The past week was one of the hardest periods of my life. The feeling is somewhat like a novice mountain climber, afraid of heights, who needs to climb a mountain to get the herb needed to heal himself from the poisonous word that was previously injected directly into his heart. That’s how hard my life have been for the past two weeks. I need to climb to save myself, but im so afraid. A part of me is saying to stay poisoned, this is what life is meant to be.
My mind is telling to forget you, but my heart is saying otherwise. The goddam organ is still hoping, the fact that he has left without a trace of coming back. Will I wait or will I bid goodbye too?
Maybe he has an ironclad reason why he did the things he did. Maybe this is his way to help me get over him. Maybe he needs more attention from people who are whole, people who has higher value or people whom he can gain more, more than I have already given… I am ready to accept those, but to hinder me from knowing his state is breaking my heart over and over again. I who has always wanted the best for him, to be safe and happy… a single word of gratitude or care on the state that I have gone through to save him is all but enough… but to erase me In his life, is indeed the worst moment of this fucking life. He has been online in friendster, has updated his facebook and most probably searching for a hook up or more valuable friends in downelink, while I am here waiting for him to tell me hows his life after ruining mine. But you know what, im glad to know that he is still alive and, well, not only kicking but searching for a mate. Ill just be here waiting…
I will never be angry or will never hate him; my love for him is stronger than those things. I can wait for the right time for him to tell me the things I ought to hear. I do hope it would not be too late. Ill continue to hold on because that is all I wanted, that is how my life might end, and that is how makes my day roll on and on. Without this love for him, I might be crazy or I might be weaker to just accept death as the best option. I think I have done my purpose in life, I have fulfilled a promise, the next step is now in motion, it might be his this time or mine again.
Every waking day without him is like a phoenix’s burning day.