Saturday, May 23, 2009

Genuine and Precious

I was walking home late again, weaker than the light of the pale moon, darker than the deserted alleyway and sober than Stephen Bishop’s Separate Lives. I managed to live one more day without any answers from you. There was no word of assurance that my sacrifice was not in vain and no victorious phrases that we have won your battle against an enemy that you have introduced to me, and I was willing enough to assist you in that unknown pandemonium. Because simply I wanted you to be safe and happy, even if the price to pay was my own happiness.

I was not able to salvage any happiness in the air. All of those i gathered, I have given them willingly to you, and I hoped that in return when I am battling my own war youll be there to assist me too. But alas, I am alone tonight and the nights before this night, and probably the nights following this night. And the rampaging battle is waiting for me, yes I am alone and there is no you to save me. I built my fortress around you, which left me bare, no armor to deflect a monsters punch, no shield to protect me from fiery arrows, no walls to stop the rampaging stampede. Alas you left me without any single word.

I walk slowly in the night. I have previously managed to replace all the songs in my player with songs that I know will help me comfort the monster that wanted to leap outside and tear my entirety. With just minutes to spare I felt that fucking emotion, wants to get out. I am filled already with overwhelming anguish, despair and loss, that my heart cannot contain them anymore. I was inches from my door when that warm liquid raced their way down my cheeks to my waiting chest and until they were absorbed by the cotton shirt that will never know their value in my life. With my trembling hand, I tried to open the door with all my might, I stepped hurriedly inside, opened the AC and my limp body suddenly dropped on the bed just like what I have seen numerous times on the teleseryes on Tv and the movies ive watched on the big screen. I thought at first it wasn’t me cryin, that this was somebody else. But when I started to howl in pain, I asked the Lord, “Why me?, Help me Lord!”. I even recall my Inays Old face, whos more deserving of the love that I have given to you. I remember all of the sacrifices ive made just to make you secure and safe, and probably happy too. I thought all along that the howling stranger in my bed was not me and then i had the realization that this is the truth, that was me. those were my tears, my voice was in pain, my memories full of loneliness and my prayers were full of sadness. The MP3 player stuck on my ears, played songs that broke my heart…

Tell me where did I go wrong… what did I do to make you change your mind completely…

And the songs that I knew will unleash the monster never failed me. I saw myself so down, crying my heart out as if there was no tomorrow. I have never cried like this in my whole existence, and it was just because I loved, I trusted and I hoped.

Just like what I constantly hear… Love
Just what I wanted to do… Trust
And what I wanted in life… hope.

I reached my limit, I shouldn’t have stalked him, but not doing so would hinder me the fact that he is alive and well, maybe ill never knew he was doing good though searching for another someone to satisfy his other HUNGER.

But just a single word of assurance on his state, on his wellbeing, will just be enough to contain my tears and he miserably failed to do that. Whatever his reasons, i wanted to hear, while i still am sane.

I have reached out numerous times that night through messages, not mentioning that I have seen him online several times in the past few days including today. I guess its time for me to stop and refocus my life. Its just that this was the third time this happened to me and of all the people to kill me, why him.

I slept with a inflamed eyes, sore throat, and wet pillows

I thought the tears will be forgotten and be gone like the night but after I woke up the day after, I still cried.

I refuse to get hurt anymore, but how can I live in this world when I do not have a purpose anymore, that someone has betrayed me and not only he has taken my heart but my whole life.

Anyway, im not feeling suicidal or anything. When I have refocused my life and had eventually moved on. Lintik lang ang walang ganti. Errr no. I refuse to hate and to be angry. I wish him well, he will never find any person as genuine and precious as me.



Thursday, May 21, 2009

Like A Phoenix's Burning Day

The past week was one of the hardest periods of my life. The feeling is somewhat like a novice mountain climber, afraid of heights, who needs to climb a mountain to get the herb needed to heal himself from the poisonous word that was previously injected directly into his heart. That’s how hard my life have been for the past two weeks. I need to climb to save myself, but im so afraid. A part of me is saying to stay poisoned, this is what life is meant to be.

My mind is telling to forget you, but my heart is saying otherwise. The goddam organ is still hoping, the fact that he has left without a trace of coming back. Will I wait or will I bid goodbye too?

Maybe he has an ironclad reason why he did the things he did. Maybe this is his way to help me get over him. Maybe he needs more attention from people who are whole, people who has higher value or people whom he can gain more, more than I have already given… I am ready to accept those, but to hinder me from knowing his state is breaking my heart over and over again. I who has always wanted the best for him, to be safe and happy… a single word of gratitude or care on the state that I have gone through to save him is all but enough… but to erase me In his life, is indeed the worst moment of this fucking life. He has been online in friendster, has updated his facebook and most probably searching for a hook up or more valuable friends in downelink, while I am here waiting for him to tell me hows his life after ruining mine. But you know what, im glad to know that he is still alive and, well, not only kicking but searching for a mate. Ill just be here waiting…

I will never be angry or will never hate him; my love for him is stronger than those things. I can wait for the right time for him to tell me the things I ought to hear. I do hope it would not be too late. Ill continue to hold on because that is all I wanted, that is how my life might end, and that is how makes my day roll on and on. Without this love for him, I might be crazy or I might be weaker to just accept death as the best option. I think I have done my purpose in life, I have fulfilled a promise, the next step is now in motion, it might be his this time or mine again.

Every waking day without him is like a phoenix’s burning day.


Sunday, May 17, 2009

“Its their loss…”

Its been the longest weeks without you. And every gruesome day is slowly killing me, tearing me piece by piece, limb by limb, breaking my slow thumping heart to tiny little pieces. But what am I to you, just a measly ugly fly on your chardonnay? Or maybe I was just another broken brick on your backyard that can be easily thrown to the lawn and just let the grass outgrow me. Perhaps another stop sign or a blank billboard on your highway. It hurts so much to be this way, miserable in every aspect.

In the coldness of the night, I often ask the stars if I deserve such kind of fate in your hands? I do not deserve this, I have been good to you and to all the people I know, but now I know that this kindness was never meant to be the assurance that I would be free from this fucking hurt that is killing me now. What makes it worse is that, of all the people who can inflict such kind of torture to this poor soul, fate has destined you to be the sadist in an angels’ disguise. If this would be a punishment to crime that I have done or yet to be undertaken, just finish it with a swish and ill be glad to oblige, but please don’t prolong my agony, I do not deserve such treatment. My only defense is that I had loved you so much that it so painful, after all that I have said and done to save you, here you are slowly killing me.

“Its their loss…” you once told me when people that id help slowly disappeared after the help has been granted. Now I humbly ask you not to be the the same as the two persons, who asked my help, when they got what they wanted, they have forgotten the poor old Cloud, miserable and rejected. Please don’t do this.

But since there would never be us, just I or you. Let me build my defenses around me for my soul to remain alive.

Today will be the last day, ill call you.
Today will be the last day ill wait for your messages.
Today will be the last day ill hope that you will return.
Today will be the last day I will breath
Because today you’ve killed me.

I pray to God almighty that you’ll be safe and healthy, happy and alive. Whatever the reason behind your disappearance, I understand and I forgive you. I pray that the one you cherish most have loved you the way you loved him. Ill be contented in every way possible just to see that you have lived and felt what I have always wanted you felt. Today and the days after will be the days you will never find me. I hope im strong enough to resist you.

If ever youll come back, I do hope that my defenses are strong enough to keep you at bay.

I do not deserve to feel this way, again. You do not deserve me.


Now back to regular programming.