Sunday, February 7, 2010

214

As I was looking back to the long years of my stay here on earth, I was trying to collect memories that connects me to February 14, otherwise known to us as Valentines Day. But as I dug deeper in the recesses of my brain only one memory reminds me of this infamous day in my life. The moment I knew how terrible the power of love in a life of an individual- proving to myself that when victims of love are born, murderers are made too.

It was late January of 2001. I was 2nd year college in a university in the province. I was quite cheerful and friendly, the way that I have always been, but there was something in me that makes me aloof to the topic of love, I don’t know, I was young and don’t buy its idea… my life was so straight- that is to finish studies, my aim was so direct and the idea about love and relationships never struck me until just recently. During those young years I’ve never been into a relationship (even now), and I don’t have any plans of being hitched. Pero I was intrigued on the power of love in someone’s life, Id like to try, I told myself.

I was then an officer of a departmental organization that made me acquainted with co-majors in other years/section of our department, thus, modesty aside; I was quite popular in our department. Then opportunity struck, I’ve heard from a friend that there was someone in a certain clique in the freshmen that crushes on me. My Gosh I told my self, syempre whenever you hear those words- someone crushing over you, boosts your ego. ‘this girl is so dumb, of all people, why me?’ I told myself.

I formed my plan to court her. She was really beautiful. I had no idea that time kung ano ang type ko sa isang partner, either girl or boy, syempre di maiiwasan to have crushes on cute faces sa campus, but something deeper than the good looks really do matter, but good looks do matter, (ayy contradicting). I think she made a turning point in my life, because through her I knew what I was looking for: a good singer & fairer complexion, that’s all. Chynna was a hump in my highway. Typically during my free time I sat beside her with her friends, meet and eat with her during lunch times. At the end of the day, we will together walk side by side- me at the danger zone of the road, laughing- me carrying her books, she kilig ever- to the jeepney terminal that will take her home. I really do think she’s already falling at the first week of February.

In the week of February 14, a regional sports affair was on going in our university. With all the frenzy on going at the oval, midday, there we were at the bleacher, me facing Chynna, while she was smiling sheepishly. Early in the morning I have acquired a beautiful red rose and three heart shaped chocolate from a student booth that sells valentine items, and in the exact moment I gave the rose and the chocolates she said Yes to me. I was happy that time, yes I have a girlfriend, may napasagot din ako sa panliligaw ko, but it was just half meant.

If that same happiness will be equated with the moment when Sonny sang to me the song that made me fall in love with him or the movie moment when I held Shard’s hand so tight I don’t wanna let go, the February 14 moment will not be a happy moment after all. The thing was, I only used her for an experiment, and im sorry I ever did that to her.

It wasn’t love, really from the very beginning. A stupid month passed by, and I was not the same with her, in my free time I wasn’t always beside her. I rarely eat lunchdates with her and its just a few times I gave my self time to see her ride the jeepney home. Though stupid as I can be, I never wanted to break her heart even more by saying, “break na tayo” ang gusto ko sya ang makipag break so that it would be her decision this time not mine. After a month or so. She broke up with me, of all places sa simbahan, napaka ironic.

I remember her saying to me in the pews of the church while we pray together:

“Diba sabi mo sa akin wag ko ibigay lahat pag minahal kita, paano kung naibuhos ko lahat ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo… ano mangyayari.?”

Honestly I cant remember my reply, I think I said sorry. And I was really sorry.

She kissed me in the lips as she cried, turned around, walked away. Still, kahit masakit for her ang break up, we became friends. After a few months, during our organization’s acquaintance party she told me she was hoping that I would go back to her… which i dont have any intention of doing... fortunately someone was interested on her too, and she gave him a chance.

And from there onwards I was the one who always cry at the end of everything, I never found someone or if im interested on someone they are not interested on me. I was the one who is willing to give my all just to ask in the end

“Paano kung naibuhos ko lahat ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo… ano mangyayari.?”

Funny but so true. Maybe she was my personal curse.

---

Sooner or later the murderer will also be the victim. If that is called Karma, I don’t know. God has his own way of making us realize how important love is and using it for our own welfare is a terrible mistake, sooner or later what we have done to someone whose only sin is to love us (more than themselves) will be done to us too- more terrible and heartbreaking…

---

...Take my hand
And gently close your eyes
So you could understand
That there's no greater love tonight
Than what I've for you
Well, if you feel the same way for me
Then let go

We can journey to a garden no one knows
Life is short, my darling
Tell me that you love me…

- 214, Rivermaya

No comments:

Post a Comment