the road we will know who our true friends are, and the thin thread that separates the great thing called friendship from all the other nonsense things.

And once we must fall in love with someone who mirrors our emotions, qualities and dreams. Through him we will know who we truly are as a person, as a lover and as a friend. Through him we will know what we really need in this life and what we wanted to become.

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I think I get it now, what that article meant. I fell in love with Sonny whom I always thought was perfect. He was the reason why I rarely admire people, he was indeed ideal, one of a kind… all the qualities I always wanted to have are with him, and thus I loved him. But in the end I wasn’t the perfect one for him. Through him I’ve learned how to love, how to hold on to the feelings and how to wait without even knowing if the road I travel alone is a dead end or not.

I fell in love with Lean whose name was synonymous to the word friendship, whom I always thought would never leave me. But after all things were said and done, I woke up one day alone, the bond of friendship, Phileo, broken forever. Through him I’ve learned how to love and lie at the same time, how to laugh and cry in unison, how to give without expecting anything in return, how to hold on to a promise only to be broken by the infallible truth that not all people who seems that they care, really do care… that not all people who speaks of true friendships, are really genuine. I’ve learned that lies can be intricately woven into situations of valor, of love, of need, of friendship.

I haven’t fallen for someone who mirrors me. Who knows maybe I’m grown up already and need not find this person. Maybe as I stare in the mirror numerous times in the morning I already knew what I wanted, who I am and who I wanted to become. Maybe.

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And now I realize that, even though we have the right to be protected from pain we do not have the right to cause the sufferings of others even if it means to be free from it. After what I have been through, I’ve realized it is easy for some to use all efforts to divert their pain into the sufferings of others… on the other hand it is easy for the other half to be the one suffering if it means to alleviate someone from pain. It is indeed a great mystery that the ones we hurt are the persons who love and cherish us. And the people who hurt us are the ones whose love makes us go on, that someone we need the most.

Ive realized that saying sorry in the end of all things isn’t always enough to mend the things we broke, to pay all the memories we shattered. Sorry does not give us the right to continue to live and just leave all the mess behind. It only gives us the reason to start from the beginning, in hopes that as we trudge the road to forgiveness we will learn to change for the better, through this we too can learn to forgive ourselves. It is hypocrisy to say that you know how to love and you are in love when someone else is in pain due to the awful things that you have done. Indeed a sound and peaceful heart and mind can only be achieved when all the sins are absolved, chaos is forgotten, and crimes are given justice. But beyond all things, there is a concept called love and through it forgiveness hopefully would spring…

Indeed love is never a word that needs definition. Love is something that grows when cared and turns cold when left behind. It is a sprout of hope for a new life, ready again to brace the storm. It is a friendship that blooms forever, withstanding the heat of the sun or the cold and cruelty of the winter’s regime. It is only perfect in all aspects when two imperfect persons unite, lifting them up in the air. It is looking in the mirror, and realizing that this earth is filled with all sorts of persons, yes, different from one another, but shares a common mission- that is to love and be loved in return.

3 comments:

  1. clap clap. i enjoyed reading... again :)

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  2. i like this. :)

    -Rei

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  3. You really have thought hard about what you wrote hear. Na miss ko ang mga sulat mo =)

    Kane

    ReplyDelete