Thursday, September 24, 2009

[ix] BLUE RIVER: The Sad Hue of Blue

I was my own hero maybe. Shawn definitely wasn’t one or more appropriately not my hero. The scenes that I have been through yesterday didn’t gave me the opportunity to sleep. I did not cry a single tear the moment the devastation came. The monster that I have inside might not be the winner after all, but I can feel his hunger and the strength to be released.

It was all part of my history already, to be used, abused and to be the dumb ass. I permitted them to slay me naked, and im not complaining. I just envisioned that when the time comes that I will rise up, someone will held my hand and say, “you did great you asshole, come here and feel my love”. Alas it might never come.

I stood up, ran away from my fortress, never wanting my mother to see me dying.


“He did that to you? Believe me, may mas malala pa dyan sa taong yan!”

It was one of Shawns txt messages to my “I need your help” moment in the morning. But alas he never extended an eager hand to comfort me in this phoenix’s burning day. It was those moments that you were sure that a friend will let you borrow his lifeline to support yours for you have exhausted all the lifelines you have to save him, but pity he never really understood what it meant, thus never realizing that slowly you of all people was alone after all. In the deepest vowels of my heart, its painful to accept that the message was a self inflicted revelation that indeed he is worse than the Cold Coffee Knight.

“Please come here at Glorrietta… I need you. Thank you.”

I spent the whole morning at the mall. Checking out the faces of people passing by my spot. I missed this sport. Though I have a bad memory, I cant even recall actual facial features. But I do recall their smiles, how they light up when a child points out that they wanted that pretty doll. I remember how their dimple shows up when the person walking in their side reaches for their other hand. I recollect how others are so serious with life that they don’t even notice that a poor soul in this lonely place in the mall is breaking apart. But what the heck am I talking about, it doesn’t really matter anyhow, the world wont stop for a single broken soul, in fact there are bigger things to be busy with.

“There you are, ive been looking all over for you, andito ka lang pala. Common lets have an ice cream, taralets!” He took my hand and helped me stand up and guided my way towards the nearest ice cream parlor. He was not a knight in shining armor, nor the prince who will save the damsel in distress, though I used to wish he was…

But most important of all He was a friend, and will always be.


We ended at Yellow Cab, lunching over spaghetti & meatballs and Charlie Chan, nostalgic; those were also on out table when me, Daniel, Karen and Shawn first met each other, years ago.

“Daniel isosoli ko na ito sa iyo, I think I wont need this anymore, thank you very much andami mo na nagawa sa akin.” I handed the white small envelope containing ‘DANIEL’s LICENCE’.

“Anukaba, sa iyo yan!” He pushed the envelope back to me, and that started it.

As busy shoppers pass my back, they didn’t noticed that I was crying a river, bbut I was mindful of the tears I cried, I might drown the person who will save me, Daniel.

I recounted the painful yesterdays. It was indeed Angelo who opened my eyes to who I have become just to be loved by a significant another. Though I have always thought it was unconditional, it wasn’t after all. I was being selfish to everybody especially to the one I owe so much, myself.

What pains the soul wasn’t the cold coffee night nor the busy fast food chain yesterday but the fact that the battle was yet from over and im already losing it. I have sacrificed so much and still I feel empty and underappreciated.

“Believe me Dan I did begged myself to stop this foolishness…” and those times when my brain was at bay and my feet chained, my heart worked wonders that I have never ever thought it was capable of doing. Though the nervous system sends pain signals to the brain and was excruciatingly difficult to handle, the heart has countered all of that and I was happy, beyond all the doubts and fear that I have collected, all but love and trust reigned in me. I was saving him in the expense of my soul, I do hope I have saved his world, I can only do much but beyond that I am nothing. The mountain that I have lifted left a steep ravine for me to fall into.

The spicy afternoon at Yellow Cab turned to a sad hue of Blue, accompanied by a river of tears, the bridge yet to be built.


Daniel was so patient, he listened to me and lend me his hanky. That might be the day he will never forget and the day that I try not to remember. He showed me how to start picking up the pieces of what has been broken along the way. On the way to the not so far Star Bucks where we walked below tall buildings reminiscing our not so young friendship, now tighter and stronger than ever before. He stretched his strong arms and extended it on my shoulder.

“Do you remember what I promised you a year ago?” Daniel asked.

“Whats that I don’t think I recall it? I do hope its not illegal?” I smiled.

I promised you this.

And as the sun was spreading his last rays on the horizon, in the secluded and comfortable place near a vacant lot where no cars or people are visible the heavens saw how Daniel kissed Prince, and after the brouhaha, I knew that one person will never leave me.

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