Sunday, May 17, 2009

“Its their loss…”

Its been the longest weeks without you. And every gruesome day is slowly killing me, tearing me piece by piece, limb by limb, breaking my slow thumping heart to tiny little pieces. But what am I to you, just a measly ugly fly on your chardonnay? Or maybe I was just another broken brick on your backyard that can be easily thrown to the lawn and just let the grass outgrow me. Perhaps another stop sign or a blank billboard on your highway. It hurts so much to be this way, miserable in every aspect.

In the coldness of the night, I often ask the stars if I deserve such kind of fate in your hands? I do not deserve this, I have been good to you and to all the people I know, but now I know that this kindness was never meant to be the assurance that I would be free from this fucking hurt that is killing me now. What makes it worse is that, of all the people who can inflict such kind of torture to this poor soul, fate has destined you to be the sadist in an angels’ disguise. If this would be a punishment to crime that I have done or yet to be undertaken, just finish it with a swish and ill be glad to oblige, but please don’t prolong my agony, I do not deserve such treatment. My only defense is that I had loved you so much that it so painful, after all that I have said and done to save you, here you are slowly killing me.

“Its their loss…” you once told me when people that id help slowly disappeared after the help has been granted. Now I humbly ask you not to be the the same as the two persons, who asked my help, when they got what they wanted, they have forgotten the poor old Cloud, miserable and rejected. Please don’t do this.

But since there would never be us, just I or you. Let me build my defenses around me for my soul to remain alive.

Today will be the last day, ill call you.
Today will be the last day ill wait for your messages.
Today will be the last day ill hope that you will return.
Today will be the last day I will breath
Because today you’ve killed me.

I pray to God almighty that you’ll be safe and healthy, happy and alive. Whatever the reason behind your disappearance, I understand and I forgive you. I pray that the one you cherish most have loved you the way you loved him. Ill be contented in every way possible just to see that you have lived and felt what I have always wanted you felt. Today and the days after will be the days you will never find me. I hope im strong enough to resist you.

If ever youll come back, I do hope that my defenses are strong enough to keep you at bay.

I do not deserve to feel this way, again. You do not deserve me.

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Now back to regular programming.



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