Monday, July 20, 2009

I Never Asked for Red Roses

I never asked you to love me, my love for you and letting me love you in my own simple way was more than enough for me.

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Its 11pm and im crying. I have stared on this blank sheet for a while now and images of the past have revisited me once again, as fluid as they be, I wanted to save them and place them on the archives of my heart and soul forever. The night was supposed to comfort a lonely soul, similar to the soul that I have, but circumstances arise that we need to see how scarred and broken we were to understand that the pain and all the cruelty this world has inflicted to the psyche can be the saving grace of others and perhaps can save their lives.

The thought that one of the most important person in your world would leave you forever is the hardest thing to accept in life. It takes a great deal of faith, love and sacrifice to understand that life was just meant to be lived fully and after all of that is death and beyond. So it was hard for me to watch someone confess on national TV that the most important person in her world is dying because of Cancer. How hard it was to hear that the days are numbered and its just a matter of time that eventually the will of the body and mind will succumb to the sickness that nobody wants.

Kris Aquino’s statements regarding the health of her beloved mother Corazon Aquino, struck my soul, and I remembered my dear friendship James.

Its been a long summer without him. I miss his messages, our irregular chikahan, his woes, his sufferings, his pain, his pleas, his smiles, his laughter. His voice. His cry for help. I really don’t know if I was a good friend to him, or if I was, how did my presence in his life affected his soul. Have I even left an imprint on him that he cannot forget? I really don’t know. But if someone asked me if he left an imprint on my soul, he did. Its like a tattoo on my chest that maybe lasered off but will always be part of me.

It all started the day he needed a hero, the day I chose to be his SUPERMAN. But little did I know that my heart was the kryptonite.

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My conscience will call me a liar if I will tell to myself that I wasn’t attracted to him the first time I saw him, but I wasn’t into him. It wasn’t love at first sight. That feeling was supposed to end that night, for I crave for someone else, amongst our number, the Mr. Right for me. Though the latter was also into me, its indeed difficult to be with me, I for one work overseas, making it difficult to be a partner. Thus, nothing materialized. But a different kind of partnership sprouted in that noisy evening, its what people call “FRIENDSHIP”.

I cant even remember the reason why I fell in love with him, a supposed overseas friendship connected only thru mobile phones and the internet. He wasn’t as sweet as Sonny, my first love, who always tell me what I wanted to hear and who sings angelically. He wasn’t as handsome and gorgeous as Achilles, fubu, who always made me feel secured through his tight embraces. He wasn’t as generous and protective as LUCIAN, an arab suitor, who stands as my personal security agent here abroad. Moreover he wasn’t like my mom who cares and loves me so much; it irritates me in a good way. But through all the comparisons, other than my mom, he outshone them all. At the back of my head, someone is telling that it is wrong to love him, then how can it be wrong if it feels so right… Ironic that I have to fall for someone so far away instead of someone just so near.

I made a promise of friendship, a vow that I haven’t broken. I will always be there for him no matter what. And the guy that said love can move mountains was telling the truth, I did, I did move mountains for James.

And he called my name from time to time, and each and every time he called, I wasnt there physically, but in so many different ways, I was always with him, happily helping him though all the pain, sufferings, and shortcomings of people around him. Every sacrifice was worth it, I always told myself. Being friends with him was a great delight; he made me sane and kept my head from floating, he made me smile once in a while. He was my personal brand of MULTIVITAMINS, made me energized, inspired and sometimes troubled to the point that tears were swelling in my eyes. Until the day I realized I have fallen for a trap that I have made for myself. As a true friend to him, I confessed what I felt, and his reply was a mere “Hindi natin maiiwasan yan eh.”.

I did begged myself to stop this foolishness, and with my brain at bay and my feet chained, my heart worked wonders that I have never ever thought it was capable of doing. Though the nervous system sends pain signals to the brain and was excruciatingly difficult to handle, the heart has countered all of that and I was happy, beyond all the doubts and fear that I have collected, all but love and trust reigned in me.

The tears I have first shed for him at Yellow Cab with David watching me was worth it, I have always told myself. The resounding wake up call that Greg has given me in the bridge of Pasig River was nothing, for I am wide awake. I have no regrets. Never will have, when it comes to James.

I was saving him in the expense of my soul, I do hope I have saved his world, I can only do much but beyond that I am nothing. The mountain that I have lifted left a steep ravine for me to fall into.

For me that promise was the road that will lead me home. I held on to that promise until the day he left me. I can still recall his last message to me. “Kung wala ka malamang wala na rin ako, salamat salamat.”

According to him, he was sick. Like a person who loves blindly, I have accepted all the truths that have come from him, without any doubt. And he assured me he will wait for my return, and we can still salvage the hope that is still in the air and be friends forever.

After three years of regular correspondence, of jokes and laughters. Of tears and wet pillows. He left. And I was free from my promise, I have fulfilled my vow. But did the kryptonite’s power stopped, I think not.

It was my duty to make sure he was ok. To make sure he was safe, happy, content, loved by the people who was taking care of him. But my efforts were futile. My calls wasn’t answered, My emails might be read but left in the bin, my texts- just a waste of space. I did what I have to do, and I waited, just like what I have been doing all my life. Waited and be patient, my best quality. But distance and the lack of knowledge of his world might be the reason why our bridge collapsed. I tried to build it again, but he refused to help.

I waited, I was sure he will come back.

It was the saddest phone call of my life. James’ most loved, Carlo, sent me a message that prompted me to urgently call him. The words that I have heard crushed my heart and soul. James was dying, in coma, and just waiting for someone so that he can kick his bucket peacefully. Carlo said, it might be me who James wants. Carlo didn’t know how much it pained me to hear the words he uttered. I just cried. Im trapped here and powerless, I cant even save myself from drowning in my tears.

It was a torture beyond all tortures combined. James needed me once again maybe for the last time. But how many times have I said to myself that “this is the last time”? Countless maybe. All that’s left in me was my life, I could give it to him gladly I just don’t know how to break my life force to enable me to lengthen his.

My heart has weakened overtime, and brain tookover on the dealings with Carlo’s messages about james. “Where was he when James needed help? And its timely enough for him to take over on saving James”. I have lost my super strength, my speed was mediocre and my laser eyes were blind, my red cape was torn, I cant fly anymore. Brain has told the heart to stop talking and let him think this through. But brain knew from the very beginning that Clouds heart is mightier, though weak, but still dominant. And it was decided that mightier than any help I can give was my prayers. Its my last power, my last way of helping James.

Do you know that I have asked God, to make you a liar? That all of this was just your way to live a good life. That you are not sick, and you are enjoying the life that I have dreamed of you to have, happy, loved, contented and safe. That in your world I may not be present but at least I know that you are living happily, the way ive always wanted you to be. I can live with the lies but the thought of you leaving, no, its so hard to accept that all this saving stuff meant nothing at all. I did my best James, im sorry i wasn’t the superman I was supposed to be, I wasn’t able to save you.

Leaving me with the thought of you dying in just months time is excruciatingly painful for my brain to decipher. But deep inside, my heart is telling me youre alright. Youll live and one day in Gods time we will see each other again,. That the tight embrace you gave me at the bus station in Pasay wasn’t the last and I can still see your smile and your pale face.

I just want you to know that I have crushed the kryptonite case of my heart, like what you have always wanted to happen.

You are loved and will always be my beloved friend. I miss you so much.

I never asked you to love me, i just hoped you did.

01:12am

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