Sunday, July 18, 2010

A Different Shade


The Rock Im Rockin', originally uploaded by Cloud_AirHeart.

There were those moments that I wake up in the middle of the night wishing it was already morning. I can’t stand to see you in my dreams. So tired of sleeping, wishing the cold bath of the summer morning can wash away all the memories of the unknown nights. Hating the mirror, angry at the face that will show up in front of me- afraid of how too much that I need to change just to get back on track and yes, normally live my life again. Forget about neither the sunblock nor the makeup, I have mastered to hide all of my scars and miseries with just one tiny armor- called smile. Though I’m not yet ready to face the new day, what can I do but charge on the battle unprepared each and every day of this life.

I can walk with my face up now, tears learned to contain themselves, away from the sunlight- but after the curtain falls and the show ends, sometimes they form different streams on the flesh- from that brown colored ball to the brown colored sand. That’s why I sleep without the lights, I am afraid to see their plight.

I can talk normally now and my fragile voice obeys me, persistent he has been, to forget the music of your name, the sweetness of how it rhymes with my love, the sound of it that rhymes with mine and how it crushed it into tiny little pieces. But even the obedient voice can have his flaw, and that is you. But now he learns how to speak your name, a name that is only a combination of letters no more, no less… only a word without meaning.

I can almost taste what we have become, and it is bland without even a tinge of excitement or thrill. The sweetness was actually artificial only, not genuine, not natural. It was only fabricated by the heart to believe that there was actually something true between the both of us, but there aint really. It was only good enough for a certain period just like all manufactured delicacies that we ate at the classy restaurant. And after the shelf life has expired, we were useless, tasteless-yes, but deadly, it has no value whatsoever, what a pity.

I can talk about you now, I don’t cry anymore. I can laugh a bit louder without you. It is a payment to all those forgotten happiness that you have taken away… Joys that I have permitted you to take away from me…

But things change. Waiting was my cup of tea… And as I wait in this lonesome world, I started to see a different hue, a different shade, a different sunrise, a more glorious sunset. I remembered to see the blue sky and how it makes me closer to the people who truly love me, the people that in my selfishness I have taken for granted, even forgotten for a while. I started to see a different shade of the life I should live for myself and not for you, a different Shade that I should wait… a Shade that I should search, the Shade that deserves my love, my everything, my life…


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Someone said that love breaks everything, makes the heart fail, ruins life, even kills. Nobody is exempted and no one will survive. But I got over you last night…

My eyes learned to dry the well that contains my tears…
My voice finally forgot the music of your name…
My ears cant remember the rhyme of our names
I forgot the way my love for you feels…
I cant recall the taste nor the smell of the pain after you left…

And yes im still alive.

I can almost feel the new wind now and how it warms my soul…
and Im almost healed now…

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Like a rock that looks upon the horizon… Scorched by life’s relentless heat, frozen by loves twisted chill and tortured by agonizing loneliness - ill patiently wait for my Shade.

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