Monday, August 31, 2009

The Best Twelve Minutes of My Life



naiyak, natawa, na inspire, kinilig, nagkapag-asa, na inlove... yun yung naramdaman ko.

ang galeng

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Mr. Brightside (Rough)



Wala ako magawa kagabi. I think this is the best part of the song. Nahihirapan pa rin akong kumanta habang naggigitara (as if magaling talaga) lols.

Mr. Brightside- 2nd verse
Music and lyrics by Prince Cloud

The unrequited love
That almost drained your life
Think its just preparation
For the next paradise
When you truly loved a person
Who doesnt love you back
How great is your love
To the one
Who deserves your heart?
Bridge:
You can move on, let go
You can let go, I know
You can pick up your shattered heart
You can get out of the flow

Heres the glue for your heart
Heres a basket full of smiles
Heres a kind hearted lad
Singing for you coz he know its hard
Heres a chocolate for u to glow
Heres a hand for you to hold
After the pain well just laugh out loud
And heres your friends
Until the very end

Chorus:
Im Mr. Brightside, Brightside,
Look at us baby
I never stopped lovin you
And you never stopped hurtin me
Im Mr. Brightside, Brightside
Look at us baby
I pray your safe, happy, smiling
coz its a sunshiny day.

Friday, August 28, 2009

OPLAN: TRASH CAN

It has been 5 months. Five tiring and stressful months for me. Within this period i wasnt able to have a full rest even for one fucking single day. Which means i am working my ass everyday from 7 am to 7pm, 7 days a week. I was actually promoted, they increased my salary, but there was this company rule that hinders me to have OVERTIME PAY, even if i work diligently and full of dedication for this company. Lookin on the brightside, the company will give me a lumsum of their money every start of the year, that will be 10% of my annual income. Not bad but working without pay is challenging my dedication on this craft and of my patience. I felt abused but i have accepted this after i have signed the contract a few months back. Stupidity. Indeed i have grown tired of lovin my work too.

If this is called killing thyself- i am guilty.

---

On the brighter side of the universe. I realized that my room is such a mess. i havent cleaned my room in a while and its kinda irritating. So i started to vacuum dusty surfaces. cleaned my laptop, my table, changed bedsheets, cleaned the TV, folded properly the disoriented pieces of clothes inside my cabinet...

And then i saw them:
The cup, the envelope with reciepts, the stuffed toy, the planner.

I took the cup and the tissue inside it. throwed it inside the trash can
I took the envelope, with receipts. Throwed it inside the trash can.
I took the planner. Throwed it inside the trash can.
I took Mike. Placed it inside a plastic. and stuffed it in a place i will not see.
I took my phone, read for the last time the 1500 txt messages in it and started deleting them. I started to filter and delete contacts too that is no longer significant.

It felt good inside, to see my room clean. It felt kinda odd throwing and deleting memories of a bittersweet past, things that made you hold on, promises that were broken numerous times, the hope that people are good and kindhearted. But see, I may not be smiling fully now, but i can sport a small grin.

And as a song goes,

forward always forward
onward always up
Catching every drop of hope
in my emtpty cup
what a journey it has been...

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

INGGIT

INGGIT
26.08.09

Naiingit ako sa mga taong matitigas ang puso
Paano kaya nila natitiis ang mga taong namamalimos ng kanilang pagtingin?
Paano kaya nila naatim na pahirapan ang mga taong pusoy gawa sa bulak?
Paanong nakikimkim ang dapat sanay napakadaling sabihing pamamaalam?

Naiinggit ako sa mga taong madaling makalimot
Yun bang may amnesia o di kayay amnesia-amnesiahan
Pilit na kinakalimutan ang kanilang nakaraan, matagumpay na naisasakatuparan
Kalimutan na ang lahat- kaibigan, pagmamahal, pagmamalasakit at ang sariling katauhan

Naiinggit ako sa mga taong walang pakialam
Kahit pa magunaw ang mundo, wala silang pinangangambahan
O kahit na may nagmamakaawang kaibigang nais lang namay kanilang kasiyahan
Kahit na mabaliw sa kakatanong kung bakit, tigas pa rin sa pag iwas

Naiinggit ako sa mga taong Malihim
Kasi kaya nilang kimkimin lahat ng sama ng loob at kaligayahan
Kaya nilang hindi umiyak sa panahong madrama ang kinalalagyan
At kaya nilang itago ang tunay nilang nararamdaman

Naiinggit ako sa mga taong Galit sa mundo
Pagkat kaya nilang manakit, na para bang ang buhay ay sadayang isang laro
Pagkat sila ang naghahari harian sa mundong para lamang sa malalakas ang loob
Pagkat palagi gusto nilang sila ang nananalo

Naiinggit ako sa mga taong Nang iiwan
Nais kong malaman kung ano ang pakiramdam ng manakit ng pusong sugatan
Nais kong matutunan kung paanong isip nilay gumagana
Naisin kong matanto kung ano ang kanilang mga dahilan

Naiinggit ako sa mga Taong Barumbado
Kayang ilabas, isuntok, ihampas, ibalibag sa ibang tao ang sama ng loob
Kayang harapin ang katotohanang ikaw ay pwede ring mabugbog
Kayang kayang salagin ang mga nakaumang na suntok, sampal at kurot

Naiinggit ako sa mga taong mahimbing matulog
Kahit na sandamakmak ang problema, kaya nilang kalimutan saglit
Kahit na paggising mga masasakit na ala alay muling magbabalik
Upang itulog ulit maya maya ng mahimbing

May kemikal ba na nagpapatigas ng puso?
Paano ba matututunan ang hindi pangingialam at paglimot?
Paano ba kimkimin at ilihim ang sakit na nararamdaman?
May kurso ba sa eskwelahan kung paanong galit ay tunay na maramdaman?
Paano nga kayang mang iwan ng taong minamahal, nais kong malaman
Pati na ang magpabugbog at mambugbog ng taong walang muwang
Gusto ko nang matulog, ng matiwasay, walang halong kahirapan

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

MR. BRIGHTSIDE

Mr. BRIGHTSIDE
Lyrics by Prince_cloud 24.08.09

Wakin up every morning
at the wrong side of the bed
Facing the mirror
Its another bad hair day
No matter, stop complaining
Place the gel, stick on the will
Fix the bed, start your life
Leave the sadness behind

Start smiling as you pass by
The alley full of crooks
They can steal precious things
Like your heart, made of gold
He will make you fall in love
Then leave you behind
Lookin at the Brightside
At least he left you alive

Chorus:
Im Mr. Brightside, Brightside,
Look at us baby
I never stopped lovin you
And you never stopped hurtin me
Im Mr. Brightside, Brightside
Look at us baby
I pray your safe, happy, smiling
coz it’s a sunshiny day.

When a friend deserts you
And has taken your all
Stop cryin, start loving
He lost one rare gemstone
It really hurts to admit
That you’re the fool again
You saved his life,
You’re the hero, aint that cool?

The unrequited love
That almost drained your life
Think its just preparation
For the next paradise
When you truly loved a person
Who doesn’t love you back
How great is your love
To the one
Who deserves your heart?

Chorus:
Im Mr. Brightside, Brightside,
Look at us baby
I never stopped lovin you
And you never stopped hurtin me
Im Mr. Brightside, Brightside
Look at us baby
I pray your safe, happy, smiling
coz it’s a sunshiny day.

Bridge:
You can move on, let go
You can let go, I know
You can pick up your shattered heart
You can get out of the flow

Heres the glue for your heart
Heres a basket full of smiles
Heres a kind hearted lad
Singing for you coz he know its hard
Heres a chocolate for u to glow
Heres a hand for you to hold
After the pain well just laugh out loud
And heres your friends
Until the very end

Chorus:
Im Mr. Brightside, Brightside,
Look at us baby
I never stopped lovin you
And you never stopped hurtin me
Im Mr. Brightside, Brightside
Look at us baby
I pray your safe, happy, smiling
coz it’s a sunshiny day.

Monday, August 24, 2009

I think Im Gonna Madethong...

Madeth, she's simply beautiful... a scene to behold...She is a close friend and cousin... Her father was my father's cousin... We both lived on the same farm somewhere south of Manila. We were neighbors; we share the same set of friends. She belongs to a family of seven, her father Kuya Ompong, Ate Lindsay is her Mother she also has twin sisters (Madelyn & Madeline) and two younger brothers (Mark & Lark), she's the third sibling. Unfortunately Madeline died at a very young age due to polio... Her family was a happy one, though there really comes a time that NAGGING from parents will occur, (I think that happens to any family...)

MADETH was three months younger than me... I was born March 1983, while she was born May 1983... But we were never classmates, I was ahead of her by one year because I went to school (Kindergarten) at the age of five (during those years grade 1 pupils starts at the age of 7). Her older sister was my classmate, Madelyn.

Nevertheless, after school we never missed a chance to play whatever game we wanted to play, together with our common friends... TAGUAN, BAHAYBAHAYAN, LANGIT LUPA, PIKO, SIKYO, PATINTERO, SOFTBALL, Chinese Garter, Step no Step Yes, 10-20, Jackstones... I think we played all the games that our young minds could imagine... Every afternoon was filled with excitement; we played, laughed & perspired with much sweat all afternoon, till our parents call for the dinner....

Jane, also a cousin, formed our gang... He was our default leader, Me, Madeth & Madelyn... She composed a song especially for all of us... In the tune of BYE BYE LOVE by the Everly Brothers

Bye Bye JANE,
Bye Bye Cloudy
Hello Madelyn,
I think Im Gonna Madethong...

hehehe... Brings back lots of memories when I sing that... We called her Madethong because she possesses a wide "NOO" (Forehead). Malapad daw NOO nya...

Our Misadventures:
1. Going through thick forests (wide grasses for adults) and then when we think were lost... BALIKTARIN DAMIT AT NAEENGKANTO TAYO!!!
2. The RIVER PARADISE - With crystal clear water, elegant flowery plants around and gemlike stones... all would say... this is PARADISE…
3. BANDA NG MGA LATA - we even formed a marching band with cans as instrument especially during NEW YEARS EVE...

Those were just few of hundreds of adventures & Misadventures I shared with them...
WHEN we entered high school, our communication lessened... I studied on a different school, but still during Saturdays & Sundays, we still have the time to talk... playing games lessened... adolescence period is coming... Still we share the same dream... the dream to finish our studies and help our parents, earn money, have a family so on and so forth... usual dreams of a young adult... I graduated from high school and so was she...

I Studied in CAVIte, she in our hometown...

Every week I have the opportunity to go home, talk to her, sharing experiences and reminiscing memories of the past...

THE MOMENT THAT I WILL NEVER FORGET...
I was in my 2nd yearin college while she was on her First (BS EDUCATION), It was during the District Athletic Meet that was held at our town plaza... I went with her to watch the games... What I cannot explain was that she was gloomy, her face was lonely and her Appearance seems kinda creepy... so I told her, MADETH GUSTO MO PALAMIG, LIBRE KITA... So I bought some drinks for her and we watched the game, clapping and enjoying (I Think)... after some time I said goodbye to her because it was time for me to leave...

THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I SAW HER...
WHY?... came the call of my father, he was very gloomy, I still can recall the tone of his voice, very eerie, and still gives me goose bumps... CLOUD ,SI MADETH PATAY NA... it was the most painful call that I ever had... that’s why sometimes I hate answering the phone, im really afraid that someone on the other end of the line will give me bad news... I hate it when it happens...

Shocked, puzzled... that’s what I felt. I even was waiting for my father to say, JOKE LANG! - But it wasn’t... I really cried a lot because she was very precious... Striving to study that will make her dreams come true... I went home to give my last respects to her and her family... She was there inside the coffin; eyes closed... stiches on her face...

ANO NANGYARI?... I asked...
She was MURDERED... Her last day on earth was not an ordinary day for her... She asked her parents to stay on her friends place for the night... And her parents approved... She even brought extra clothes for the night out... but the inevitable happened... she told her college friends that she wanted to go home, tired or something of that nature... she wanted to go home and rest... Before going home she even bought some food for the weekend for her family... (she opted to walk her way home, instead of riding a tricycle ). She was walking ALONE and then some person came from nowhere, THE MAN TRIED TO RAPE HER... but MADETH refused to give in and started to fight, she was a very strong spirited woman, a fighter on her own right, thus she struggled to break free from her demonized abductor... and then... (SOB, SOb, SOB) a sharp object ended her life... blood spilled on the virgin soil below the MANGO tree...

I really cried a lot during her burial... i was devastated, this was not true... i thought this only happens in TELENOBELAs or In MOVIES... but this was real... Her family was really down during that time. I realized I haven’t said her how much I enjoyed the times we were together, our playtimes, the sharing of crushes, bonding time, singing sessions, party tripping. Have I said Thank you to her, no. Have I said how much I love and treasure her in my life, no. Its all but too late.

It took me a while to cope up with the devastating and traumatic experience, i think same goes to our old childhood gang members... unfortunately the case filed against the DEMON was dismissed, i don’t know why or what happened, can’t believe this DAMN country’s justice system…

The last dream I remember that includes her... she was dressed in white, smiling... as per her mother, she needs prayers and that we will give... that was almost 8 years ago, but her 18 years of journey on this cruel world will be remembered as a happy and an inspiring one specially for her loved ones (INCLUDING ME!)...

MADETH... a testament, she never gave her body to anyone... STRONG WILLED, WITTY, INTELLIGENT, LOVING DAUGHTER, SISTER, FRIEND... YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MADETHONG TO ME... I still remember you, im looking forward to seeing you again. thank you really for the wonderful friendship that we shared when we were young, youre always in my heart. Its been 8 years and im still heartbroken, still crying because of the sense of losing you. I miss & I Love you so much!

Bye Bye Jane,
Bye Bye Cloudy
Hello Madelyn,
I think Im Gonna Madethong...




---

im still a work on progress, i guess.

(a repost)

Sunday, August 23, 2009

antanga ko ano, haha. kaloka

...and truth be said, i cared and loved you all the way. But when my well has dried and turned gray, you killed me and runaway.

---

kakaiba talaga ako noh. natatawa ako sa sarili ko. kumbaga, halimbawa pinatay na ako ng paulit ulit, eto pa rin ako pinupunasan at nililinis ang madugong kamay ng aking murderer, kahit naghihingalo na ako, sige ka parin sa paghahasa ng kutsilyo nya, kaloka yun diba. hindi nakakatawa ang kalagayan ko, nakakaawa nga eh. Napaka stupid ko. Kahit sa sarili ko kaaway ko rin dahil sa kanya. haha. hindi ako nababaliw, nais ko lang siguro mailabas, malapit na sana ako sa finish line, kaso nadapa na naman ako, kya ulet ulit sa umpisa.

nakakapagod oo. naiinis na ako sa sarili ko. matatapos din siguro ang pagtibok ng puso ko. sana now na, ang hirap eh, ikaw kaya ang may pusong tumitibok na hindi para sa sarili mo kundi para sa ibang tao na walang pakialam sa iyo. Hirap yun ah.

Ayoko dumating ang panahon na mainis na at ayaw nang makinig ng mga taong tunay na nagmamahal sa akin, mga tunay na kaibigan na nagmamalasakit. So Cloud stop na ang katangahan.

Stop na, now na!

tomorrow ill be better. nadapa lang ako pero tuloy tuloy na ako sa paglakad papalayo.

Im smiling na, ayoko na umiyak.

---

♪♪Forgive sounds good, forget i dont think i could. They say time heals everything, but im still waiting.♪ - Dixie Chicks

Saturday, August 22, 2009

NOTHINGS GONNA BE THE SAME. AGAIN.

NOTHINGS GONNA BE THE SAME. AGAIN.
Prince_Cloud, 22.08.09

Dreams are for fools
Hope just an ordinary tool
Cracked hearts beat nonetheless
So what's there left to learn?

Been through all wars
Maybe death is next, scared im not
Halo on my head,
but some times I asked for a pointed one

Cant accept in a blink im insane
Cant pretend this lifes another shame
Cant attain the hope and faith again
Nothings gonna be the same. Again.

Cant unload this grief and pain
Cant imagine how or why it happened
Cant vindicate myself from this claim
Nothings gonna be the same. Again.

I pawned my life
And paid for every stitch in your fucking life
Used me as a rugged doll
But im not complaining

Another skipped meal
Another crack in this broken glass
The next tone of the machine
Again from you, another crash
Cant run a mile for you
But I lifted that mountain high!
Paid nothing in return
And I guess the mute brown
Cheap stuff Is just enough.
That’s maybe how you value
The gem that once I was.

And maybe the words are not enough to say
How I suffered the hot chain
That you wrapped in me, in vain
You didn’t wrote the promised letter
You didn’t shout how you made me sober
You didn't helped yourself to become better
You didn’t even cared for me when death comes knockin'

And all you can say is…
Nothings gonna be the same. Again.

The truth be said
I cared and loved you all the way
But when my well was dried and gray
You killed me and runaway...

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Is this the time when i will say "CLOUD MOVE ON"?

There are so many things that remind me of you. Physical things that might be considered as junk to someone else but inside my abode and my heart they are considered as rare pieces of collectible items that holds countless meanings in my life.

---

I still have the starbucks plastic cup with its green straw, with your name on it forever printed, permanently displayed beside my flower vase. I remembered that I wasn’t willing to finish the whole coffee so as to have the excuse of bringing home the cup to save it and be a remembrance. Still it is there on that particular platform, standing strong, I have placed it there ever since I came back here abroad. That honored place has been always your spot.

Inside the dusty starbucks cup was a peculiar tissue paper, its not just an ordinary tissue paper but written on it was the song that I have written the night after you made me cry. The night that I realized I will never be in the same position as the one that you truly love.
Written on the ruffled tissue was:
Am I really over you?
It doesn’t feel so right
when a dream turns into dust
Was goodbye the end of time?
Its unfair you ended my life,
im drownin in a pool of sand
The truth? Im holding on.
And why? I just don’t know
And you said we cant avoid

That I dream of you while you dream of him
Its typical that life and love are just too strange
Yes I dream of you and I cant pretend
That all along we don’t belong, still im hanging on

Cryin while the storm reigns
Don’t wanna let you know
that this is breakin me apart
The time I memorized your face
My eyes see nothing but you
But now my visions have to stop.
I need to be alone
What the heck, all this time I was
But in me, I guess youll never fade…

On my study table lay a peculiar 2007 planner that pretty much contains the unforgettable events that transpired on my first vacation, it was the year when we first met each other.

A small white envelope that contains receipts that I fervently collected and kept during my 2008 vacation. More than half of them contains memories that I am with you, though I wasn’t sure if youre with me.

  • There was a Tokyo Tokyo receipt, the night we dined in at Trinoma, you were so patient you toured me for the first time in that mall.
  • The Café Tentitas receipt was the proof that I was with you during your 26th birthday, I was happy, from there I took a photo of you that I had saved multiple times on my hard drive.
  • Then there was this Twilight movie ticket, I watched alone, because I know youll never ask me out. I made a realization now, that all this time I am the only one who is very much willing to be with you. Well there were times you really wanted to see me, when you needed my help.
  • And then there was this Bus receipt, on the day we parted, I just cant fathom that it would be the last, but I have to be strong, you decided to turn your back, and I have to walk away from you.
Your text messages, I have saved them. There was this protected file hidden in the bowels of my external hard drive that contains most of the messages people have given me, I have seen it maybe a few times, reminiscing the past, I really am surprised most of your messages to me were… you asking for my help.

I have also saved an archive of our YM conversation so that I remember how you made me smile, laugh and learn from your experiences. It made me realize I miss moments like that. The proof that you were there to accompany me in lonely times and I was there to remind you to love and care for you baby.

There was also this two audio files that contains our conversation over the phone, I have never heard it in a while, I don’t want to. I saved it to remind me of your voice, how you laugh, how you made me feel secure and how youd lifted my spirits up when im sober.

Beside my laptop, there is a small stuffed toy, a kangaroo, looking at me. He was my constant companion during sleepless nights. He was a deaf-mute witness of my howls of pain and river of tears. I learned to hug him tightly wishing that it has the power to hug me back, pat my back and say “its alright, everything will be fine”. He was your Christmas present to me, you christened him Mike... And guess what, it is my most prized possession. For me its worth a million.

"Is this the time that i will say 'CLOUD MOVE ON'?" A dear friend told me, and I guess hes right. Its time to move on and grow up, it’s the moment that you have to learn that no matter how hard you try to hug tightly onto something that do not have the ability to hug you back, you have to let go and find a real someone who will appreciate and cherish the hug you are giving. Love in all aspects whether it be romantic, friendly, or in family aspects, is always a two way street.

So as the song goes: “Once you believe in a love forevermore, how do you leave it in the drawer?”

I picked the Starbucks cup with the tissue inside, and placed it inside a drawer that is only opened only once in a blue moon.

I separated the old 2007 planner from my current planner to remind me that this past is all over and the days to come will be forged not by the memories of him but memories of happiness and joy with loved ones.

Together with the planner and the cup I placed the white envelope with the receipts inside the drawer to remind me that it was all worth it, I was good and I was his hero, not a hindrance from happiness.

I separated the files that involve his presence, the archived text messages, ym conversations, the audio file from my documents – and eventually forget all about them. That when the day comes, years from now, when i have a new life, I might accidentally found out that they actually exist. I could bring back the memories of his smile, laughter, the jokes we shared and the help that we have given each other. It would be a great delight in the future indeed.

As for Mike my small kangaroo stuffed toy, im sorry I have to place you inside the cabinet, from there you will be safe from dirt and dust. Im so sorry you saw how I cried at nights when I was alone. Thank you for making me feel secured, thank you for the courage you gave me to wake up each morning, thank you for letting me hug you and staying up with me at the wee hours of the night. I will miss you terribly, but for now let me forget, I know ill see you soon. You are my most prized possession and forever you will be with me.

I don’t have the strength to throw them or burn them to oblivion just like what the characters in movies are doing. They were part of me already, I do think separation from these memories will do - until the time I have picked up all the shattered pieces of my heart and of my ego.

I guess im learning the Art of letting go…

Thursday, August 13, 2009

CLOUD'S LETTER

AMNERIS' LETTER
Shania Twain
OST: Elton John & Tim Rice's AIDA




I'm sorry for everything I said
And for anything I forgot to say too
When things get so complicated
I stumble at best - muddle through
I wish that our lives could be simple
No, I don't want the world - only you
Oh, I wish I could tell you this face to face
But there's never the time - never the place
Oh, this letter will have to do
I love you

THE FIELD OF UMBER

THE FIELD OF UMBER
Prince_Cloud 13.08.09

Bloodtrails behind,
That proves the missing heart is gone
To where it must not be
With the monster, eager not to plea

Can the bridge pull you across?
Or else face death, the way back is lost
Killer as you might be, Hate will reign in glee
At least you are free

Or is freedom all you need,
Can Happiness redeem the mammoth’s regime?
Vindicate the wounded self, From the
Boastful ego that consumed the spread eagled prey

Yes, beyond is a lonely glory
But true angels in disguise might be
Celebrating the loneliness you have attained
Finally slaying and burning the monstrosity within

Cloud and Shade, we may never know
Smoke and Rain combined, might never do
All of them you cannot hold on to
Unless you became one, ethereal will do

Look into the shadow, behind it lurks
Might be afraid of the bloody coup
Fatal, the way back to monstrosity
Tears and bloody roses, let them be

But can elements hinder forever and ever, or
Can death overcome serenity and eternity ?
When two holy objects unite, a door opens
Greater than this weak bridge, might never happen

Its Mightier than the purging Rain
That the angry Cloud, his strength in vain
More beautiful than the Smoke as it dances to the heavens
Giving a wonderful Shade to a stressed and worn out giant...

Beyond this weak bridge is the field of umber.
Where Cloud protects from the shining Rays
And Shade can overcome the powerful pain
Forget holding on, run away from the imminent disaster.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I wanna HATE you, I want to be murderous, I want to kill, I want to destroy, I want to be evil, just for once.

Ive realized that since you left, my life has become a mess. Sounds absurd, and will again give a medal to your infamous achievements on my life, but yes my life’s a mess. Suddenly I became tired, mostly with the on- goings of my life, my work was becoming a headache- thus I became lazy in all aspects, my life became stagnant – I wanna go home to shake things up, shake my booty at least.

And then it dawned unto me, this in fact is me. I thought that this strange one is just a mere bystander but, really this is me. Probably the worst person to love. Most of the time a pain in the ass, but nonetheless meek and mild, emotionally unstable but can keep his cool until the hotness subsides.

Achilles slept by my side yesterday, mind you it was him whos always persistent to go to my room every other night. Most of the time I say no, but yesterday was different, yesterday was the breaking point of an unbroken promise, I want to forget you. I want to forget you totally, maybe I can use Achilles, to help me slam my stupid head on the wall so the bleeding brain can eradicate your memories. Or do I have to call the HAITIAN for help. He’s far, I know.

But after the deed was done and Achilles was caressing my face, fuck, its still you. Funny isn’t it how my love works. If its for you, then its for you, no questions asked. Thus, my happiness and forgetfulness only lingers for 30 minutes and after that, its back to abnormal again, I was never normal again.

How long have i been in this state, before you i have been in a four year unrequited love to SONNY and im only on my second year of unrequited love to you. Its craziness to the maximum nth power. But that is so me, i find it hard to move on and let go. But like a nincompoop student, i learn too from my mistakes, i know now how to end something that has not yet even begun.

Maybe forgetting is not the answer, but waking up is. Realizing that no matter how hard you try to gain something, if its not meant to be, its not meant to be. Only a few things are left for me to do. I wanna HATE you, I want to be murderous, I want to kill, I want to destroy, I want to be evil, just for once. Im so tired of crying, im so tired of being kind, im so tired of thinking about other people especially you and youre fucking state. But do you know at the end of the day, it will always sum up to the fact that it is not me - hating, being evil, murdering – so very unlike me.

I don’t need a triple slap to wake me up, I am already wide awake. But when the time comes that im over you, you’ve lost one hell of a friend, that I guess youll never find in this lifetime. So assuming yes, but i very well know you know what i mean.

And I promise my self one more time, youre awake yes, but please stand up and open your eyes and start cleaning the mess!

And another thing dont expect me to see you in a month or two, MANIGAS KA! hmmp sabay irap at walk out!

So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions
2:14 PM Aug 11th via twitter
Prinsipe_Ulap

Monday, August 10, 2009

The Road That Leads Me Home

Ive written this song a year ago for James. He never heard it. I meant every word. I thought he would be the reason for me to go back home, a selfish idea, I learned now. Still, this song and many happy memories will always remind me how he led my way when I was lost and scared.

I saw him the other day, my heart jumped, but I never showed myself to him. Something has changed in us. I was just glad to see his face. I pray hes safe and happy.

Though it would take me time to let go, I am notoriously clingy- with the word hope at the bottom of the wishing well. im on my way there.

Every waking day, youre always included in my thoughts, youll always be here in my heart.

---



The Road That Leads Me Home
Music and Lyrics by Prinsipe Ulap
Vocals: Pareng Ronnie
Guitars: Ulap

I used to shed a tear when Im alone
And used to think no one cares at all
But when I met you,
My loneliness faded away
For I knew, youll help me find the way

The emptiness of desert now seems full
Of visions that one day ill be with you
Youll always be,
The reason why Im so In love
Beyond the sands, I know youre all I have

Chorus:
Youll always be the ROAD THAT LEADS ME HOME
The one who gave me hope to carry on
In these twisted paths
I know Im not alone
Even though BENEATH THE SANDS ARE GOLD
And my dreams started to unfold
What matters most
I know youll lead me home

When I am lost in thought of being with you
Youll always call and reminds me youre secured
You are my way,
The road that leads my heart to home
I know ill never shed a tear again

Chorus:
Youll always be the ROAD THAT LEADS ME HOME
The one who gave me hope to carry on
In these twisted paths
I know Im not alone
Even though BENEATH THE SANDS ARE GOLD
And my dreams started to unfold
What matters most
I know youll lead me home

Coda:
At the end of the day
Youll always be the road (always been)
Youll always be the light that shines
Youre the road that leads me HOME

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

FOREVER ETCHED

The moment I saw that particular picture on your Facebook, I was like “What on earth is this doing here?”

Of course it was you on that picture and it was your site so I have no right to protest, but behind that picture was a story. An old and unforgotten tale of my love to you.

Eventhough distance has been a large hindrance in our relationship as friends, we survived the trying times, and even constantly brags about how pious our first meeting was. We both knew that the world was cruel enough to tear relationships apart but our young friendship lasted, because we knew that a place in the heart has been occupied by each of our names. I used to dream we were more than friends, that you love me too the way I love you, I guess were just meant to be just friends, nothing more or less.

---

It was the nicest March ever. I was happy with my work at Antipolo, though not earning that much, i was able to support myself and also was privileged to help my family back home. Maybe because of my focused life, I never really had the time to think about relationships, I was happy with what I have and what I have achieved. I accepted the fact that I was different from the rest of the male crowd and I really don’t care much about what they think. My eyes were focused straight and I had no time to enjoy much, especially on the ways a heart beats. Maybe I loved someone but I never really wanted to share myself to anybody, because of the fact that this love is a love I can never really have, that’s why I thought it was the way the world goes.

Five days before my 22nd birthday, the weather was perfectly jiving with my mood. Then came a text message from the most nicest person on earth, you.

“Tol, gud am. Ü pd b mkitulog maya s bhaus m? May klase ko whole day s UP, blak ko magpunta s megamol bukas para s job fair. Ok lng po b? Tnx!”

Within just a span of five seconds I typed my reply on my newly acquired camera phone saying

“Ok lng! Bsta ikw! Alam m naman papunta d2 db? 2muloy kn lng s simbhan ng antipolo dun nlang kta tatagpuin andito kasi ako sa bayan.”

Wasn’t that just serendipitous? The church, of all the places would be our meeting place. Within an hour or two, there was I waiting for you at the porch of the church. Like a groom waiting for his bride, with all smiles. Then voila, like a movie scene, in its climax, you came walking by the stone pavement, like an angel in disguise, armed with your hiddenwings, invisible halo and your gorgeous smile.

It was an instant reunion, with all the stories that we had shared from that lazy afternoon up to the time we closed our eyes, who wouldve thought that those memories would always be inside me and never will be forgotten. Howd I wish that time that I coulve kissed you that night, but I was afraid. Howd I wish I coudve hugged you while you sleep but the warm weather forbids me so. I was just contented enough to stare at your moonlit face. Its more than enough for me.

I have always put in mind that you were the flower in the garden that wasn’t meant to be picked, most of all by me, instead let your beauty flourish into the light and may the worthy someone that you also cherish pick you instead, it will not be me, but I did hoped it was me.

It was that night that you took your photo using my camera phone. I saved that photo, and you copied it in your mobile phone too. We separated After that, then the inevitable happened we lost contact. Until just two years ago when we met online once again, I never thought that after five years of being away from each other, you still have that photo that might remind you how a small plant of friendship has grown into a delicate tree, though withered by distance and time, but still I am here willing to nourish and keep it alive. I do hope you have done your share to preserve the life of it.

The Sun has withered my skin, has scorched my heart - that made it harder enough to resist the urge of it loving you again. Alas it has evolved into something worth it, not of romantic love anymore but of the most sincerest form of friendship and love. It has always been like this for you and me and let it be like this forever.

That’s why when you came back to my life. I do not ask myself the hanging question “am I worth it for you?” but instead my heart proclaims “you have done it, you have learned to let go..."

You have always been in my heart, though time and our cold distance has made your chamber cobwebbed, youre still here in my heart, forever etched.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Pwede Na Ba Akong Magkaboyprend?

Malayo na rin ang narating nating dalawa ano. Ako eto nasa ibang bansa, nagpapakabayani kuno, ok naman ako dito, butas pa din ang bulsa, pero mapagtiis naman tayo kaya kakayanin ito. Wala masyadong nangyayari sa personal na buhay, stagnant kumbaga. Walang social life, hindi uso ang salitang gimik. Palagian na lamang nagsasarili sa kwarto, kung minsan ayun, naiimbitahan na mag videoke ng tropa. Gusto ko na ngang umuwi sa Pinas ng pangmatagalan eh, pero ano ba ang magagawa ko, nakalupasay pa ako sa lupa at hindi pa nakakabangon, hindi ko pa napapaghandaan ang buhay sa pilipinas, ayaw ko naman maging makasarili, kasi hindi ako magiging masaya kung ganun. Lovelife ko? Eto ako wala pa ring love life, ahaha, nakakatuwa ano, tanong ko nga lagi sa salamin, panget ba ako? Hahaha, malamang nga. Pero alam ko na yata ang dahilan kung bakit hindi pa, Maaring hindi pa ako handa o mailap siguro ako at tuwid ang tingin sa buhay. Kaya ayun hindi ko siguro napapansin ang mga tao tao sa paligid. Kumbaga sa isang tao lang ako nakatingin. Marahil ikaw ang taong iyon, hindi ko rin sure kung ikaw nga eh, pero ang sure ko dati ikaw yun, pero mukhang kelangan ko ng magsalamin kasi malabo na yata ang VISION ko sa buhay.

Ikaw kamusta ka naba? Makati Boy ka na, maporma ka lagi at gwapo pa rin. Paminsan minsan lang tayo nagkakausap ah, malamang sa hindi yung minsan na yun ay kung me kailangan ka sa akin. Kung kelangan mo ng magpapalubag loob, mahihingahan ng sama ng loob, mahihingan ng payo kahit na hindi naman ako magaling magpayo, yung magpapatawa sa iyo. Antagal nang ganun ako sa iyo yata ah, ako na lang palagi ang nagbibigay, ikaw na rin ang nagsabi nun ah at hindi ako- angels loving arms pa nga ang tawag mo eh sa sitwasyong ganun. Natatawa nga ako alam mo ba, ganun din ang ginawa ko sa isang tao dyan sa tabi tabi, as in over the top of the world yata yun eh, mas higit pa sa nagawa ko sa iyo, pero iniwan din ako, oks lang naman sa akin yun, no regrets kumbaga, ginusto ko yun eh, bakit ba.

Masaya ako at naidaos ng matiwasay ang kasal nyo ng babaeng “mahal” mo at nabuntis mo. Nung Makita ko ang pictures nyo, hindi ako nagselos, wala naman akong “K” eh as in karapatan, medyo nagtampo lang ako kasi kahit man lang simpleng pagiimbita hindi mo nagawa… kahit sabihin mong “walanghiya kang kaibigan ka, ikakasal na ako, kahit hindi ka makarating ok lang”. kahit yun lang masaya na ako dahil naalala mo ako, pero hindi mo talaga ako naalala. Ok lang yun sa akin, as long as Masaya ka sa tinahak mo. Pero hindi eh, hindi nakikita sa ngiti ng tao sa isang litrato ang kasiyahan, patawarin mo ako pero sa mga mata mo nakikita ko na hindi ka Masaya… marahil tama ako, marahil hindi. Pero ikaw na rin ang nagsabi sa akin dati na maaring ito ang pinakamalking pagkakamaling nagawa mo sa buhay mo

Alam mo madali naman akong makalimot ng sama ng loob, ok lang naman sa akin na after na hindi kita napagbigyan sa hiling mo dati at may inuna ako bukod sa iyo, hindi mo na ako kinibo. Kaibigan kita at pinilit inintindi, Hinabol kita pero ambilis mo naman yata tumakbo. Milya milya na nga ang layo natin aba eh, nag invisible mode pa ang drama mo. Hindi mo man lang naisip kung ano ang napagdadaanan ko dito no? pero bale wala yun, asus, superman yata ako eh. Ngayon babalik ka muli kasi kelangan mo ulet ako, aba nakakahalata na ako ha. Kasi alam mo may tao dati sa paligid na nakakaalala lang pag may kailangan, wag naman sanang ikaw ay maging kagaya nya, kasi anlaki ng respeto ko sa iyo eh. Nagamit na dati ang puso ko ng isang taong hindi naman YATA karapatdapat kaya nag iingat na ako ngayon eh. Ang hirap sumugal no, wala na akong pantaya, ubos na.

Magkakaanak ka na, ansaya diba, syempre nagprisinta akong ninong. at sure ako magandang bata yang anak nyo, gwapo ka at mabait sya at maganda din naman syempre. Nalulungkot lang ako dahil lalaki siyang hindi buo ang pamilya. Sana kung malaking pagkakamali ang magpakasal ka, huwag naman sanang maging pagkakamali ang iyong pakikipaghiwalay. Kaya yung alok mo sa akin na pwede parin nating gawin yung isang beses na nangyari sa atin, hindi ako pumayag kasi, hello ang una kong relationship kabet kagad ang ending ko… hindi ako bagay maging kabet ano, pang Official Wife material yata ako, hehe joke lang, pero more importantly mangangako ka sa harap ng Diyos eh, kaya hindi na carry ng kapangyarihan ko yun. Pero nasambit mo nga kinausap mo si Lord about sa totoong mga nangyayari sa puso mo. Ano nga kaya ang nasa puso mo. Hindi ko kayang magtanong sa iyo eh.

Still, parang may mali na sa ating dalawa. Kaya tinanong kita kung pwede na akong magkaboyprend, kasi sa sagot mo siguro malalaman ko kung ano ang mali at kung ano ang natitirang tama sa atin.

Hindi nga ako nagkamali, sinagot mo ang matagal nang gumugulo sa akin.

Sabi mo gusto mo akong maging Masaya, kaya ok lang na magkaroon ako ng lovelife, pero kung mahihintay pa kita at maayos na ang buhay mo at nakipaghiwalay ka na ng maayos sa misis mo pwede na siguro maging tayo. Taon pa siguro ang bibilangin noon. Ang swerte ko siguro ano ako kauna unahan mong boyfriend, ahaha, naka 18 girfriends ka na at ako ang kaunaunahang boyprend. Ahaha. Biro lang ulet.

Biruin mo antagal kitang hinintay tapos paghihintayin mo ulet ako. Pero hindi iyon ang sagot na hinihintay ko kundi

“LUV YOU, MWAHH”

Oh Diba ansaya. May nagmamahal din pala sa akin. Pero bakit ba ang linyang ito na malimit manggaling saiyo nawalan na yata ng kahulugan para sa akin… Kaya pagpasensyahan mo na ako kung hindi ko maireciprocate ang linyang iyan tulad ng dati kasi ayaw kong magsambit ng mga salitang hindi na nararapat eh.

Andrama ko ano. Pasensya na ha, talaga lang wala nang dating sa akin eh. Iyun siguro ang maaring pagkakamali mo sa mga babaeng minahal mo, nagsasabi ka ng mga linyang hindi mo naman isinasapuso. Hindi lang sa pagsasabi iyon eh, ginagawa din. Pasensya na ulet ha, pero never ko pa naramdaman talaga na mahal mo ako eh. Ilang beses ko na bang narinig sa iyo iyan. Sa salita lang, nasasabi pero sa gawa, hindi. hindi na ako mag e elaborate kasi, i would sound bitter. Kaya siguro wala akong maging boyprend kasi deep inside siguro hinintay kita, at eto ka na nga nag ooffer na maaaring may possibility in the near future na pwedeng mangyari, pero parang may mali na. Hindi na ikaw ang prince charming ko, napagtanto kong ako pala ang Prince charming mo at ikaw ang prinsesang palagi ko na lang sinasagip.

Ready na naman akong magmahal na, pero hindi na yata para sa iyo ang puso ko eh. Hindi mo naman napatunayan ang mga sinasabi mo, siguro nga dahil sa dami ng dala mong bagahe sa buhay na ito, nakalimutan mo na kung ano ba talaga ang magpapasaya sa iyo., kaya hindi naman kita masisisi, alam ko ang hirap na dinadaanan mo, pero sumuot ka sa matinik na landas na iyan eh, kaya kitang hilahin palabas tulad ng ginagawa ko dati, pero masusugatan na naman ako eh. Kagagaling lang ng sugat ko dahil sa matinik na landas na pinasok kong mag isa, wala ka namn dun para iligtas ako, kaya ang hirap sumugal.

Magkaibigan tayo hanggang sa huli, tunay iyun at walang bahid kasinungalingan, pero hindi ko maipangako ang puso kong ilang beses mo nang iniwan sa ere, ayun nag snow, bumagyo at umihip pa ang malamig na hangin, nanigas tuloy. Pangarap ko dati na mahalin mo din ako, dadating o dumating na nga siguro ang panahong iyon pero bakit parang nagising na yata ako bigla sa isang panaginip. Tanda mo pa kaya ang sagot mo sa tanong ko sa iyo noong isang taon na hindi ka pa kasal? Kung anong pagmamahal ko ang pipiliin mo, pagmamahal bilang kaibigan o bilang ka-ibigan. Pinili mo ako bilang kaibigan eh, wise decision nga yun diba.. kaya ayun simula noon, iniayos ko na ang buhay ko na hindi na ikaw ang tinatanaw kundi isang taong mas higit na magpapahalaga sa akin.

Sana kahit hindi kita mailigtas ngayon, maging magkaibigan pa rin tayo, hangad ko ang kaligayahan mo kaibigan pero kelangan ko na rin kasing iligtas ang sarili ko eh., para maging masaya din naman ako.

Uhaw nga ako sa pagmamahal pero hindi sa pag-ibig.