Saturday, May 23, 2009

Genuine and Precious

I was walking home late again, weaker than the light of the pale moon, darker than the deserted alleyway and sober than Stephen Bishop’s Separate Lives. I managed to live one more day without any answers from you. There was no word of assurance that my sacrifice was not in vain and no victorious phrases that we have won your battle against an enemy that you have introduced to me, and I was willing enough to assist you in that unknown pandemonium. Because simply I wanted you to be safe and happy, even if the price to pay was my own happiness.

I was not able to salvage any happiness in the air. All of those i gathered, I have given them willingly to you, and I hoped that in return when I am battling my own war youll be there to assist me too. But alas, I am alone tonight and the nights before this night, and probably the nights following this night. And the rampaging battle is waiting for me, yes I am alone and there is no you to save me. I built my fortress around you, which left me bare, no armor to deflect a monsters punch, no shield to protect me from fiery arrows, no walls to stop the rampaging stampede. Alas you left me without any single word.

I walk slowly in the night. I have previously managed to replace all the songs in my player with songs that I know will help me comfort the monster that wanted to leap outside and tear my entirety. With just minutes to spare I felt that fucking emotion, wants to get out. I am filled already with overwhelming anguish, despair and loss, that my heart cannot contain them anymore. I was inches from my door when that warm liquid raced their way down my cheeks to my waiting chest and until they were absorbed by the cotton shirt that will never know their value in my life. With my trembling hand, I tried to open the door with all my might, I stepped hurriedly inside, opened the AC and my limp body suddenly dropped on the bed just like what I have seen numerous times on the teleseryes on Tv and the movies ive watched on the big screen. I thought at first it wasn’t me cryin, that this was somebody else. But when I started to howl in pain, I asked the Lord, “Why me?, Help me Lord!”. I even recall my Inays Old face, whos more deserving of the love that I have given to you. I remember all of the sacrifices ive made just to make you secure and safe, and probably happy too. I thought all along that the howling stranger in my bed was not me and then i had the realization that this is the truth, that was me. those were my tears, my voice was in pain, my memories full of loneliness and my prayers were full of sadness. The MP3 player stuck on my ears, played songs that broke my heart…

Tell me where did I go wrong… what did I do to make you change your mind completely…

And the songs that I knew will unleash the monster never failed me. I saw myself so down, crying my heart out as if there was no tomorrow. I have never cried like this in my whole existence, and it was just because I loved, I trusted and I hoped.

Just like what I constantly hear… Love
Just what I wanted to do… Trust
And what I wanted in life… hope.

I reached my limit, I shouldn’t have stalked him, but not doing so would hinder me the fact that he is alive and well, maybe ill never knew he was doing good though searching for another someone to satisfy his other HUNGER.

But just a single word of assurance on his state, on his wellbeing, will just be enough to contain my tears and he miserably failed to do that. Whatever his reasons, i wanted to hear, while i still am sane.

I have reached out numerous times that night through messages, not mentioning that I have seen him online several times in the past few days including today. I guess its time for me to stop and refocus my life. Its just that this was the third time this happened to me and of all the people to kill me, why him.

I slept with a inflamed eyes, sore throat, and wet pillows
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I thought the tears will be forgotten and be gone like the night but after I woke up the day after, I still cried.

I refuse to get hurt anymore, but how can I live in this world when I do not have a purpose anymore, that someone has betrayed me and not only he has taken my heart but my whole life.

Anyway, im not feeling suicidal or anything. When I have refocused my life and had eventually moved on. Lintik lang ang walang ganti. Errr no. I refuse to hate and to be angry. I wish him well, he will never find any person as genuine and precious as me.

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PBA09s3sp157

3 comments:

  1. your life's purpose may sit on someone else's. and not his. hope you find this someone else. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. tap on your shoulder.

    its just a matter of finding and sustaining the right one and not the perfect one for you.

    ReplyDelete