Wednesday, October 28, 2009


“Beb ko!!!”

That’s how Nigel used to call me back in college. He was a transferee from La Salle – Dasma, and became my classmate in majority of the subjects during my third year in college. He possesses a very strong personality, a prominent jaw line and compared to my lean body he was chubbier. People can say that we are opposite poles, and i guess they were right. The first time we sat together in the laboratory, we instantly clicked, there aint a spark, though. That’s how our relationship started, as dear friends.

I was then chairman of our departmental student organization. Though Nigel was just a member, he was so eager to help the whole team to organize and plan each and every activity that the organization sponsored. He was with me from the processing of the activity proposal up to the actual events. It makes me smile to remember that once he emceed our sponsored quiz bee, with his call center-like accent, during our “LIFE DAY” festivities. We used to share our meals too and sometimes I and our friends were in their house to hang out, to chill and have some drinks, to the dismay of his strict mother. His father died a few years back due to leukemia.

“Beb one year na tayo magkakilala ah!”

Little busier than normal, we had less time to talk, mingle and share stories , I was graduating that time and was elected in a higher position in the supreme student council. We barely met each other really. I urged him to run for chairmanship on our departmental organization and he did run but unfortunately he failed to topple Miguel, our classmate. I was guilty because I never did my part to campaign for Nigel, worst I never voted for him for Miguel was also a dear friend, thus ive written on the slot for President a long line indicating I will not vote for anyone. I confessed this to him and it might be the reason why we slowly fell apart. I was never a good friend, to him or to anybody in particular.

We bumped into each other one time in a rainy day of July. He no longer calls me “BEB”. I really didn’t care anyway. He will just be another person in the world, someone who will come and go. We talked a little, about his new classmates, about home, about life. And then I distinctly saw some black-bluish bruises in his arms. I asked about that and he just simply pulled down the sleeves of his polo to hide them. I never cared about the bruises, I never cared for a friend who might needed more time from me, a tighter hug, a firmer handshake… I was so full of myself, I never really cared on how he cared and helped me before, how he appreciated me in his life, maybe how I became an element in a chamber of his heart. My line of thinking was straight, study to graduate with honors, be a student leader as additional merit on the resume, leave all extra baggage’s, no strings should be attached to anyone..

“Beb Promise?”

After a few weeks or so Nigel was diagnosed with leukemia, he inherited the cancer from his father. He was confined in St. Lukes Hospital, blood transfusions after blood transfusions were done. All the newest medical practices were applied to cure him. They were rich, and I put that to myself that he can survive with all these medical advances. We had the same blood type “AB”. Somehow I knew he needed me, I knew he needed me beside him. I promised to help him through this, but I failed. I didn’t even had the TIME to visit him in the hospital. I didn’t even bothered to go there to give my blood to him. The only thing that I can give him, a vital chance for him to survive. I was so selfish.


“I’ll wait for you…”

A long night. I approached his casket looking at his pale face. He looks so serene and at peace, if not only for the glass and the wood separating us, I could have guessed that he was just sleeping. Ansakit sakit, the worst way to miss someone is to be beside them knowing that theyll never say i love you too when you say that you love them, not return your hug when you hug them so tight, not smiling back when you crack a joke for their day to become brighter. i felt that when i sat beside his coffin... what monster have i become?

I and few classmates decided to stay the whole stretch of the evening at the wake, to show how much we love Nigel. Funny and clich├ęd as it seems that only by death and losing someone or something that we finally know their true value in our life. Her mom recounted the sufferings that Nigel has gone through, as I ask myself how many times has she done the retelling, I can tell how much painful it was to see her son in pain and the reality that she cant do nothing to erase and alleviate the pain. “He waited for you in the hospital…” were the words that she said to end her story as her eyes rested on me.

It stroked me deepest because I am the one closest to him and I let him down, he didn’t even had his last wish granted to see me and our friends in his last days in this life, how evil have I become, and how I hated myself to have done such atrocity. A simple gesture to someone dear, I cannot give. I was there in the church as his mom cried through his Eulogy. I was near the porch of the church not wanting to go near him, for I was ashamed of myself. I just bowed my head in prayer for his soul, it pains me to be a failure to a person who needs me and my presence in the last moments of his life. I was at the tail of the procession with some friends who also deeply grieved his passing. I was almost the last one who left the cemetery. Just to whispher to him…

“Im sorry, im so sorry wala ako sa tabi mo noong kailangan mo ng kaibigan. Im sorry sana mapatawad mo ako…” I saw her mom smile and I bid goodbye. I turned my back, away from his earthly tomb, but I will never ever forget him. My Beb, My Dear Friend.



Nigel changed me to become a better person. To care more about people whom I love, to give a helping hand to those in dire need of it, and to be humble in everything I do., to smile more often... He was one of the reason I seldom say promises, and if I do and say it, I will grant the promise in the best of my abilities, no matter what.

Nigel’s memory haunted me until Raoul came. Somehow ive felt that God has given me another chance to redeem myself from what I have done to a friend and thus I tried to become a friend, the truest one- the one who never leaves someone’s side, who understands, the patient and thoughtful one, the one who loves dearly and can give the BLOOD needed for one to survive… Though hindered by my evolved feelings for Raoul, I never left him, never a day that I abandoned him… I try to say to myself.

Maybe I was redeemed, maybe not.


Nigel wherever you are, im so sorry I left you, i miss you so much.

Raoul wherever you are, im so sorry if I failed you, but I never left you, never…

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


My first ever semi-mahalay post. A simple look kung sino ba si Prince Cloud sa totoong buhay.



First Crush or First boy na pinagpantasyahan?

Classmate ko noong high school. JJ ang pangalan. Maputi, magaling maggitara, maganda kumanta, gwapo, tahimik, maganda magsmile, heartthrob. Nakasave pa rin number nya sa akin. Kaso hindi mahilig mag Facebook o kaya friendster. Crush ko pa rin sya till now. Hehe. Kapit tuko ako when it comes sa pag-ibig eh. Isa pang hehe. He might be the reason why letter “J” was my most favorite letter in the alphabet. Last I know single pa rin sya according sa aming classmates. Hinihintay siguro ako, ching!.

First Love?

Unrequited love to Sonny for more than 5 years yata. Siya ang aking sinisisi dahil naging pihikan ako sa pagpili ng mamahalin. hehehe. Ilang beses na rin kaming magkatabi sa pagtulog pero I never initiated something sexual sa kanya pag magkatabi kami, ganun ko sya nirerespeto, at hindi sex ang habol ko. Hanggang titig lang ako sa maamo nyang mukha, habang nahihimbing sya. We met in the year 2002, became friends, I fell in love, then I went abroad, then I fell in love (unrequited) with another person extremely opposite to him. The catch is naikama ko rin naman si Sonny after 6 years namin magkakilala and he was married na that time. Haha. Im such a certified kabet, that would be the first and the last. Pambayad utang nya yata yun, ching.

First Time you save someones life?

Bata pa ako noon. siguro nasa grade 1. naglalaro ako dahil weekend eh. Tapos me narinig ako na umiiyak. hinanap ko ang umiiyak. malapit sa bangin ang bahay kubo namin. pagdungaw ko sa bangin nakita ko ang cute kong bunsong kapatid na andoon sa may bangin na malalim, nagkataon during that time sabi ng tatay madami daw bayawak doon eh, so takbo ako sa lola ko at ayun nailigtas namin si utol ko. Hindi ko lang matandaan kung ako ang nagbabantay sa kanya. Dahil doon kaya love na love ko si totoy.

First experience sa sex?

I was very very young, between 5 to 7 years old. Yung pinsan ko na papagaling na ang pagkakatuli sa kanya, isinama ako sa kwarto at nagsimulang paglaruan nya ang sarili. “Ano yan kuya?” tanong ko habang lumalaki ang kanyang junior. “Dedehin mo yan” sabi nya. “Yoko nga kuya.” Giit ko. Nung nag cum na sya, syempre mausisa ako, bata eh. Tinanong ko kung ano yung lumabas. “Gatas yan Cloud!” sambit nya. “Ahhhh” sagot ko. After nun yata hanggang highschool malimit akong kinukulit ng kuya.

First Kiss?

With my cousin sa maternal side. High school na yata ako noon. Sa kanya ako natuto ng torrid kiss at French kiss. Lols.

First boyfriend?

Next question please. Lols.

First heartbreak?

When someone left. I hope that would be the first and the last heartbreak. Ang sakit kaya.

First and Last.

First (and last) Girlfriend?

Ewan ko ba bakit meron din naman natatanga sa aking mga babae. Si Pea Princess na hinaharana ko dati, na hinihintay ang aking pag uwi, si Ponyang na katarato ko na pakakasalan ko pagsapit nya ng 26 pag wala pa ako GF o pag wala pa siya asawa. I confess na medyo malambot ako at dapat naman nahahalata yun nila. At hindi ko naman mapaniwalaan eh me mga nagkakacrush daw sa akin, weh sa pangit ko namang ito, sino binola nila?. Nagtry ako manligaw. Ang naging biktima ng aking laro ay si Regine. Kinakantahan ko sya, binibigyan ng tsokolate at rosas at sinasabayan paguwi. Ilang linggo ang lumipas, nagkataong Baleyntayns Dey. Sinagot nya ako. Makalipas ang ilang buwan ako na rin nakipagkalas. Takenote sa simbahan namin pinutol ang aming ugnayan. Last I heard nag-asawa na raw sya.

First (and last) time you wore a DRESS?

I was on kinder nang mapagkatuwaan akong bihisan ng pambabae at muk-apan ng mga kapatid na MATON ng tatay ko. Me picture pa nga ako noon na may hawak na Barbie doll. Galit na galit ang Inay ko pagdating nya galing sa trabaho.

First (and last) time you almost died?

Sakitin ako nung bata. Inaalagaan ako ng lola ko dahil me lagnat ako. Ang Inay naglalaba. Tumaas bigla ang aking lagnat at nagkuntodo suka ako. I ended up sa hospital. Tumitirik na daw kasi mata ko. Tapos kuntodo suka. tanda ko noon sobrang iyak ang inay. nung nagkamalay ako tanong ng tatay "ano gusto mo kainin?" sabi ko "fried chicken tatay!". Thank you Lord kasi andito pa po ako.

First (and last) suicide attempt?

I was young. Ewan ko kung ano ang nagtulak sa akin na gawin iyon. Magkaaway kami ng Inay. Hindi ko matandaan kung tungkol saan basta masamang masama ang loob ko noon na para bagang puputok ang puso ko. Takbo ako sa banggerahan at nakakita ng matulis na bagay, ang TINIDOR! Lols. Naalaman siguro ni inay ang aking gagawin kaya habol sya sa akin, kinuha ang tinidor at pinalo ako sa pwet ng napakainam.

First (and last) sex at the movies?

Kasama ko si Gio, Opismeyt ko dati. Pelikula ni Ashton kutcher yun. Hindi ko na lang matandaan kung ano ang title, kasi naman hindi iyon ang ipinunta namin doon. Lols. Sa madaling salita kakaunti ang tao sa sinehan at madilim, kuntodo hawakan pero asiwa kasi sa loob, nauwi na lang sa CR ang movie date. Go figure out.

First (and last) sex with a total stranger?

Hindi ako basta basta nakikipagsex. Andami ko kasi insecurities. Lols. Dapat kilala ko muna ang aking makakasex personally. O yung matagal ko nang kakilala o kaya ay nakikita ko na malimit though hindi ko pa nakakausap pwede narin. Pero sinubukan ko one time, na makipagsex sa hindi ko kakilala. College na ako noon at practicum time, Nakatira ako sa Cainta at nanonood ng isang channel ng TV na merong CHAT sa tabi habang may music Video na pinapalabas sa katabi. Samakatuwid namili ako ng number doon. Tinawagan ko ang landline at nakipagpalitan ng celphone number, nakipagphone sex pa yata ang loko noon. Kinabukasan nasa katipunan ako, katabi na sya. Atenista siya. Nalimutan ko na name nya pero ang name ko na ginamit ko sa kanya ay Prince BENEDICT. Lols. After that good boy na ako ulet.

First (and last) sex outdoor?

Sa isang abandonadong trak sa gitna ng malaking loteng malapit sa highway. Mga alas otso ng gabi. Maalikabok.

Almost the First

(Almost the) First time you went to a motel?

Kaming dalawa ni Cold Cofee Knight. Sige hintay ako dyan sa may mercury drug, pinabili ng paraphernalia’s habang sya ay naghihintay na may mabakanteng kwarto jan sa SOGO sa Cubao. Buti na lang sobrang dami ng naka booking at hindi natuloy ang aming pagpunta sa motel. Iniuwi nya ako sa boarding house nya pero wala ding nangyari, sobrang napagod kaya ako no weh madaling araw nayun. Na badtrip ang loko at nagdemonyo. Yun na ang huling beses siguro na makikipagkita ako sa kanya.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Ang Lalaki sa Bintana

Nakadungaw ako sa bintana. Matagal, sobrang tagal kong nakaabang at nakahalungbaba iniisip na sana man lang sumilip ka doon. Kahit hindi sa direksyon ko ikaw tumingin, basta makita ko lamang ang iyong mukha, masaya na ako. Ilang saglit pa may isang batang sumama sa akin sa pag-aabang. Maamo ang kanyang mukha, nakangiti at nakasuot ng puti. Siguro naawa siya na ako lamang mag-isa ang naghihintay sa iyong pagsilip kaya sinamahan nya ako.

Nginitian ko ang bata at tinanong.

“Nasaan na ang kuya mo?”

Ngumiti ang batang lalaki sa akin. Maamong ngiti na nakakagaan ng loob.

“Hindi na po kami dyan nakatira eh. Lumipat na kami.” Malambing na sagot ng bata.

Napabuntong hininga ako ngunit hindi ko ipinahalata sa batang paslit ang aking lungkot na nararamdaman. Wala rin palang patutunguhan ang aking paghihintay. Kahit naman ilang araw, linggo, buwan o taon ang aking pinaghihintay doon, wala rin naman pala akong makikitang dudungaw. Wala. Tumayo ako at iniwan ang bata sa may bintana.

Papalakad ako papuntang kusina nang may mapansin akong nakamasid sa akin sa kabilang kwarto. Nagtatago siya at pilit na hindi ipinapakita ang kanyang buong sarili sa akin. Ngunit sa amoy at pigura pa lamang, kahit ilang segundo at pahapyaw pa lamang ang aking pagkakakita sa kanya kilala ko na kaagad kung sino ang taong yun. Malamang naalaman na ng lalaking nabisto ko na ang kanyang pagtatago at siyay lumabas na sa kwartong pinagtataguan, ako namay papalakad na lumapit sa kanya habang siyay natigilan sa kanyang pagkakatayo. Ang aking lalaking hinihintay pala ay doon na nakatira sa aking bahay, hindi niya iyon ipinaalam sa akin. Nakangiti ako habang lumalapit sa kanya. Ganoon ko kasaulado ang kanyang mukha at perpektong iyon pa din ang aking nakikita hanggang sa ngayon. Niyakap ko siya ng sobrang higpit na akala mo ay iyon na ang huling yakap na maibibigay ko. Mahigpit na mahigpit.

At nagising ako, umiiyak..

Monday, October 5, 2009

My Dear Shade,

Dear Shade,

i was planning not to talk to you or write you, but i cant resist the urge of coming back to your humble abode. It seems that this dark and lonely place has been an integral part of my system already, just like what the the laughing "phoenix" has done to my soul and of course the heartwrenching "fortress' that has crumbled to the ground and turned to dust. It seems in you i have found the inner peace i have been looking for, and i thank you for that.

You ask how am i doin? Im doin quite well, not the same as the one that you used to talk to. of course. I miss my old self too, the one that smiles because he is happy and not smiling because he wants to be happy. Yes, I can say that im stronger and tougher now but in reality i think i have a long long way to go, im only human i guess. But i try to be better in everything that i do, as always have been.

I need to tell you something. I am so much afraid of losing. Afraid of losing loved ones. ive never felt such kind of feelings before but even the mere though of death has always hit me in my deepest core. I hate it when i cry when i watch someone dying on movies. I ussually skip those parts. It is breaking my heart whenever i hear or see someone leaving somebody behind. Thats why i try to be nice now to people, to be more open minded, so that nobody will leave me abruptly and if they do, though its really hard to accept this, ill make sure ive said how much i love and miss them.

I was packing my things yesterday. A lot of these and a little of that. All for my loved ones, family and friends, a sign of how much i appreciate them in my life. I wish i could give them more, they deserve more, they deserve the best. By the way the company approved my yearly bonus today, but i wasnt happy really. Somehow money cant bring me happiness anymore. That word has caused a lot of trouble, yes it can sustain life but can it revive life too? It can make someone closer to you, but can it save a friendship - lost behind the lies and unspoken tears? i guess not. Looking on a bright side, it was a sign, an opportunity to spread my blessings from the Lord.

I was searching for you for the longest time, and i guess in time we will see each other. Someone has whispered to me that i am not yet ready, and i think hes right. If we are not meant to meet each other i can live with that. But i assure you i will wait and search for you with thoughts that you also will wait and search for me.

I might be searching in the wrong avenue, while you were waiting for me in the other end of the street. The world is unfair really but i know it is also bueatiful, who knows we might be the two fellows who will pick up the same wild red rose at the park one silly evening.