Wednesday, December 30, 2009

If You Dont Wanna Love Me

By James Morrison

-Cloud's 2009 re-imagined in a song

(you have to play the youtube at the right sidebar,
and start scrolling down as James' delivers each blow,
feel the drama, know my story)

When you lower me down

So deep that I, I can't get out

And when youre lost, lost and alone

Yes, youd think it was the last place
Youd come back for more

If you dont want me to leave
Then dont push me away

Youd rather blow out the lights
You can watch it all fade

But Im going nowhere

Im gonna stay

When you just wanna fight

When youre closing your eyes
Cause you dont wanna love me

Im gonna stay

You cant push me too far

Theres no space in my heart
Where I dont wanna love you

And when theres no, no storm

Then how can I feel the calm?

If theres nothing, nothing, nothing left to lose

Then what is this feeling
That keeps on bringing me back to you

So Im gonna stay

When you just wanna fight

And youre closing your eyes
Cause you dont wanna love me

So Im gonna stay, yes I will

You cant push me too far

Theres no space in my heart
Where I dont wanna love you
If you ask me to leave And I walked away

Wed still be alone
And wed still be afraid

Im going nowhere

Im going nowhere

Cause Im gonna stay

When you just wanna fight

And theres tears in your eyes
Cause you dont wanna love me

Im gonna stay

All the tears that ive cried

I could leave them to dry If you dont wanna love me
I could leave them to dry If you dont wanna love me


That pretty much sums it all.
To a great 2010 full of love.


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Unrequited Love

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms. I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

-Iris Simpkins (Kate Winslet)
From the film The Holiday By Nancy Meyers

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Flick the Lights Goodbye

Have you ever dreamed a dream that feels so true yet after you woke up in the morning youd realize its impossible to happen? The moment you open your eyes, from wet pillows and from the truth the crept from the window to your face, youd only wish that this reality be destroyed and let the darkness of yourself reign, for your dreams to continue- never wanting to wake up again.

There will come a night when no one will dream of me. Only lints of my presence will linger in their innermost thoughts. One day – time, distance and coldness will erase me from your memory, never wanting to remember the great so many things that happened and the lowly bad happenings that transpired between us… Never wanting me to be included in the dreams that visit you at night, never needing my presence that I thought was forever. But I will never erase you from mine, I always look forward to the time I flick the lights goodbye, when the darkness and me are one. The time when my eyes get tired and my thoughts run wild from blissful sleep. For it’s the only place and time I can see and feel your presence. I wanted this to last forever with or without you. If this forever ends one burning day- where dreams cease and wishes, promises and vows are taken for granted, I will stay and will be there hoping for another forever with you to start.

In my dream, I dreamed to build you a monument for me to always adore and cherish you. A physical manifestation of your beauty and impact in my life… but you were not meant to have a monument made of stone nor have a bust adorned by glamorous gems, for in time they will decay and be destroyed- erased from this cruel world. I simply built you a solid room inside my heart, and there you will stay, will be cherished, will be remembered, will be the answer to why I still dream despite all the hurt that the world has inflicted in a poor soul.

You. You will always be my dream, elusive and true. A wish made by my heart in the solitude night. The promise that brings me home. The thought the never fails to linger.

People are made to fall asleep to dream and wake up to a day in order to fulfill the wishes made through the night. Maybe someday dreams as wishes will be granted. Most of the time we had just to wake up and stand up to leave the darkness behind, never wanting to believe that some magic do exist. But one thing will remain true, waking up without you is like sleeping knowing it’s another lonely solitude night.

‘A dream is a wish your heart makes’ - Cinderella

Saturday, December 19, 2009


(a repost, originally posted 13.04.08)
Someone way way back told me with full conviction that when two couples are in the process of getting to know each other and will eventually turn out to be couples, he strongly affirm that the first one who will say I LOVE YOU to the other will be the loser in the end of their relationship if ever it will turn sour or in short, not meant to be… somehow I got this mantra from him and as much as I could, I don’t wanna say those three words if im not sure for I don’t want to lose in the end… who wants to lose anyway…

“eh di I LOVE YOU na…”

I was talking to him on the phone, five months ago and were talking about stars and the crickets of the farm… ive told him this story about two friends who were in love with each other but they were afraid to tell their true feelings for they don’t wanna lose their friendship or their love may not be returned. And then he blurted the three words to me, I am unprepared… I don’t know, I think he don’t trust me… Now were friends.


A very close friend in college, nicknamed TIN, showed so much interest on me to my delight. HE was also a student leader, actually my superior, and i spent good times with him during our term as student leaders… The thing was, he constantly expresses his admiration to me, again to my delight and astonishment. He sometimes hugs me, even though im frail and thin, and I really enjoyed the attention from him, all those laughs and all the nice activities weve done, not on bed of course but on our extra curricular activities in the university… Hes now a regular correspondence a great friend.

“ANO, mahal mo rin ba ako…?”

He first asked me this question and I think I am obliged to answer YES, because of the fact that im in his house, beside him on his bed and barenaked… Though the answer was clear, I was never serious about the answer, lest on our relationship. There was the opening remark but there was never a closure. I was supposed to love him but I didn’t, I was supposed to be supportive but I wasn’t, I was supposed to be a friend but I failed him. And now hes angry at me and demands that I make up with him - yun nga lang he needs- cellphone, or new nike shoes or maybe money… I believe that im generous enough to give him what he wanted, pero i do have brain you know… Still he is waiting for me to make up with him, i cant say if that is longing because of love or just material love. I plan to talk to him on Decemeber to clear things between us.


There is a thin line between the word LIKE and LOVE, same as the fine line between a FRIEND and a LOVER… “Like” is somewhat the bridge that will lead two persons to love. Someone said this line to me and what I said to him was genuinely true: "I LIKE YOU ALSO". I thought we will cross the bridge together, but he is a little impulsive and talks about the end and the hurt whilst, we are not yet crossing the bridge. Now we are still friends, very close and very tight.


Know what, ive learned something new from a friend who oftentimes relates himself to you… “Don’t believe in everything people are telling you…”. Based on my situation with you, he calls it “FOOLS HOPE”. Nevertheless, i do love you and I mean it with all of my heart, love never dies, im sure of it because for six years the flame still is burning, but I have to stand my ground and hold on to my thin rope so that I wont fall deeper on the hole that you are creating. Still im always here for you, like what I am telling to all of my dear friends. It was never a crime to love somebody and not to receive that love back,, or should I say on the form that you expect it to be… its so normal in this world. I know, i know... you might not be the PRINCE for me but i will always be youre KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR...


Sometimes unspoken words are mightier than those flowery, oftentimes saccharine speeches on love… Just by his touch and his kisses on me I can feel he has finally learned to love me, though suppressed and visionless. I thank him for that. To the number of moments we spent together alone, we never said I LOVE YOU, its not essential in this place, we know very well that we will never be together so why risk and invest too much emotions on a thing that is not really meant to be… Were still missed call buddies, once in a blue moon, the thing is - he now comes to me instead of me coming to his FORTRESS...

But if losing is the only way to fit the missing piece of the puzzle... i wanted to lose... in the arms of a person whom ill offer my heart.
Now where the hell are you Shade? im Waiting. I will risk losing if its in your arms- i will fall. Losing will not be bad after all...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Beyond the Night

Beyond the Night
by Cloud

Dusk is unfolding, hiding life’s splendor
Darkness engulfs my rainbow colored scepter
Mighty knight ill be, but my voice and sword are weak
And I cannot face the terror looming in
The gloominess of sunless melody

Lifeline cornered, lightless chaos plunders
Nightingale hums, there’s hope in thy endeavor
Close your eyes my dear, embrace the moonless night with me
And you’ll see that there is beauty lying here
No need to fear the darkness' harmony

Fortress crumbling, terrorized by lightning
Darkness seems to be as cold as polar icing
Darling cant you see, that im lonely as can be
But I trust that we will both make it through
The sadness of my soul's symphony

Hold me, trust me, absorb my warmest kisses
Reflect your thoughts, so harm will cease his efforts
Let our dreams begin, destroy the nightmare with my hymn
Let my voice surround our bastion, now in dim
To survive a night of cold summer wind

Colorless night sky, creeps to the horizon
Flowers fall prey, unwilling to dark sanctum
Its not time to rest, for its our time to test
If the darkness will invade and destroy our bonds
Don’t throw your life just to save my foolish heart

Don’t be silly, the night will leave us unscathed
Just believe, our love will be our stronghold
Lie here with me, and observe the night’s beauty
Filled with diamonds, sparkling, baby can you see?
There’s a falling star, close your eyes and make a wish

I Succumb to your undying passion
You are my life, my unending illumination

I’ll love you, all the way
Beyond the night, unto the day
And then again well both have to
Face the dusk again…
As long as im with you
Darkness will subside
As long as im with you
Dreams will survive


I hide in the darkness, just to check if your okay
Beside the willow, i crept and saw you with him
All that i can do, is just stare at your rendezvous
Though it starts to break my heart, i know its hard
Let my love to you be sacrificed...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

To Have and To Hold

Dear Shade,

Have you ever held someone’s hand so tight you don’t wanna let go? That you wished your hands have Rogue’s absorbing power but this time the power is to take away the pain? You see ive held someone’s hand, a very sincere and caring grasp; it was a first for me. Ive never actually held someone so tight, it hurts to be free from that tight grip. I was on a mission to take away the pain, but alas I don’t have the power to do that, I only have the ability to counter the pain away by smiling and joke around him and in turn make him smile too and make him feel im just gonna be around, yes far am I, but still very much present. Lots of things happened, but no feelings have been told. But yet again one thing is for sure, I care, and im willing to hold his hand again, tightly but with utmost sincerity and care, when him and I are together once more - that is, if he still needs me to hold him close.

Lots of love,


Sunday, December 6, 2009

Iyong Ulap at Aking Bituin

(likha ni Ulap noong 13.12.07)

Nais kong hakutin
Sanlaksang bituin
Bubuo ng bagong araw
Na magniningning
Sa kulimlim na umaga
Sa nagbabadyang dilim
Bagong silahis ng pag-asa
Na ako ay iyo ring mamahalin

Bagamat likha lamang
Ng aking mga kamay
Sa kinabukasan ay
Ikaw pa rin ang hinihintay
Kahit maubos pa
Ang kanyang luningning
Mananatili pa rin
Nagliliyab na damdamin

Nais kong pigain
Mga ulap sa langit
Mga mapuputing bulak
Magdudulot ng ulang malamig
Ng dalisay na damdamin
Magdidilig sa natuyong pag-ibig
Pati na sa amos ng ating nakaraan
Lulunurin tayo sa kagalakan

Oo ngat panandalian lamang
Ginhawang idinudulot
Ng aking ulan
Mag iiwan pa rin ito
Ng kaaya ayang kinang
Ng busilak na pagmamahalan
Sa kanyang paglipas
Kahit iyong ipagtabuyan
Sasamahan kita
Sabay haharapin ang alon
Matitinding sagupa ng tadhana

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

HATEU: Hold And Tenderly Embrace U

One, Two,

No need to call my phone
Coz I changed my number today
And matter fact I think I'm moving away
Sorry, the frustration's got me feeling that way
And I just keep having
One last thing to say…


I just wanna
Hold you, Touch you, Feel you, Be near you
I miss you Baby baby baby
I'm tired of tryna fake thru
But there's nothing I can do
Boy I can't wait to HATE U
Hold And Tenderly Embrace U