Monday, October 5, 2009

My Dear Shade,

Dear Shade,

i was planning not to talk to you or write you, but i cant resist the urge of coming back to your humble abode. It seems that this dark and lonely place has been an integral part of my system already, just like what the the laughing "phoenix" has done to my soul and of course the heartwrenching "fortress' that has crumbled to the ground and turned to dust. It seems in you i have found the inner peace i have been looking for, and i thank you for that.

You ask how am i doin? Im doin quite well, not the same as the one that you used to talk to. of course. I miss my old self too, the one that smiles because he is happy and not smiling because he wants to be happy. Yes, I can say that im stronger and tougher now but in reality i think i have a long long way to go, im only human i guess. But i try to be better in everything that i do, as always have been.

I need to tell you something. I am so much afraid of losing. Afraid of losing loved ones. ive never felt such kind of feelings before but even the mere though of death has always hit me in my deepest core. I hate it when i cry when i watch someone dying on movies. I ussually skip those parts. It is breaking my heart whenever i hear or see someone leaving somebody behind. Thats why i try to be nice now to people, to be more open minded, so that nobody will leave me abruptly and if they do, though its really hard to accept this, ill make sure ive said how much i love and miss them.

I was packing my things yesterday. A lot of these and a little of that. All for my loved ones, family and friends, a sign of how much i appreciate them in my life. I wish i could give them more, they deserve more, they deserve the best. By the way the company approved my yearly bonus today, but i wasnt happy really. Somehow money cant bring me happiness anymore. That word has caused a lot of trouble, yes it can sustain life but can it revive life too? It can make someone closer to you, but can it save a friendship - lost behind the lies and unspoken tears? i guess not. Looking on a bright side, it was a sign, an opportunity to spread my blessings from the Lord.

I was searching for you for the longest time, and i guess in time we will see each other. Someone has whispered to me that i am not yet ready, and i think hes right. If we are not meant to meet each other i can live with that. But i assure you i will wait and search for you with thoughts that you also will wait and search for me.

I might be searching in the wrong avenue, while you were waiting for me in the other end of the street. The world is unfair really but i know it is also bueatiful, who knows we might be the two fellows who will pick up the same wild red rose at the park one silly evening.




  1. losing someone i dearly love is my greatest fear too...


  2. i feel you. but you're still young. enjoy life muna. believe me you wouldn't want to look back at this time just to realize you've been focused on chasing love that you forgot to live.

  3. I might be searching in the wrong avenue, while you were waiting for me in the other end of the street.

    so poignant. i felt the stab in my heart. :(