Thursday, August 20, 2009

Is this the time when i will say "CLOUD MOVE ON"?

There are so many things that remind me of you. Physical things that might be considered as junk to someone else but inside my abode and my heart they are considered as rare pieces of collectible items that holds countless meanings in my life.

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I still have the starbucks plastic cup with its green straw, with your name on it forever printed, permanently displayed beside my flower vase. I remembered that I wasn’t willing to finish the whole coffee so as to have the excuse of bringing home the cup to save it and be a remembrance. Still it is there on that particular platform, standing strong, I have placed it there ever since I came back here abroad. That honored place has been always your spot.

Inside the dusty starbucks cup was a peculiar tissue paper, its not just an ordinary tissue paper but written on it was the song that I have written the night after you made me cry. The night that I realized I will never be in the same position as the one that you truly love.
Written on the ruffled tissue was:
Am I really over you?
It doesn’t feel so right
when a dream turns into dust
Was goodbye the end of time?
Its unfair you ended my life,
im drownin in a pool of sand
The truth? Im holding on.
And why? I just don’t know
And you said we cant avoid

That I dream of you while you dream of him
Its typical that life and love are just too strange
Yes I dream of you and I cant pretend
That all along we don’t belong, still im hanging on

Cryin while the storm reigns
Don’t wanna let you know
that this is breakin me apart
The time I memorized your face
My eyes see nothing but you
But now my visions have to stop.
I need to be alone
What the heck, all this time I was
But in me, I guess youll never fade…

On my study table lay a peculiar 2007 planner that pretty much contains the unforgettable events that transpired on my first vacation, it was the year when we first met each other.

A small white envelope that contains receipts that I fervently collected and kept during my 2008 vacation. More than half of them contains memories that I am with you, though I wasn’t sure if youre with me.

  • There was a Tokyo Tokyo receipt, the night we dined in at Trinoma, you were so patient you toured me for the first time in that mall.
  • The CafĂ© Tentitas receipt was the proof that I was with you during your 26th birthday, I was happy, from there I took a photo of you that I had saved multiple times on my hard drive.
  • Then there was this Twilight movie ticket, I watched alone, because I know youll never ask me out. I made a realization now, that all this time I am the only one who is very much willing to be with you. Well there were times you really wanted to see me, when you needed my help.
  • And then there was this Bus receipt, on the day we parted, I just cant fathom that it would be the last, but I have to be strong, you decided to turn your back, and I have to walk away from you.
Your text messages, I have saved them. There was this protected file hidden in the bowels of my external hard drive that contains most of the messages people have given me, I have seen it maybe a few times, reminiscing the past, I really am surprised most of your messages to me were… you asking for my help.

I have also saved an archive of our YM conversation so that I remember how you made me smile, laugh and learn from your experiences. It made me realize I miss moments like that. The proof that you were there to accompany me in lonely times and I was there to remind you to love and care for you baby.

There was also this two audio files that contains our conversation over the phone, I have never heard it in a while, I don’t want to. I saved it to remind me of your voice, how you laugh, how you made me feel secure and how youd lifted my spirits up when im sober.

Beside my laptop, there is a small stuffed toy, a kangaroo, looking at me. He was my constant companion during sleepless nights. He was a deaf-mute witness of my howls of pain and river of tears. I learned to hug him tightly wishing that it has the power to hug me back, pat my back and say “its alright, everything will be fine”. He was your Christmas present to me, you christened him Mike... And guess what, it is my most prized possession. For me its worth a million.

"Is this the time that i will say 'CLOUD MOVE ON'?" A dear friend told me, and I guess hes right. Its time to move on and grow up, it’s the moment that you have to learn that no matter how hard you try to hug tightly onto something that do not have the ability to hug you back, you have to let go and find a real someone who will appreciate and cherish the hug you are giving. Love in all aspects whether it be romantic, friendly, or in family aspects, is always a two way street.

So as the song goes: “Once you believe in a love forevermore, how do you leave it in the drawer?”

I picked the Starbucks cup with the tissue inside, and placed it inside a drawer that is only opened only once in a blue moon.

I separated the old 2007 planner from my current planner to remind me that this past is all over and the days to come will be forged not by the memories of him but memories of happiness and joy with loved ones.

Together with the planner and the cup I placed the white envelope with the receipts inside the drawer to remind me that it was all worth it, I was good and I was his hero, not a hindrance from happiness.

I separated the files that involve his presence, the archived text messages, ym conversations, the audio file from my documents – and eventually forget all about them. That when the day comes, years from now, when i have a new life, I might accidentally found out that they actually exist. I could bring back the memories of his smile, laughter, the jokes we shared and the help that we have given each other. It would be a great delight in the future indeed.

As for Mike my small kangaroo stuffed toy, im sorry I have to place you inside the cabinet, from there you will be safe from dirt and dust. Im so sorry you saw how I cried at nights when I was alone. Thank you for making me feel secured, thank you for the courage you gave me to wake up each morning, thank you for letting me hug you and staying up with me at the wee hours of the night. I will miss you terribly, but for now let me forget, I know ill see you soon. You are my most prized possession and forever you will be with me.

I don’t have the strength to throw them or burn them to oblivion just like what the characters in movies are doing. They were part of me already, I do think separation from these memories will do - until the time I have picked up all the shattered pieces of my heart and of my ego.

I guess im learning the Art of letting go…

2 comments:

  1. Oh cloud, I don't know what to say but I can feel the pain. I hope you'll get over all of these. *hugs*

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  2. sana nga xtian. salamat sa hugs. =)

    ReplyDelete