Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Pandesal

I never liked money that much, though I need it to survive I never depended my happiness on it. I wasn’t good in handling it, i even had phobia on banking- until now, I haven’t maintained any bank accounts- ever since highschool, I don’t even like to have credit cards, its such a burden.

Ironically im here abroad for it, am I happy? At first I was, when I was dreaming- that im here also for a job that will develop my character, and then when I woke up the entire world seems to be all just symbols of materialism. After all those years I have been away I realized ive never been fair to myself, its not complaining or whatever, its just the truth. The money that ive worked so hard every month of those years were not meant just for myself but for my loved ones. Yes ive pleasured myself with luxuries-simple things that keep sadness at bay, but to its fullest extent? No I think not. I haven’t used that material power for myself alone, there’s always someone near who benefits more than I do.
Though sometimes its better to leave the truth inside us, so as not to hurt those we love the most. Its better to leave behind all the gold that you have found to save not just yourself but the ones that matter. Its better to giveaway something that is superficial to gain some peace within. Its better to forget all the things that you have done for someone- not that it would make you feel better but somehow through it, youll learn to forgive yourself too…

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Minsan lang ako magblog ukol sa pera, but I think this is a first, in depth analysis on the matter. Natutuwa lang ako sa sarili ko. Its just that, hindi pa rin ako nagbabago, in my opinion, im still the old me, akala ko kasi BATO na ako, hindi pala, hindi pala ganun kadali ang transformation. Ganito kasi yun, nakabudget na lahat ng pera ko from January this year up to December para sa napipinto kong paglisan dito. So far okay naman, minsan nag dedeviate, pero most of the time nga naiiba. Katulad nung humingi si kapatid ng PS3, binili ko kagad this month yun, that disrupted my budget or yung mga extra hingi, I intent to give, minsan lang naman eh. Pero lahat naman may paraan eh, nagagawan yan kung gusto talaga. Eh di yun nga this month nagpadala ako sa bahay ng pera, nagpapatiles kasi ang Inay kaya she needs extra money, tapos si kapatid na isa kelangan ng money kasi nagtake ng TESDA, tapos si Tatay hindi siya humihingi nahihiya siya sa akin. Pero Ang nakakahanga sa pamilya ko, they don’t wanna be a burden to me, naawa nga sila sa akin, its been 5 years na daw na nahihirapan ako, minsan lang- minsan lang sila himingi ng extrang tulong sa akin, that’s why ang lahat ng makakaya kong ibigay binibigay ko. Ayun nga, but that’s not the end of my story, naiwan sa akin 1200 riyals, may ineexpect ako na 300 mula sa nagkakautang sa akin, yung isang libo nakaskedyul na uutangin naman ni Enchong, tapos yung 200 na natira- inutang din, naawa ako eh, nag puppy eyes, it seems mas kailangan niya yun pera kesa sa akin, tutal may makukuha pa naman akong tatlong daan eh.

Except for some spare coins that I kept for sometime, for weeks I was penniless, hindi naibigay sa akin yung inaasahan kong pera dahil na delay ang overtime payment nila. it’s a mixed feeling na walang wala ka. You feel so human. Its good kasi nothing is suffocating your legs dahil sa tight pockets mo, bad kasi magugutom ka. Luckily, madami akong na grocery last month, so naextend ko ang buhay ng mga delata at mga nasa ref na piprituhin hanggang sa huling buwan (sana). Anlaking sakripisyo, pero diba naman kung gusto naman may paraan, tsaka sanay naman tayo dito so no worries, pampalakas loob sa sarili ko. Ayun dahil diet ako this month I ended up not eating breakfast, instead I opted for a brunch at 11, hapunang pandesal sa gabi, 7pm (na may keso galing sa laboratory) tapos isa hanggang dalawa ulet na tinapay mga alas diyes ng gabi, kung gising pa ako. Hindi ok yun ganun, I know, pero that’s one way to survive eh, I have no choice. Ayaw ko naman humiram din ng pera just for myself. Please wag nyo sasabihin sa inay ko magagalit yun sa akin na pinababayaan ko sarili ko, its not really pagpapabaya naman, kasi kumakain naman ako ng tatlong beses eh, not that much nga lang. So far I still have few more days to sacrifice, and still I have some spare coins na pambili ng pandesal to make it through the night… at sweldo na ulet, this time may nakaschedule ulet na hihiram, I already said yes.

Napablog lang kasi ako, kasi I remember one of many experiences ko dito… eto yung memory na gustong gusto kong malimutan pero its always there, lurking, not wanting to disappear. Some two years ago, sweldo nun, I had to split my money into two, yung kalahati sa mga nanay at tatay ko tapos yung kalahati doon sa kaibigan ko na humihiram ng pera. Ayun I came to the bank early para magpadala. Pero pagsinabi kasing magpadala you have to sacrifice your dinner time para hindi ka matabunan ng pila sa remittance center, mahaba kasi ang pila. So ayun palipas na naman ng gutom, I was so hungry that time, hindi na ako nakapamalengke at nakakain kasi late nab aka maiwanan pa ako ng service. After the deed was done, napadala ko na yung money, yung sukli sa remittance fee pinambili ko na lang ng pandesal na panghapunan, then I settled myself sa tabi ng van ng company na nakaparada, then texted inay at yung isa pa na humiram na napadala ko na. In no time nagtext back kagad ang inay, considering its already 3am sa pilipinas, nagpapasalamat for everything. Shes always grateful kahit maliit na bagay na naibibigay namin sa kanila, nagpapasalamat siya.

"salamat anak ha, kumain ka naba? wag pabayaan ang sarili, kumain ng madami, love you. tulog na ulit ako..."

Pero the other person, I was really expecting that hed textback too that night, but he didint, considering night shift sya, naunahan pa siya ng inay na dapat natutulog na that time but still took time to wake up in the sound of her mobile kasi alam niya ako yun… hinintay ko talaga yung reply ng kaibigan ko, wala. Sa van habang papauwi, napakagat na lang ako sa pandesal na binili ko, habang naiiyak. It took him days to reply - nung nakuha na niya yung pera-

"Nakuha ko na yung pera, Salamat..."

"Naku ngayon lang siya nagreply hindi man lang ako inalala na nalipasan ako ng gutom nung pinadala ko ang pera..."

"Oks lang yan, uso naman ang slim ngayon eh..."

(insert buntong hininga)

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When the world was but spoiled and rotten already, some important things doesnt matter anymore.

May amag na ang pandesal.

2 comments:

  1. awtz.

    uwi ka na dito ulap ko.

    pagluluto kita.

    mwah

    ReplyDelete
  2. nagdidiet ka pala hehehehe

    lapit ka na uwi dba

    ReplyDelete