Tuesday, September 1, 2009


“I’m still finding the right reasons to stay, Shawn…”

It felt really odd to sum up the strength to say those words to him.

“Just stay the night, just tonight for old times sake, our last bonding moment, im lonely you know, ever since Andrew left me… and now its you, who are leaving me behind…”

His tender words still strikes hard on me, the ghost of our five month old conversation still echoes in my ears. It has been a five months since Shawn, ceased communications with me. He might be angry at me or something in that sense, well that’s what I think, but it was quite understandable because he was the last to know about my decision to leave, worse I didn’t even told him my plans. I don’t know my reasons, why I did that to him, for he usually knows my plans- from morning to the time I sleep until the time I wake up to the next couple of days, my plans for the next month or the succeeding year, he knows all of that. Shawn on the other hand never planned anything; he usually scolds me with the cliché “Live your life one day at a time”. That’s why maybe Andrew left him, he never had plans for their future or worse for himself.

Shawn has been my very dear friend for years now, and ever since ive set my eyes on his, I already knew that he was special. I stared on the passenger seat of my car and I thought I saw his silhouette, while holding a cup of his favorite coffee… and making that irritable noise that always make me smile. I never intended to love him, I don’t really know why cupid has destined me to be just a friend to a person who I truly love. Ill always be Shawn's second priority, never been the first. Andrew was indeed very lucky to have him. I really cant figure out what went wrong with their three year old relationship to just end in a swift manner months ago. I mean their relationship was older than my friendship with them. I always thought that they’ll last, eventhough it makes my heart bleed to see them happy, what more can I do but to smile and laugh with them, for that’s what friends do best, to be happy when their happy, eventhough youre not really… He believes and always states that “one should not fall in love with a friend”… came from his famous “friendship code”…

“You are selfish, Prince, why did you never told me this, this… this... cold treatment aint doin good on me or you, you never included me in your grandest plan, you planned this, to exclude me…”

I never budged, when Shawn said those words, I really understand what he had said, all these time, I have been selfish to him. I never said my true feelings , for that I became an enemy he always had been avoiding. And the leaving song is already upon us. I still feel Shawns warm chest, when I hugged him that night. He almost broke down as if hes gonna cry, but he didn’t. Maybe that’s the power that a hug could give - security, strength, warmth. The hug was indeed tight and my nose still smells the perfume that that he wore, and the scent of the shampoo that he used that day.

“Im sorry I had to leave you Shawn, I know youre strong.”

I recall that I was the first one to loosen my hug, turned my back and went into the door, opened it and ran towards my car, almost crying. Indeed I was the enemy of my own war. And the enemy is winning

Its been the longest rainy season without him, and I never heard anything from Shawn which is strange, really. I am not used to this because all of my activities was reported on to him and he had always checked on me if im safely home or still in gimik places, which is of course as Shawn has always said… “A duty of a friend”.

I still recall the last txt message that he sent me…

“Nothings gonna be the same again…” he sent this one after a couple of days after we last met each other. And it seems my love for him was stronger than the urge to leave him completely. I tried to make amends and tried to reach out again. But to no avail hes either busy, out of town or just as elusive as the stars in daytime. The act of leaving and forgetting that I should be doing was being accomplished by Shawn for me…

“Mom im home.” I yelled as I opened my car and briskly walked on the living room to see her put down the receiver of the phone. “Who was that, mom?” I asked her in hopes that Shawn has changed his mind and wanted to see me for the last time…

My mom smiled as if she was teasing me… “Its Shawn…” she giggled “He wanted to see you on your favorite tambayan, I ask where, but he only answered that you already knew… its 3pm sharp”

My pale eyes started to glitter, that’s what my mom said actually. Though it wasn’t in my plans to meet someone on the day before our flight, I think I could just squeeze him in, besides according to his “FRIENDSHIP CODE” it’s a mortal sin not to accept an invitation from a friend who you didn’t see for quite sometime, well I can consider the months long silence to fit in his “quite sometime” phrase

I dreamt once that in this battle called life I was a damsel in distress in need of a hero… A Damsel who has the right reasons to be weak and in need of someone to save me with their weapons and chivalry. And eventhough just in my dreams Shawn is my Knight in Shining Armor.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Prince. That must have been hard. It's hard not to tell what you really felt. I think it's best to tell him what you truly feels. Nevertheless, I wish you all the best.