Wednesday, December 30, 2009

If You Dont Wanna Love Me

IF YOU DONT WANNA LOVE ME
By James Morrison

-Cloud's 2009 re-imagined in a song


(you have to play the youtube at the right sidebar,
and start scrolling down as James' delivers each blow,
feel the drama, know my story)

When you lower me down


So deep that I, I can't get out


And when youre lost, lost and alone


Yes, youd think it was the last place
Youd come back for more


If you dont want me to leave
Then dont push me away


Youd rather blow out the lights
You can watch it all fade


But Im going nowhere


Im gonna stay


When you just wanna fight


When youre closing your eyes
Cause you dont wanna love me


Im gonna stay


You cant push me too far


Theres no space in my heart
Where I dont wanna love you


And when theres no, no storm


Then how can I feel the calm?


If theres nothing, nothing, nothing left to lose


Then what is this feeling
That keeps on bringing me back to you


So Im gonna stay

When you just wanna fight

And youre closing your eyes
Cause you dont wanna love me

So Im gonna stay, yes I will

You cant push me too far

Theres no space in my heart
Where I dont wanna love you
If you ask me to leave And I walked away

Wed still be alone
And wed still be afraid


Im going nowhere

Im going nowhere

Cause Im gonna stay

When you just wanna fight

And theres tears in your eyes
Cause you dont wanna love me

Im gonna stay

All the tears that ive cried

I could leave them to dry If you dont wanna love me
I could leave them to dry If you dont wanna love me


---

That pretty much sums it all.
To a great 2010 full of love.

---

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Unrequited Love

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms. I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

-Iris Simpkins (Kate Winslet)
From the film The Holiday By Nancy Meyers

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Flick the Lights Goodbye

Have you ever dreamed a dream that feels so true yet after you woke up in the morning youd realize its impossible to happen? The moment you open your eyes, from wet pillows and from the truth the crept from the window to your face, youd only wish that this reality be destroyed and let the darkness of yourself reign, for your dreams to continue- never wanting to wake up again.

There will come a night when no one will dream of me. Only lints of my presence will linger in their innermost thoughts. One day – time, distance and coldness will erase me from your memory, never wanting to remember the great so many things that happened and the lowly bad happenings that transpired between us… Never wanting me to be included in the dreams that visit you at night, never needing my presence that I thought was forever. But I will never erase you from mine, I always look forward to the time I flick the lights goodbye, when the darkness and me are one. The time when my eyes get tired and my thoughts run wild from blissful sleep. For it’s the only place and time I can see and feel your presence. I wanted this to last forever with or without you. If this forever ends one burning day- where dreams cease and wishes, promises and vows are taken for granted, I will stay and will be there hoping for another forever with you to start.

In my dream, I dreamed to build you a monument for me to always adore and cherish you. A physical manifestation of your beauty and impact in my life… but you were not meant to have a monument made of stone nor have a bust adorned by glamorous gems, for in time they will decay and be destroyed- erased from this cruel world. I simply built you a solid room inside my heart, and there you will stay, will be cherished, will be remembered, will be the answer to why I still dream despite all the hurt that the world has inflicted in a poor soul.

You. You will always be my dream, elusive and true. A wish made by my heart in the solitude night. The promise that brings me home. The thought the never fails to linger.

People are made to fall asleep to dream and wake up to a day in order to fulfill the wishes made through the night. Maybe someday dreams as wishes will be granted. Most of the time we had just to wake up and stand up to leave the darkness behind, never wanting to believe that some magic do exist. But one thing will remain true, waking up without you is like sleeping knowing it’s another lonely solitude night.

‘A dream is a wish your heart makes’ - Cinderella

Saturday, December 19, 2009

I LOVE YOU LINES

(a repost, originally posted 13.04.08)
Someone way way back told me with full conviction that when two couples are in the process of getting to know each other and will eventually turn out to be couples, he strongly affirm that the first one who will say I LOVE YOU to the other will be the loser in the end of their relationship if ever it will turn sour or in short, not meant to be… somehow I got this mantra from him and as much as I could, I don’t wanna say those three words if im not sure for I don’t want to lose in the end… who wants to lose anyway…

“eh di I LOVE YOU na…”

I was talking to him on the phone, five months ago and were talking about stars and the crickets of the farm… ive told him this story about two friends who were in love with each other but they were afraid to tell their true feelings for they don’t wanna lose their friendship or their love may not be returned. And then he blurted the three words to me, I am unprepared… I don’t know, I think he don’t trust me… Now were friends.

“I LOVE YOU NGA…”

A very close friend in college, nicknamed TIN, showed so much interest on me to my delight. HE was also a student leader, actually my superior, and i spent good times with him during our term as student leaders… The thing was, he constantly expresses his admiration to me, again to my delight and astonishment. He sometimes hugs me, even though im frail and thin, and I really enjoyed the attention from him, all those laughs and all the nice activities weve done, not on bed of course but on our extra curricular activities in the university… Hes now a regular correspondence a great friend.

“ANO, mahal mo rin ba ako…?”

He first asked me this question and I think I am obliged to answer YES, because of the fact that im in his house, beside him on his bed and barenaked… Though the answer was clear, I was never serious about the answer, lest on our relationship. There was the opening remark but there was never a closure. I was supposed to love him but I didn’t, I was supposed to be supportive but I wasn’t, I was supposed to be a friend but I failed him. And now hes angry at me and demands that I make up with him - yun nga lang he needs- cellphone, or new nike shoes or maybe money… I believe that im generous enough to give him what he wanted, pero i do have brain you know… Still he is waiting for me to make up with him, i cant say if that is longing because of love or just material love. I plan to talk to him on Decemeber to clear things between us.

“I LIKE YOU…”

There is a thin line between the word LIKE and LOVE, same as the fine line between a FRIEND and a LOVER… “Like” is somewhat the bridge that will lead two persons to love. Someone said this line to me and what I said to him was genuinely true: "I LIKE YOU ALSO". I thought we will cross the bridge together, but he is a little impulsive and talks about the end and the hurt whilst, we are not yet crossing the bridge. Now we are still friends, very close and very tight.

“LUV YOU, MWAAH”

Know what, ive learned something new from a friend who oftentimes relates himself to you… “Don’t believe in everything people are telling you…”. Based on my situation with you, he calls it “FOOLS HOPE”. Nevertheless, i do love you and I mean it with all of my heart, love never dies, im sure of it because for six years the flame still is burning, but I have to stand my ground and hold on to my thin rope so that I wont fall deeper on the hole that you are creating. Still im always here for you, like what I am telling to all of my dear friends. It was never a crime to love somebody and not to receive that love back,, or should I say on the form that you expect it to be… its so normal in this world. I know, i know... you might not be the PRINCE for me but i will always be youre KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR...

“…”

Sometimes unspoken words are mightier than those flowery, oftentimes saccharine speeches on love… Just by his touch and his kisses on me I can feel he has finally learned to love me, though suppressed and visionless. I thank him for that. To the number of moments we spent together alone, we never said I LOVE YOU, its not essential in this place, we know very well that we will never be together so why risk and invest too much emotions on a thing that is not really meant to be… Were still missed call buddies, once in a blue moon, the thing is - he now comes to me instead of me coming to his FORTRESS...

---
But if losing is the only way to fit the missing piece of the puzzle... i wanted to lose... in the arms of a person whom ill offer my heart.
Now where the hell are you Shade? im Waiting. I will risk losing if its in your arms- i will fall. Losing will not be bad after all...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Beyond the Night

Beyond the Night
by Cloud

Shard:
Dusk is unfolding, hiding life’s splendor
Darkness engulfs my rainbow colored scepter
Mighty knight ill be, but my voice and sword are weak
And I cannot face the terror looming in
The gloominess of sunless melody

Cloud:
Lifeline cornered, lightless chaos plunders
Nightingale hums, there’s hope in thy endeavor
Close your eyes my dear, embrace the moonless night with me
And you’ll see that there is beauty lying here
No need to fear the darkness' harmony

Shard:
Fortress crumbling, terrorized by lightning
Darkness seems to be as cold as polar icing
Darling cant you see, that im lonely as can be
But I trust that we will both make it through
The sadness of my soul's symphony

Cloud:
Hold me, trust me, absorb my warmest kisses
Reflect your thoughts, so harm will cease his efforts
Let our dreams begin, destroy the nightmare with my hymn
Let my voice surround our bastion, now in dim
To survive a night of cold summer wind

Shard:
Colorless night sky, creeps to the horizon
Flowers fall prey, unwilling to dark sanctum
Its not time to rest, for its our time to test
If the darkness will invade and destroy our bonds
Don’t throw your life just to save my foolish heart

Cloud:
Don’t be silly, the night will leave us unscathed
Just believe, our love will be our stronghold
Lie here with me, and observe the night’s beauty
Filled with diamonds, sparkling, baby can you see?
There’s a falling star, close your eyes and make a wish

Shard:
I Succumb to your undying passion
You are my life, my unending illumination

Cloud:
I’ll love you, all the way
Beyond the night, unto the day
And then again well both have to
Face the dusk again…
As long as im with you
Darkness will subside
As long as im with you
Dreams will survive

(reprise)

(faceless):
I hide in the darkness, just to check if your okay
Beside the willow, i crept and saw you with him
All that i can do, is just stare at your rendezvous
Though it starts to break my heart, i know its hard
Let my love to you be sacrificed...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

To Have and To Hold

Dear Shade,

Have you ever held someone’s hand so tight you don’t wanna let go? That you wished your hands have Rogue’s absorbing power but this time the power is to take away the pain? You see ive held someone’s hand, a very sincere and caring grasp; it was a first for me. Ive never actually held someone so tight, it hurts to be free from that tight grip. I was on a mission to take away the pain, but alas I don’t have the power to do that, I only have the ability to counter the pain away by smiling and joke around him and in turn make him smile too and make him feel im just gonna be around, yes far am I, but still very much present. Lots of things happened, but no feelings have been told. But yet again one thing is for sure, I care, and im willing to hold his hand again, tightly but with utmost sincerity and care, when him and I are together once more - that is, if he still needs me to hold him close.

Lots of love,

Cloud

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Iyong Ulap at Aking Bituin

(likha ni Ulap noong 13.12.07)

Nais kong hakutin
Sanlaksang bituin
Bubuo ng bagong araw
Na magniningning
Sa kulimlim na umaga
Sa nagbabadyang dilim
Bagong silahis ng pag-asa
Na ako ay iyo ring mamahalin

Bagamat likha lamang
Ng aking mga kamay
Sa kinabukasan ay
Ikaw pa rin ang hinihintay
Kahit maubos pa
Ang kanyang luningning
Mananatili pa rin
Nagliliyab na damdamin

Nais kong pigain
Mga ulap sa langit
Mga mapuputing bulak
Magdudulot ng ulang malamig
Magpaparamdam
Ng dalisay na damdamin
Magdidilig sa natuyong pag-ibig
Pati na sa amos ng ating nakaraan
Lulunurin tayo sa kagalakan

Oo ngat panandalian lamang
Ginhawang idinudulot
Ng aking ulan
Mag iiwan pa rin ito
Ng kaaya ayang kinang
Ng busilak na pagmamahalan
Sa kanyang paglipas
Kahit iyong ipagtabuyan
Sasamahan kita
Sabay haharapin ang alon
Matitinding sagupa ng tadhana

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

HATEU: Hold And Tenderly Embrace U

One, Two,

No need to call my phone
Coz I changed my number today
And matter fact I think I'm moving away
Sorry, the frustration's got me feeling that way
And I just keep having
One last thing to say…

Three,

I just wanna
Hold you, Touch you, Feel you, Be near you
I miss you Baby baby baby
I'm tired of tryna fake thru
But there's nothing I can do
Boy I can't wait to HATE U
Hold And Tenderly Embrace U

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

BEB

“Beb ko!!!”

That’s how Nigel used to call me back in college. He was a transferee from La Salle – Dasma, and became my classmate in majority of the subjects during my third year in college. He possesses a very strong personality, a prominent jaw line and compared to my lean body he was chubbier. People can say that we are opposite poles, and i guess they were right. The first time we sat together in the laboratory, we instantly clicked, there aint a spark, though. That’s how our relationship started, as dear friends.

I was then chairman of our departmental student organization. Though Nigel was just a member, he was so eager to help the whole team to organize and plan each and every activity that the organization sponsored. He was with me from the processing of the activity proposal up to the actual events. It makes me smile to remember that once he emceed our sponsored quiz bee, with his call center-like accent, during our “LIFE DAY” festivities. We used to share our meals too and sometimes I and our friends were in their house to hang out, to chill and have some drinks, to the dismay of his strict mother. His father died a few years back due to leukemia.

“Beb one year na tayo magkakilala ah!”

Little busier than normal, we had less time to talk, mingle and share stories , I was graduating that time and was elected in a higher position in the supreme student council. We barely met each other really. I urged him to run for chairmanship on our departmental organization and he did run but unfortunately he failed to topple Miguel, our classmate. I was guilty because I never did my part to campaign for Nigel, worst I never voted for him for Miguel was also a dear friend, thus ive written on the slot for President a long line indicating I will not vote for anyone. I confessed this to him and it might be the reason why we slowly fell apart. I was never a good friend, to him or to anybody in particular.

We bumped into each other one time in a rainy day of July. He no longer calls me “BEB”. I really didn’t care anyway. He will just be another person in the world, someone who will come and go. We talked a little, about his new classmates, about home, about life. And then I distinctly saw some black-bluish bruises in his arms. I asked about that and he just simply pulled down the sleeves of his polo to hide them. I never cared about the bruises, I never cared for a friend who might needed more time from me, a tighter hug, a firmer handshake… I was so full of myself, I never really cared on how he cared and helped me before, how he appreciated me in his life, maybe how I became an element in a chamber of his heart. My line of thinking was straight, study to graduate with honors, be a student leader as additional merit on the resume, leave all extra baggage’s, no strings should be attached to anyone..

“Beb Promise?”

After a few weeks or so Nigel was diagnosed with leukemia, he inherited the cancer from his father. He was confined in St. Lukes Hospital, blood transfusions after blood transfusions were done. All the newest medical practices were applied to cure him. They were rich, and I put that to myself that he can survive with all these medical advances. We had the same blood type “AB”. Somehow I knew he needed me, I knew he needed me beside him. I promised to help him through this, but I failed. I didn’t even had the TIME to visit him in the hospital. I didn’t even bothered to go there to give my blood to him. The only thing that I can give him, a vital chance for him to survive. I was so selfish.

---

“I’ll wait for you…”

A long night. I approached his casket looking at his pale face. He looks so serene and at peace, if not only for the glass and the wood separating us, I could have guessed that he was just sleeping. Ansakit sakit, the worst way to miss someone is to be beside them knowing that theyll never say i love you too when you say that you love them, not return your hug when you hug them so tight, not smiling back when you crack a joke for their day to become brighter. i felt that when i sat beside his coffin... what monster have i become?

I and few classmates decided to stay the whole stretch of the evening at the wake, to show how much we love Nigel. Funny and clichéd as it seems that only by death and losing someone or something that we finally know their true value in our life. Her mom recounted the sufferings that Nigel has gone through, as I ask myself how many times has she done the retelling, I can tell how much painful it was to see her son in pain and the reality that she cant do nothing to erase and alleviate the pain. “He waited for you in the hospital…” were the words that she said to end her story as her eyes rested on me.

It stroked me deepest because I am the one closest to him and I let him down, he didn’t even had his last wish granted to see me and our friends in his last days in this life, how evil have I become, and how I hated myself to have done such atrocity. A simple gesture to someone dear, I cannot give. I was there in the church as his mom cried through his Eulogy. I was near the porch of the church not wanting to go near him, for I was ashamed of myself. I just bowed my head in prayer for his soul, it pains me to be a failure to a person who needs me and my presence in the last moments of his life. I was at the tail of the procession with some friends who also deeply grieved his passing. I was almost the last one who left the cemetery. Just to whispher to him…

“Im sorry, im so sorry wala ako sa tabi mo noong kailangan mo ng kaibigan. Im sorry sana mapatawad mo ako…” I saw her mom smile and I bid goodbye. I turned my back, away from his earthly tomb, but I will never ever forget him. My Beb, My Dear Friend.

---

Redemption

Nigel changed me to become a better person. To care more about people whom I love, to give a helping hand to those in dire need of it, and to be humble in everything I do., to smile more often... He was one of the reason I seldom say promises, and if I do and say it, I will grant the promise in the best of my abilities, no matter what.

Nigel’s memory haunted me until Raoul came. Somehow ive felt that God has given me another chance to redeem myself from what I have done to a friend and thus I tried to become a friend, the truest one- the one who never leaves someone’s side, who understands, the patient and thoughtful one, the one who loves dearly and can give the BLOOD needed for one to survive… Though hindered by my evolved feelings for Raoul, I never left him, never a day that I abandoned him… I try to say to myself.

Maybe I was redeemed, maybe not.

---

Nigel wherever you are, im so sorry I left you, i miss you so much.

Raoul wherever you are, im so sorry if I failed you, but I never left you, never…

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

FIRST TIME MO?

My first ever semi-mahalay post. A simple look kung sino ba si Prince Cloud sa totoong buhay.

---

Firsts.

First Crush or First boy na pinagpantasyahan?

Classmate ko noong high school. JJ ang pangalan. Maputi, magaling maggitara, maganda kumanta, gwapo, tahimik, maganda magsmile, heartthrob. Nakasave pa rin number nya sa akin. Kaso hindi mahilig mag Facebook o kaya friendster. Crush ko pa rin sya till now. Hehe. Kapit tuko ako when it comes sa pag-ibig eh. Isa pang hehe. He might be the reason why letter “J” was my most favorite letter in the alphabet. Last I know single pa rin sya according sa aming classmates. Hinihintay siguro ako, ching!.

First Love?

Unrequited love to Sonny for more than 5 years yata. Siya ang aking sinisisi dahil naging pihikan ako sa pagpili ng mamahalin. hehehe. Ilang beses na rin kaming magkatabi sa pagtulog pero I never initiated something sexual sa kanya pag magkatabi kami, ganun ko sya nirerespeto, at hindi sex ang habol ko. Hanggang titig lang ako sa maamo nyang mukha, habang nahihimbing sya. We met in the year 2002, became friends, I fell in love, then I went abroad, then I fell in love (unrequited) with another person extremely opposite to him. The catch is naikama ko rin naman si Sonny after 6 years namin magkakilala and he was married na that time. Haha. Im such a certified kabet, that would be the first and the last. Pambayad utang nya yata yun, ching.

First Time you save someones life?

Bata pa ako noon. siguro nasa grade 1. naglalaro ako dahil weekend eh. Tapos me narinig ako na umiiyak. hinanap ko ang umiiyak. malapit sa bangin ang bahay kubo namin. pagdungaw ko sa bangin nakita ko ang cute kong bunsong kapatid na andoon sa may bangin na malalim, nagkataon during that time sabi ng tatay madami daw bayawak doon eh, so takbo ako sa lola ko at ayun nailigtas namin si utol ko. Hindi ko lang matandaan kung ako ang nagbabantay sa kanya. Dahil doon kaya love na love ko si totoy.

First experience sa sex?

I was very very young, between 5 to 7 years old. Yung pinsan ko na papagaling na ang pagkakatuli sa kanya, isinama ako sa kwarto at nagsimulang paglaruan nya ang sarili. “Ano yan kuya?” tanong ko habang lumalaki ang kanyang junior. “Dedehin mo yan” sabi nya. “Yoko nga kuya.” Giit ko. Nung nag cum na sya, syempre mausisa ako, bata eh. Tinanong ko kung ano yung lumabas. “Gatas yan Cloud!” sambit nya. “Ahhhh” sagot ko. After nun yata hanggang highschool malimit akong kinukulit ng kuya.

First Kiss?

With my cousin sa maternal side. High school na yata ako noon. Sa kanya ako natuto ng torrid kiss at French kiss. Lols.

First boyfriend?

Next question please. Lols.

First heartbreak?

When someone left. I hope that would be the first and the last heartbreak. Ang sakit kaya.


First and Last.

First (and last) Girlfriend?

Ewan ko ba bakit meron din naman natatanga sa aking mga babae. Si Pea Princess na hinaharana ko dati, na hinihintay ang aking pag uwi, si Ponyang na katarato ko na pakakasalan ko pagsapit nya ng 26 pag wala pa ako GF o pag wala pa siya asawa. I confess na medyo malambot ako at dapat naman nahahalata yun nila. At hindi ko naman mapaniwalaan eh me mga nagkakacrush daw sa akin, weh sa pangit ko namang ito, sino binola nila?. Nagtry ako manligaw. Ang naging biktima ng aking laro ay si Regine. Kinakantahan ko sya, binibigyan ng tsokolate at rosas at sinasabayan paguwi. Ilang linggo ang lumipas, nagkataong Baleyntayns Dey. Sinagot nya ako. Makalipas ang ilang buwan ako na rin nakipagkalas. Takenote sa simbahan namin pinutol ang aming ugnayan. Last I heard nag-asawa na raw sya.

First (and last) time you wore a DRESS?

I was on kinder nang mapagkatuwaan akong bihisan ng pambabae at muk-apan ng mga kapatid na MATON ng tatay ko. Me picture pa nga ako noon na may hawak na Barbie doll. Galit na galit ang Inay ko pagdating nya galing sa trabaho.

First (and last) time you almost died?

Sakitin ako nung bata. Inaalagaan ako ng lola ko dahil me lagnat ako. Ang Inay naglalaba. Tumaas bigla ang aking lagnat at nagkuntodo suka ako. I ended up sa hospital. Tumitirik na daw kasi mata ko. Tapos kuntodo suka. tanda ko noon sobrang iyak ang inay. nung nagkamalay ako tanong ng tatay "ano gusto mo kainin?" sabi ko "fried chicken tatay!". Thank you Lord kasi andito pa po ako.

First (and last) suicide attempt?

I was young. Ewan ko kung ano ang nagtulak sa akin na gawin iyon. Magkaaway kami ng Inay. Hindi ko matandaan kung tungkol saan basta masamang masama ang loob ko noon na para bagang puputok ang puso ko. Takbo ako sa banggerahan at nakakita ng matulis na bagay, ang TINIDOR! Lols. Naalaman siguro ni inay ang aking gagawin kaya habol sya sa akin, kinuha ang tinidor at pinalo ako sa pwet ng napakainam.

First (and last) sex at the movies?

Kasama ko si Gio, Opismeyt ko dati. Pelikula ni Ashton kutcher yun. Hindi ko na lang matandaan kung ano ang title, kasi naman hindi iyon ang ipinunta namin doon. Lols. Sa madaling salita kakaunti ang tao sa sinehan at madilim, kuntodo hawakan pero asiwa kasi sa loob, nauwi na lang sa CR ang movie date. Go figure out.

First (and last) sex with a total stranger?

Hindi ako basta basta nakikipagsex. Andami ko kasi insecurities. Lols. Dapat kilala ko muna ang aking makakasex personally. O yung matagal ko nang kakilala o kaya ay nakikita ko na malimit though hindi ko pa nakakausap pwede narin. Pero sinubukan ko one time, na makipagsex sa hindi ko kakilala. College na ako noon at practicum time, Nakatira ako sa Cainta at nanonood ng isang channel ng TV na merong CHAT sa tabi habang may music Video na pinapalabas sa katabi. Samakatuwid namili ako ng number doon. Tinawagan ko ang landline at nakipagpalitan ng celphone number, nakipagphone sex pa yata ang loko noon. Kinabukasan nasa katipunan ako, katabi na sya. Atenista siya. Nalimutan ko na name nya pero ang name ko na ginamit ko sa kanya ay Prince BENEDICT. Lols. After that good boy na ako ulet.

First (and last) sex outdoor?

Sa isang abandonadong trak sa gitna ng malaking loteng malapit sa highway. Mga alas otso ng gabi. Maalikabok.


Almost the First

(Almost the) First time you went to a motel?

Kaming dalawa ni Cold Cofee Knight. Sige hintay ako dyan sa may mercury drug, pinabili ng paraphernalia’s habang sya ay naghihintay na may mabakanteng kwarto jan sa SOGO sa Cubao. Buti na lang sobrang dami ng naka booking at hindi natuloy ang aming pagpunta sa motel. Iniuwi nya ako sa boarding house nya pero wala ding nangyari, sobrang napagod kaya ako no weh madaling araw nayun. Na badtrip ang loko at nagdemonyo. Yun na ang huling beses siguro na makikipagkita ako sa kanya.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Ang Lalaki sa Bintana

Nakadungaw ako sa bintana. Matagal, sobrang tagal kong nakaabang at nakahalungbaba iniisip na sana man lang sumilip ka doon. Kahit hindi sa direksyon ko ikaw tumingin, basta makita ko lamang ang iyong mukha, masaya na ako. Ilang saglit pa may isang batang sumama sa akin sa pag-aabang. Maamo ang kanyang mukha, nakangiti at nakasuot ng puti. Siguro naawa siya na ako lamang mag-isa ang naghihintay sa iyong pagsilip kaya sinamahan nya ako.

Nginitian ko ang bata at tinanong.

“Nasaan na ang kuya mo?”

Ngumiti ang batang lalaki sa akin. Maamong ngiti na nakakagaan ng loob.

“Hindi na po kami dyan nakatira eh. Lumipat na kami.” Malambing na sagot ng bata.

Napabuntong hininga ako ngunit hindi ko ipinahalata sa batang paslit ang aking lungkot na nararamdaman. Wala rin palang patutunguhan ang aking paghihintay. Kahit naman ilang araw, linggo, buwan o taon ang aking pinaghihintay doon, wala rin naman pala akong makikitang dudungaw. Wala. Tumayo ako at iniwan ang bata sa may bintana.

Papalakad ako papuntang kusina nang may mapansin akong nakamasid sa akin sa kabilang kwarto. Nagtatago siya at pilit na hindi ipinapakita ang kanyang buong sarili sa akin. Ngunit sa amoy at pigura pa lamang, kahit ilang segundo at pahapyaw pa lamang ang aking pagkakakita sa kanya kilala ko na kaagad kung sino ang taong yun. Malamang naalaman na ng lalaking nabisto ko na ang kanyang pagtatago at siyay lumabas na sa kwartong pinagtataguan, ako namay papalakad na lumapit sa kanya habang siyay natigilan sa kanyang pagkakatayo. Ang aking lalaking hinihintay pala ay doon na nakatira sa aking bahay, hindi niya iyon ipinaalam sa akin. Nakangiti ako habang lumalapit sa kanya. Ganoon ko kasaulado ang kanyang mukha at perpektong iyon pa din ang aking nakikita hanggang sa ngayon. Niyakap ko siya ng sobrang higpit na akala mo ay iyon na ang huling yakap na maibibigay ko. Mahigpit na mahigpit.

At nagising ako, umiiyak..

Monday, October 5, 2009

My Dear Shade,

Dear Shade,

i was planning not to talk to you or write you, but i cant resist the urge of coming back to your humble abode. It seems that this dark and lonely place has been an integral part of my system already, just like what the the laughing "phoenix" has done to my soul and of course the heartwrenching "fortress' that has crumbled to the ground and turned to dust. It seems in you i have found the inner peace i have been looking for, and i thank you for that.

You ask how am i doin? Im doin quite well, not the same as the one that you used to talk to. of course. I miss my old self too, the one that smiles because he is happy and not smiling because he wants to be happy. Yes, I can say that im stronger and tougher now but in reality i think i have a long long way to go, im only human i guess. But i try to be better in everything that i do, as always have been.

I need to tell you something. I am so much afraid of losing. Afraid of losing loved ones. ive never felt such kind of feelings before but even the mere though of death has always hit me in my deepest core. I hate it when i cry when i watch someone dying on movies. I ussually skip those parts. It is breaking my heart whenever i hear or see someone leaving somebody behind. Thats why i try to be nice now to people, to be more open minded, so that nobody will leave me abruptly and if they do, though its really hard to accept this, ill make sure ive said how much i love and miss them.

I was packing my things yesterday. A lot of these and a little of that. All for my loved ones, family and friends, a sign of how much i appreciate them in my life. I wish i could give them more, they deserve more, they deserve the best. By the way the company approved my yearly bonus today, but i wasnt happy really. Somehow money cant bring me happiness anymore. That word has caused a lot of trouble, yes it can sustain life but can it revive life too? It can make someone closer to you, but can it save a friendship - lost behind the lies and unspoken tears? i guess not. Looking on a bright side, it was a sign, an opportunity to spread my blessings from the Lord.

I was searching for you for the longest time, and i guess in time we will see each other. Someone has whispered to me that i am not yet ready, and i think hes right. If we are not meant to meet each other i can live with that. But i assure you i will wait and search for you with thoughts that you also will wait and search for me.

I might be searching in the wrong avenue, while you were waiting for me in the other end of the street. The world is unfair really but i know it is also bueatiful, who knows we might be the two fellows who will pick up the same wild red rose at the park one silly evening.

Yours,

Cloud

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

[Epilogue] The September Song

[Prologue] THE FRIENDSHIP CODE
[i] ANOTHER SKIPPED MEAL
[ii] DANIEL’s LICENCE
[iii] First Come, First Served
[iv] FAST FOOD CHAIN
[v] THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD
[vi] COLD COFFEE (k)NIGHT
[vii] COLD COFFEE (k)NIGHT - Epilogue
[viii] BLUE RIVER: Entre'Acte
[ix] BLUE RIVER: A Sad Hue of Blue
[x] NO GOODBYE's


---

[Epilogue] The September Song

Nature knows how to love
like lovers in a dance
Lifes a party, never stops
and wait for those who are sad

It was my first serene night after what has happened in the old pages of this life’s history. At last I have learned to let go, I really don’t know what has happened or what I have gained but at least im not troubled anymore. There comes a time that I encounter his name and I feel a little jolt in some bloody muscle inside, but It’s a strange sound now, not musically relevant nor an orchestral symbolism of something grand. The world indeed cant stop for someone who is sad and broken, it would continue to revolve around its axis never minding people who definitely will be left behind.

I woke up remembering the previous night, the night I burned the letters, deleted the messages, threw memento’s and cut all the strings attaching me with someone.

Grains of feeling scattered
all over the haunted bridge
Street filled with fools,
like distant thunders
Striking our hearts at glance

It wasn’t easy, picking up the feelings scattered in the floor. Its like picking a million tears, not wanting to be part of you again and you just ended up, mopping the floor dry, not wanting to slip down and hurt your ass. But you'd wish it would happen. I used to wish it would have been that easy. Its easier to be beaten up, every inch of the human flesh than to be in pain in that particular small part of the body.

I woke up a different person now. Shaved, clean, unbiased. Bruised, jaded, burned out no more. Looking at the mirror, I still have my self and that’s all that might matter in this life. Im my own hero after all. All the others left are strangers ready to strike a pose in someones life.

The August night melts
like the stars are clouded by mist
You seem so close like September’s grin
then cry all over again

Time flies so fast. It seems eternity that we parted from each other. You never said goodbye- when I said ill see you soon. You never said you cared – when I said I need you. You said nothings gonna be the same again – when I finally blurted out how much I have been through because of you. Those were your weapons that broke my fortress. I never really wanted anything that can harm someone nor making my stronghold strong. I really never really cared about myself. It seems im at the moment they call 'my Another Now'. A Now without you, A Now that only has me in it. The August is so far away, you were my September, and its ends tomorrow morning with a grin. You used to be the road that leads me home, now that road is blocked. I ve learned an alternate route, an alleyway without you.

Then I held your hand
upon my empty hearted chest
I saw you as the smoke ascends
need to forgive, ill never regret

On my way to our meeting place, by choice I passed by your apartment. I did what I could to reach out to you previously, I know you know that I never abandoned you. But you never budged…

And then there you were, at last i saw your smiles. Andrew welcomed you back in his life. May be that was one of the reasons… Maybe you really don’t need someone like me anymore. I was like what you call people who's just pestering you around, an IPIS of sorts. you've fought a tough battle and I was glad you were smiling, im not sure if youre victorious, you never gave me the chance to know the real story.
I forgive you, maybe in time ill learn how to forget too.

For the last time, below the shade of the clouded sun I whispered my goodbye.

The plane awaits for me to board,
counted reasons- one to nine
To leave this place,
beneath the sand lies gold,
can you be mine?

Ive flown my way towards the meeting place. I know now. Ive learned now.

I know now that life maybe unfair but its still beautiful and to finally realize its beauty is one of the reason we continue to live.

Ive learned now the reason why people kept on loving even though it almost always end up breaking our hearts. Because not loving at all is killing our opportunity to enjoy the reason and purpose that God has given us. We were created because of love, and thus we should live by it, full of love. Not loving is like not living this life at all.

Ride the clouds, over uneven hills
like a baby on a coaster ride
Just whisper, the echo and the wind
will deliver the unsung surprise

I started to smile. I was riding the clouds once again. No strings attached anymore. Free though unloved by someone but full of it nonetheless. I understand now, wherever my feet will take me, ill never be alone. I know someones waiting for me to come back.

I arrived at the meeting place. The place my mom told me about last night. She told me that Someone wanted to meet me here. I was surprised that someone turned out to be someheavenly troupe. I wasn’t alone after all. Though ive lost someone I hold dear, I still have more important angels that will never leave me. mom was there all smiles, Daniel and Karen, dearest to my heart were there. Brian and Brix-full of love, was shouting my name. Jake and Janus, was waving their hands in glee. JR, my crush was there too, showing off his sparkly teeth.

“Hello!” my heart whisphered.

And so a tale of love and loss ends, to start a new life worth living and worth reminiscing.

I am like your dying month of August
And you are my September Song
Unspoken words, like wet candles, wont burn again
Cant be reborn like the October monsoon...


[the end]

Saturday, September 26, 2009

[x] NO GOODBYES

The cold metal arms of the silver chair made my hair go straight up as I sit on it, the cold air coming from the AC is to be blamed on this. Im not alone inside the coffee shop there are a clique composed of a boy and two of his GFF’s on my right side and presumably a sweet couple of PLU’s on my back. Im definitely alone, well technically I am, but the fluffy STUFF inside the colorful package on top of the table was my lone friend there. Its already dark and getting late, though I haven’t noticed the time because im enjoyin watching people passing by in front of my table, but when stores – other than the coffee shop where I was seated- started to close their lights, a sign that it was really late, I started to get annoyed… still I was patient enough to wait and sit there, to wait for him.

I noticed that the security personnel constantly checks the people around the coffee shop, which by the way is a good thing, I noticed that in the long hours- probably 3, I havent bought anything, which maybe makes me look suspicious, so I stood up, grabbed my colorful paperbag, and went to the counter to order a hot chocolate drink… to my annoyance, the taste was not at all good – for I worked previously in a chocolate company, so I can really tell, anyhow, I don’t wanna waste my money I tried to drink it all up while waiting…

“15 minutes and im already there…”

This was his message the previous hour, im not complaining at all, it was me on the first place that wanted to meet him, and his place is so far away from the place we would meet so I guess I have no reason to be annoyed.

So there was I seated again on the cold metal piece under a useless umbrella’d table, the colorful paperbag on top of table, me staring at people’s faces as they walk past…

Then there he was, walking towards me, he still wears the same exact face and has the same exact body that made my smile so wide… It was so swift, all of a sudden that smile faded, he was with somebody else, he was with his ex boyfriend, they look so good together. They weren’t holding hands coz Shawn was holding a Fila Box and Andrew was just as eagerly on his side… though they were far away from me, I saw how they disappeared underground using an elevator.

Ouch, I said to my self, I hesistated to call him, I don’t wanna spoil what good chance Shawn has- to gain Andrews trust. This was the chance Shawn was waiting for to prove how much he loves Andrew and im not gonna spoil that, never, eventhough this feeling can kill me, still im Shawns bestfriend, a friend who loves him dearly… I suddenly noticed that warm tears are starting to well up on my brown eyes and the clique in front of me was noticing my changed behavior so I twisted my position and secretly wiped the pain away from my eyes… still I waited for him, I already waited for hours and it wont hurt to face a friend who always wanted me to be happy… Do I have to wear a mask in front of him, is this going to be a masquerade?

The bittersweetness of the hot chocolate started to sink in to me, but still the love that I feel inside will always overwhelm that annoying feeling of repulsion and rejection. I waited for them to burst out of the elevator door at any moment, smiling and looking happy, but no Shawn or Andrew came out…

Then all of a sudden from my back Shawn was there smiling, though a little haggard, wearing his white tees and worn out jeans, greeting me A good February night. I was a lil shocked because I never expected him to come from my back…

“I could swear that I saw you going down that elevator holding a Fila shoe box and guess whos with you? Andrew!”

“Talaga?! Its impossible, I came from the MRT station, and I was late, im sorry, nakatulog ulet ako… impossible… but it’s a good sign, sana magdilang anghel ka Prince!”

Ouch

“The truth is I really saw my Ex, I mean my other Ex boyfriend on the MRT, James, he still looks gorgeous of course, and he gave me this calling card, small world eh, Here take a look…”

Another ouch.

“Kaso ayoko na makipagclose dyan, baka ma inlove ako ulet, but still I do hope the vision that you saw will come to pass, hopin hopin hopin for the best…”

The third ouch…

---

“It seems im the only one who's very slow. Nalalampasan na ako sa kabagalan ko. Time goes by so quickly. Its been three years, look at us still friends. Do you still remember how we met?” I told him sincerely tryng to reminisce our humble beginnings.

“Syempre naman. Anukaba. Funny, this exact place was the same place that you and I first shook hands. It was supposed to be a meet up between me and Aries, pero Aries brought you as his chaperone, nakakatuwa ka that time, napakaedgy mo. haha” Shawn’s eyes was mesmerized by the sudden realization.

“OP kaya ako no, its just so sad that you and Aries fell out as friends. Type na type ka kasi nun, kaso sorry sya inlove na inlove ka pa nun kay Andrew.” Though I ended my statement with a smile I cant help but notice how Andrews name still makes Shawn pinch as if I it hurts deep inside.

“Sige nga itest kita kung natatandaan mo pa… hmmm. Teka Shawn October 25, 2007? Anong nangyari that time?” I asked him while smiling.

“Loko ka of course natatandaan ko yun ano. That’s the first time nga na nagmeet tayo dito mismo!”

“Good! Ok. Hmmm. March 24, 2008.?

“Syempre birthday mo! Kala mo maloloko moko ano?” Maybe he wont forget my birthday anyway.

“Ok sige eto, December 15, 2008? Ano nangyari noon?” I grinned I know he knows this one, it just happened recently.

“It was a special day, interview day ko yun sa may Cubao. You made it special too. Nilibre mo ako sa gateway eventhough i was supposed to be the one who will treat you. Thank you so much Prince.”

“Achochocho, youre so madrama! In fairness magaling pa ang memory cells mo ha, to think matanda ka na. Eto last na talaga. September 22, 2008?”

He fell silent. His eyes wandered around the coffee shop trying to figure out what exactly happened on that day. After a few minutes, after numerous oxygen he inhaled, and after a few frustrated smiles. He gave up. “Sirit na nga, hindi ko maalala eh, What happened ba last September 22, 2008?”

“Hindi mo talaga maaalala Shawn kasi it was the day that I realized im in love with a friend, im in love with you… and I know you know it…”

Silence.

---

As we walked down the road, he stretched his arms around me and rested on my shoulder. It was the first time he did that while we were walking. It felt good.

"Tandaan mo whatever happens hindi kita iiwan, malayo man tayo sa isat isa, our FRIENDSHIP will survive. Kahit kailan hindi ako magsisinungaling saiyo. We will survive any onslaught sa friendship natin." He ended his statement with a smile.

I invited him for a late night dinner at KFC and talked about everything under the pale moonlight including how I felt for him and his passive response which I could understand, I have to try to understand… While he was talking, I took time to study and memorize every lines of his face, every curve of his muscles and the dimples that accessorize his face. My spirits are lifted whenever im with him that erases all hurt and sorrows in life, I hope he knows how therapeutic his presence means to me…

As the moon rises to the blackened sky, its already time to be separated, he turned his back away from me, just for me to run after him and holler.

“Hey Shawn you forgot this…” me lifting the colorful package and handed it to him…

“Thanks, whats this?

"Lets just say, hes a little kindness in the night." I smiled

"you take care ok?.” I looked at him directly in the eyes

"You too... my friend." He smiled, a little kindness in the night.

I turned my back- no I love yous, no hugs, no kisses, no goodbyes, only déjà vus.

As I was walking away from him, I held out an envelope containing my passport and a one way ticket to a very far away place. A place where letting go and moving on can be found.

---

Why can't we love two persons at the same time? It is the same reason as to why we can't wear two different shoes at the same - Shawn

---

One last post and the "SEPTEMBER SONG" ends.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

[ix] BLUE RIVER: The Sad Hue of Blue

I was my own hero maybe. Shawn definitely wasn’t one or more appropriately not my hero. The scenes that I have been through yesterday didn’t gave me the opportunity to sleep. I did not cry a single tear the moment the devastation came. The monster that I have inside might not be the winner after all, but I can feel his hunger and the strength to be released.

It was all part of my history already, to be used, abused and to be the dumb ass. I permitted them to slay me naked, and im not complaining. I just envisioned that when the time comes that I will rise up, someone will held my hand and say, “you did great you asshole, come here and feel my love”. Alas it might never come.

I stood up, ran away from my fortress, never wanting my mother to see me dying.

---

“He did that to you? Believe me, may mas malala pa dyan sa taong yan!”

It was one of Shawns txt messages to my “I need your help” moment in the morning. But alas he never extended an eager hand to comfort me in this phoenix’s burning day. It was those moments that you were sure that a friend will let you borrow his lifeline to support yours for you have exhausted all the lifelines you have to save him, but pity he never really understood what it meant, thus never realizing that slowly you of all people was alone after all. In the deepest vowels of my heart, its painful to accept that the message was a self inflicted revelation that indeed he is worse than the Cold Coffee Knight.

“Please come here at Glorrietta… I need you. Thank you.”

I spent the whole morning at the mall. Checking out the faces of people passing by my spot. I missed this sport. Though I have a bad memory, I cant even recall actual facial features. But I do recall their smiles, how they light up when a child points out that they wanted that pretty doll. I remember how their dimple shows up when the person walking in their side reaches for their other hand. I recollect how others are so serious with life that they don’t even notice that a poor soul in this lonely place in the mall is breaking apart. But what the heck am I talking about, it doesn’t really matter anyhow, the world wont stop for a single broken soul, in fact there are bigger things to be busy with.

“There you are, ive been looking all over for you, andito ka lang pala. Common lets have an ice cream, taralets!” He took my hand and helped me stand up and guided my way towards the nearest ice cream parlor. He was not a knight in shining armor, nor the prince who will save the damsel in distress, though I used to wish he was…

But most important of all He was a friend, and will always be.

---


We ended at Yellow Cab, lunching over spaghetti & meatballs and Charlie Chan, nostalgic; those were also on out table when me, Daniel, Karen and Shawn first met each other, years ago.

“Daniel isosoli ko na ito sa iyo, I think I wont need this anymore, thank you very much andami mo na nagawa sa akin.” I handed the white small envelope containing ‘DANIEL’s LICENCE’.

“Anukaba, sa iyo yan!” He pushed the envelope back to me, and that started it.

As busy shoppers pass my back, they didn’t noticed that I was crying a river, bbut I was mindful of the tears I cried, I might drown the person who will save me, Daniel.

I recounted the painful yesterdays. It was indeed Angelo who opened my eyes to who I have become just to be loved by a significant another. Though I have always thought it was unconditional, it wasn’t after all. I was being selfish to everybody especially to the one I owe so much, myself.

What pains the soul wasn’t the cold coffee night nor the busy fast food chain yesterday but the fact that the battle was yet from over and im already losing it. I have sacrificed so much and still I feel empty and underappreciated.

“Believe me Dan I did begged myself to stop this foolishness…” and those times when my brain was at bay and my feet chained, my heart worked wonders that I have never ever thought it was capable of doing. Though the nervous system sends pain signals to the brain and was excruciatingly difficult to handle, the heart has countered all of that and I was happy, beyond all the doubts and fear that I have collected, all but love and trust reigned in me. I was saving him in the expense of my soul, I do hope I have saved his world, I can only do much but beyond that I am nothing. The mountain that I have lifted left a steep ravine for me to fall into.

The spicy afternoon at Yellow Cab turned to a sad hue of Blue, accompanied by a river of tears, the bridge yet to be built.

---

Daniel was so patient, he listened to me and lend me his hanky. That might be the day he will never forget and the day that I try not to remember. He showed me how to start picking up the pieces of what has been broken along the way. On the way to the not so far Star Bucks where we walked below tall buildings reminiscing our not so young friendship, now tighter and stronger than ever before. He stretched his strong arms and extended it on my shoulder.

“Do you remember what I promised you a year ago?” Daniel asked.

“Whats that I don’t think I recall it? I do hope its not illegal?” I smiled.

I promised you this.

And as the sun was spreading his last rays on the horizon, in the secluded and comfortable place near a vacant lot where no cars or people are visible the heavens saw how Daniel kissed Prince, and after the brouhaha, I knew that one person will never leave me.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

[viii] BLUE RIVER: Entr'Acte

“Sampalin mo nga ako, please, para magising na ako…” I requested Karen, early in the morning as we were eating our early breakfast at Jollibee. The meet up was scheduled but the fact that I haven’t got any sleep and asking her to wake me up with a fierce slap on the face was simply farce.

---

Dear Daniel,

Sa totoong buhay, nagalak ako sa lahat ng points na inilatag mo sa akin. Ewan ko ba paulit ulit kong binasa yung sulat mo pero para paring may nakabaong tinik sa puso ko, sabi nga the truth hurts eh. Bilang sagot sa lahat ng iyong mga sinabi narito ang aking mga nararamdaman sa mga panahong ito.

Masakit ang 3 magkakakambal na sampal ni KAREN, sa gitna ng EDSA sa ibabaw ng Ilog PASIG, totoo yon, pero hindi noon natinag ang paninindigan ko, hanggang ngayon din naman ay ganoon. Ang mas masakit lamang ay naghiwalay kami na pasa ang nasa pagmumukha ko, doon siguro papasok na mas malakas ang magagawa ng isang mahigpit na yakap kesa sa napakalalakas na sampal. Nakaraan na iyon, lumipas na kumbaga, napatawad ko na rin siya.

Noong sinabihan niya ako na selfish at kasindumi ng ilog pasig , well nagalit ako sa kanya talaga, pero tinawanan ko lang naman, as usual. Hindi niya siguro pa alam kung saan ako nanggaling at kung ano ang mga pinaggagagawa ko sa buhay ko bago siya dumating sa buhay ko. Alam mo yung buong buhay ko simula pagkabata ko ay ang inatupag ko lamang ay ang mapasaya ang mga magulang ko. At ang dahilan kung bakit ako nandito ay dahil din sa kanila, andami kong naiwan sa buhay ko... para lamang mapaunlad ang buhay namin, especially maibigay sa mga magulang ko ang kaginhawaan, Sa tulong ng Maykapal, natutupad ko naman iyon… kaya napakasakit na tawagin akong ganun sa kabila ng lahat ng aking sakripisyo sa buhay. Pero ok lang naman yun, opinion yun at hindi ko hawak ang kanyang isip. Nasabi ko lang sayo yung sintemyento ko kasi nabanggit mo eh, pero ok na kami ulet ni Nena Karen.

Siguro mas Hot Topic dito si SHAWN sa buhay ko, the fact na mahal na mahal ko itong tao na ito at malaki ang bahagi nya sa puso ko, yun eh AS OF NOW…

I had to agree na hindi nya ako ever gusto bilang kasintahan, isang napakasakit na katotohanan, na tanggap ko na naman. Ilang beses ko na rin yang iniyakan, saksi ka doon kaso hindi naman talaga naipipilit ang pag ibig diba...

Malaki ang pasasalamat ko sa kanya, kasi alam mo napatunayan ko sa sarili ko na ganoon pala ako katindi, na magagawa ko ang mga bagay na ganon sa isang taong hindi ko kaano ano...

Tama ka Dan, naging prority ko si Shawn last time , siguro umabot pa sa point na mas inuuna ko sya sa sarili ko pero never sa pamilya ko. Pero maniwala ka, noong panahon narealize ko na mahal ko na siya, sinasabihan ko na sya kagad sa nararamdaman ko at ayaw ko na nga siyang tulungan kasi the more nga na kinakailangan niya ako, the more nahuhulog ako, pero hindi natin dapat sisihin siya sa mga bagay bagay kasi nga biktima sya ng hirap ng buhay…

Napakasaya ko pag natutulungan ko sya, kung yon ang paraan para sumaya siya, gagawin ko DAN, siguro sa ibang parte ng pagkatao ko, paraan yon para mabili ang pag – ibig nya. Natatakot na rin sya sa para sa akin… pero para sa akin wala iyon, gayon nga yata pag nagmamahal.

Wag kang mag-alala, naiintindihan ko si Shawn, pero ako hindi niya siguro naiintindihan. Sa totoong buhay DAN, kaya kong ibigay lahat kay Shawn, pero bakit ko nga ba ibibigay ang lahat sa isang tao kung hindi naman fully naappreciate ang aking ginagawa, well sabi mo nga hindi kasalanan niya yun kasi he laid his cards sa akin at ako namang may katangahan din sa buhay ay talagang pinagpilitan ang sarili sa kanya… haha

Pinag aaralan ko pa rin hanggang ngayon na mabuhay na hindi siya iniisip. Napakahirap alisin sa sistema nitong si Shawn. Kumbaga para akong hindi makahinga, pilit kong iwinawaksi siya araw araw pero sa paglubog ng araw pag nakahiga na ako at kausap si God, kasama pa rin sya sa mga dasal ko. Na sana masaya sya at nasa mabuting kalusugan…



Back to negative ako dito…



Yan yung mga plano ko sa buhay… pilit ko munang hindi iniisip ang lovelife, nakakainis kasi, minsan lang ako mainlove pumapalya pa, haha.

“eventhough a person does not love you the way you want them to doesnt mean that they don’t love you with all they have…”
...

for now Daniel my friend, Lets enjoy life and I do hope na matagpuan mo na ang taong magmamahal sa iyo ng buong puso at buong buhay nia, I know kung paano ka magmahal, ive seen it, ive heard it and ive felt it already… and as for me, nagpapakatatag, sinisimulan muli ang buhay na mag isa ...

God bless you and take care always!
STP,

Prince

---

We walked along the bridge and I saw how filthy the PASIG River has become. And I recall how Karen has made the comparison between me and the river, how low I have become and how selfish I have been for the past few months or so.

Three resounding slaps on my cheeks, in the middle of EDSA, above the filthy Pasig river. She was indeed an obedient friend. And I miss her brutality and the way she wanted me to wake up on the false fairy tale.

---

Blue River, give me reason to pretend,
The need to smile and to send
My heart and My tears,
And my life at last to mend…

Saturday, September 19, 2009

[vii] COLD COFFEE (k)NIGHT Epilogue

By virtue of my patience and my view on the kindness of human beings, I stayed put. I might have acquired a special ability to trust and have faith in peoples’ words in my 25 years of stay here on earth. Another hour I stayed. And at last he came.

With smiles I welcomed his presence again, and we took off. I have taken with me the cold coffee tumbler on the table as a memorabilia of the night and using my tired body I carried my dying heart. Wishfully asking to be saved on what he felt as an impending chaos. It seems my heart had sensed that the Angelo that came back was different.

And the new Angelo was engulfed by the old Angelo that I knew.

He kept on mentioning how his phone was so old blah blah blah.

He kept on mentioning how I made him wait in vain for long years, breaking (my unknown) promises to him. Blah blah blah

He kept on mentioning that he was the only one I can depend on. Blah blah blah

He kept on mentioning the protocol that we will do to enter the Motel: He will go there first for a reservation and will go to the room, then he will call me whenever hes in the room already for me to follow.

I waited, beside the Mercury drug, where he left me. It was never in my dream to enter such a place, a motel. But im kind and patient enough to give in not to temptation but for old times sake. But all this time it was Shawn who was on my mind. Even though im free as a bird, it was always his face that pops up on my head to remind me who I really love, pity, it was not mutual.

It seems the heavens has heard my plea, there were too much reservations that night and the motel cant occupy us. Though he took the money for the reservation for him to buy a new phone, oh well. The journey ended at his apartment, my body so tired of the whole 24 hours had given up. He cannot use me physically, emotionally, sexually anymore. I said no. Angelo was furious that I cant do the things we used to do when we were in college. I cant even kiss him.

He stood up, we dressed up without a single word. We went out of the apartment still mute. He hailed a taxi, still in silent mode. And he went off leaving me behind. No goodbyes, no sorry, not even a wince of care.

As I stood in the middle of the street, he literally abandoned me and left me to suffer the impending chaos. I turned around, saw the dark street that Angelo used to escape, to my battlefront was an inevitable stampede of emotions. I looked around, stupid as I have been acting all night long, “this is supposed to be the time when my hero would appear, but where is he…?

---

The coffee tumbler that I held was cold and the knight was nowhere to be found. The coffee aint good anymore, the knight was never meant to have a shining armor.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

[vi] COLD COFFEE (k)NIGHT

I decided to give it a go. Disaster was my first thought when I have made up my mind to meet Angelo. I had been cynical all this time when it comes to people like him, and I was proven wrong. It feels good when people prove you wrong.

The night was young and we still have tomorrow to celebrate life. We walked gleefully from EDSA to the not so far apartment where he currently lives. While walking we just kept on glancing at each other trying to figure things out, taking our time to wait for the heavy atmosphere of our reunion to subside. We were waiting for the correct time to deliver the punch lines, the exact time to smile and laugh and maybe the serendipitous moment to love, just maybe. I let him decide what we ought to do on a night like this. We reached his apartment in no time, damn; he was a neighbor to a TV station compound, where he was currently working as one of the people behind famous teleseryes of the station. It was indeed a great honor to be with the person who conceptualized the backbone story of my favorite show on TV.

He let me wait outside the apartment to avoid suspicions from his land lady, whom, according to him, by reputation was a certified chismosa. I stared at the moonlight above, how perfect this day could be, had breakfast with the couple Brix and Brian at Tagaytay, the whole stretch of the afternoon with Shawn at Trinoma and a night with my friend Angelo. We had no plans yet, maybe im in to some surprise tonight.

“Tara, lets go, so where to spend the night, ikaw ang taya ha. Hehe, antagal mo na kaya ako tiniis ano.” Exclaimed Angelo as he slinged his back pack on his left shoulder, smiling at me like a little boy wanting some candy.

“Sure ba, ako taya. Basta ba wag mo na ako kakagatin ulet. Hehe.” I teased. And that started it.

Since he was tonights Boss, I let him decide on the itinerary of the night. As I glanced on the big sign of the station in front of me, he has already hailed a cab that will take us to Trinoma.

The ride was quite short, in no time we were walking towards a fine dining restaurant. We sat comfortably on a table opposite two goodlooking men, that we both concluded as partners. The waiters took our order and while waiting for the food, just like a showbiz oriented talk show, we started the segment “True Confessions”.

He had loads of stories to tell, about his experiences as a writer. Being an extra for a teleserye he is currently working on also as a scriptwriter. He also showed pictures and trailers of the upcoming show he was involved. And of course the interview would not be complete if the topic about sex wasn’t touched.

“So kamusta naman ang sexlife at lovelife mo?” I discreetly asked him.

He smiled at the mention of the subject. Somehow.

“Ayos naman, pero lovelife wala, hehehe, kilala mo ba si Arthur yung taga university natin dati?” Angelo asked me back.

How can I forget Kuya Art? he was a friend, a brother and im definitely a certified fan. He was the most gorgeous and one of the most loved person in the university. Like Angelo, Arthur was a runner up on a university Beauty pageant, which incidentally was organized by our organization. He was not just a pretty faced gentleman, he was also very kind and husband material to girls and gays alike. Unfortunately he died young at 28. What a loss, I didn’t even had the chance to… May he rest In peace.

“Oo naman, malilimutan ko ba naman si Kuya Art, eh Crush ko yun, sayang nga lang at maaga syang namatay, hindi ko man lang sya… Teka wag mong sabihin na natikman mo syang loko ka…?” I rasied my voice on the last words.

He just smiled an evil smile.

“I though he was straight? He even had a girlfriend that time, and boy, Ate Karla was so beautiful…?” I exclaimed and surprised on his revelation.

And it all comes back to me now, he has a prowess in hooking up with known figures in school, specifically with VP’s of the student council. I was a vice president once, Kuya Liam was a vice president before me and Kuya Art also. Somehow he was like a serial killer with specific targets.

“I was there during the times he needed a friend, he even invited me to come over his house a lot of times, just a pity he died young. The hospital had a malpractice that caused his early demise…” He explained with a sad tone to me, though I cant feel if he cared for him or loved him, or just maybe he had moved on, Kuya Art was 4 years resting already.

I shared little information about me and my life when we parted ways years ago, limited stories about my life but juicy nonetheless. He knows I have no lovelife, and i think it doesn’t matter anyway, or so I thought. I didn’t mention Shawn to him.

The dinner was served hot. We shared food like old friends that met on a lonely road. We laughed out loud when we watched a comedy film afterwards. We left the mall with a happy and thumping heart. Though the night was getting late, we weren’t finished on bonding. He invited me to have a drink at a coffee shop still in QC. Though he had previously planned to take me in a comedy bar, he wasn’t able to because there was a meeting with his co-writers late night. Thus a plan was formed. I will have to wait for him for about two hours in this coffee shop.

First Hour.

I agreed for old time’s sake. He left me with nothing to do but to scan the broadsheet in front of me. I scanned stories about politics, fashion, showbiz and more showbiz as I remember correctly. Patience was my best virture, just think of it, i had waited all my life for the person meant for me, and maybe he was the one, so two gruesome hours would be tiny compared to the years ive waited. extreme as i maybe, i will wait.

First and a half Hour.

But i hate it when people leave me behind, with no guarantee that they will come back for me or no assurance that somebody would be nice enough to find me lost in the haystack. I felt i was a stranger in the city, i dont know what terrors were looming in the streets of Manila. But i was also an optimist that counters this grim trait.

Luckily I have Daniel, on the other end of Manila, who accompanied me while waiting for Angelo. We had a little chitchat over txt messaging on the goings on of the PLU world that we live in and he was very kind enough to answer questions. He was also positive enough and brushed my ego. Maybe Angelo was the one for me after all the bad things that happened in the past. Maybe this was the beginning again of something new for me. Maybe in about an ahour or so, he would come back like a knight in shining armor to pick you up where you had fallen. Maybe he has the answers to all your questions...

Maybe.

Two Hours

Two hours had past and no Andy came back. The coffee tumbler that I held was cold and the knight was nowhere to be found. The coffee aint good anymore, the knight was never meant to have a shining armor.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

[v] THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD

“Im in love with a person who cannot love me back, thats the biggest problem in the whole wide world” I answered with a smirk to Daniel when he asked why I was so sober.

“Kasi naman you knew from the start that this isn’t meant to be, eh pinilit mo pa rin.” He answered cheerfully.

“Hindi ko pinilit, it just happened. I was there when he needed me, he asked for my help and I gladly gave it to him, I didn’t know I would fall. In fact hes not even my type.” I sounded bitter, especially on the last part of the sentence.

“That’s the point, he asked for your help and you did what you have to do as a friend. But did he asked for your heart too? Bakit mo binigay yun, the fact that he didn’t ask that part, hindi nya yun hiningi, ikaw lang si tanga ang nagbigay ng kusang loob.” Daniel stabbed me directly into my heart and I died inside his restaurant.

He was right. Shawn asked for my help numerous times, but he never asked for that bloody piece of me, never, but i gave it up willingly even if not asked.

“Alam mo I have to go na Daniel, maybe Angelo is waiting na for me. I don’t wanna be late.” I turned my back on Daniel and left his “Cloud” restaurant. Maybe Angelo is the answer to all of this.

"Dyan ka magaling Prince, you keep on escaping the fact that he will never be the one for you..."

---

“San nga ulet tayo magkikita?” I texted Angelo for the third time to confirm the place where we will meet after 5 years of not seeing each other. To rekindle our burned out flame… I don’t know…

Prnice, See you at Mcdonalds, Quezon City, 8pm.”

The fact that he was a runner up in a university pageant when we were in college and a student leader back then, I cant seem to perceive the stupidity of this text message. To top it all, he doesn’t know the correct spelling of my name.. “Pusang gala naman, oo. There are so many Mcdonalds food chain in Quezon City, how would I know which one is the correct place.” I told myself as the train started its ascend to the north stations. Oblivious of the message I looked at my side to see that eventhough the train was crowded to the extent that people were face to face with each other, I cant help but think how alone I was.

Then out of nothing, I felt that there was something missing. I checked my back pocket – my wallet was there, the two front pockets-keys ok, some candies on the left. I checked my backpack – celphone-ok, Camera-ok, spare clothes – including the Giordano shirt from Daniel, some receipts, passport-ok…. “Everything’s intact, but why do I feel this way, why do I feel that somethings amiss? its odd...” I asked myself as I slowly touched my pursed lips with my right hand, going down to my neck and to my chest. Then I knew from there why I was bothered. “Oh my, this aint my heart anymore…” I whispered softly while I touched my beating heart that seems to be a stranger inside of me. “Of all people why did you chose him…?”

The conversation with my heart was interrupted by my vibrating celphone. It was Angelo’s seemingly correct reply with my previous question. I think he came to his senses already and knew that there was something lacking in his previous message.

Prnice, Mcdo, Quezon City, near MRT. See you there.”

Two things: still not quite clear and my name was misspelled again. My heart was mellow because of the previous calming presence of Shawn, I felt heavenly- I don’t wanna end the day in a bad way, so I don’t wanna end up arguing with somebody. Nobody will ruin this day.

Somehow I can read between Angelo’s lines now, there was one Mcdonalds in Quezon Avenue, near a Giant TV station where he was currently working.

---

“Quezon Avenue station…” The baritone voice announced the arrival of the train on my station. I prepared myself on the onslaught of anger and false accusations from Angelo.

As I trail down my way to the fast food chain to meet Angelo, I recalled our last conversation on the net which ended in an unpleasant manner- him being angry with me and accused me of things I never imagined doing to a friend. He was angry at me because I failed to meet him numerous times. He almost always bragged about my “so called” promises of giving him a brand new celphone, shoes and some other things that he needed during those trying times, my broken promises, that’s his weapon against me. He even told me that ive let him down so many times and he just cant accept the fact that that’s the way I repaid him, the one and only person who accepted me with all of his heart.

I sent him a message telling that I am already here and waiting. He replied that he will arrive in just a few minutes from his apartment. I entered the fast food chain; I conveniently sat on an empty table near the door, eagerly waiting for him, looking beyond the darkness of the moonless night. From this point forward, my life was a well mix up of muddy hue of my past and the blurred images of the future, how can my present survive this onslaught.

Then out of the darkness of the night, I saw him march his way to me. He came without any trace of angst or any anger in his face. Kingly as a lion in the desert, his decent can be characterized by a knight in a cold December evening, his horse, galloping his way towards the person he was about to save from the impending pandemonium. I pretended I did not see him, to pretend that I am surprised and thrilled to see him again after 5 long years, and indeed I was. When he tapped my back, strong enough to make me wince in pain, I saw him smile a caring and tender smile. He seems different; the demon that I was expecting to combat was not him, instead a kind angelic figure was in front of me. He looked younger than the last time I saw him, hes buffer now and all the excess fats were gone, he’s taller than me, and damn he looks sexy. AS I see him, his qualities were the qualities that Shawn’s lookin for a mate.

“Maybe he knows where I can find letting go and moving on…” I told myself.

“Ano kamusta ka na, long time no see, kala ko nakalimutan mo na ko.” AS he told me while his left arm arched its way to my right shoulders, a gesture that Shawn will never do.

Relieved as I am, he’s not Angelo that ive known in the past. The materialistic and egotistic person was all but gone. “Ok lang ako, its nice to see you again. Kumain ka naba, wag ka mag alala, ako taya ngayon.” I replied with the sweetest smile my face could ever give.

“Gwapo at macho mo na ngayon ah, crush na kita ulet!” I exclaimed to him and I cant help but grin when I saw him smile back.

“Ikaw lang eh, iniwan mo ako. 5 years yun ah.”

It wasn’t love at second sight, but I was extremely happy that I have a friend back in my life. This was the start of the longest and most unforgettable night of my life.

Maybe he is the answer to the BIGGEST PROBLEM IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

Friday, September 11, 2009

[iv] FAST FOOD CHAIN

I felt oddly chirpy as I was trailing down the MRT station going to Trinoma, I cant help but realize how wonderful the day was, setting aside the polluted air that I breath, the carbon infested stairs im trudging and somehow the unpretty face of the traffic below. Maybe it was because my fare from the not so far south to Manila was free or maybe it was the wonderful time ive spent with great friends previously or the thought that im gonna meet someone special, made the bells ring.

I was running late on our meet up for the first time ever. I always make it a point to arrive at least 30 minutes early, and today it was all but trashed. Maybe it was a sign that not all heroes can do all things at once, hence being his self proclaimed Hero, I confess that Im still human and have flaws. I’m quite sure hes very hungry, I promised him that ill treat him for lunch today. Unfortunately, before our meet up was finalized, I was previously invited by a sweet couple, both good friends of mine, to have an early lunch at CLOUD’s Tagaytay, owned by a good friend Daniel, I cant help but accept the invitation, the thing was both lunch dates were scheduled at the same day. With my heart full of stories that me, Brix and Brian shared over the festive meal, I immediately pranced my way towards the nearest Starbucks, our regular meet up place, for me to meet the lunch deprived Shawn. He knew very well that I would be late, but I still feel guilty that I had that very fulfilling lunch with friends while he waited for me happily. I do hope he did not feel that he was least of my priorities.

“I’m here already, where are you?” were the words that I instantly typed on my mobile phone as I sped my way to the meeting place. The mall was quite busy today, being weekends. Within a minute or two my phone vibrated and it was Shawn’s message “Dito lang ako sa Data Blitz, may tinitingnan lang. Wait for me there, im on my way.”

I eagerly waited for him, I dare not follow him to Data Blitz coz I don’t know where exactly was that shop. After a few minutes have passed, there he was, carried by the escalator towards me. He looks a little frail and delicate, and in his aura, hes still sporting the heartbreak that he recently had, Andrew had left him. still the inexplicable charm that he possess lingers on his physique as he trail down like a model in a catwalk. Shawn’s simple get up of plain t-shirt and worn out jeans cannot hide his good looks and endearing personality.

When he was just meters away from me, my heart was telling me to hug him tightly for me to show how much I missed him, the fact that it was only a few days ago that we last met each other. “Do I look good enough for him?” I asked myself as I saw him checking me out, “probably my fashion wasn’t that good at all. Inches away from him, I managed to just tap his shoulder two times, like what I always do to friends. “Im Sorry, im so late… im sure your hungry, lets go grab some plate..?” I said excitedly as ever. “San mo gusto?”

I can decide for myself, that’s true, but if im with someone else, I tend to favor the things that certain someone likes, and definitely ill love it too… That’s why im no good in choosing a place to eat, moreover what to eat, when situations like this occur…

He was also clueless to where we will eat, we surveyed the crowded mall and to no avail all fastfood chains were occupied, I planned to take him to fine dining resto, but my budget doesn’t allowed me, so after sometime, Shawn decided to eat in Tokyo Tokyo. It was my first time in Tokyo Tokyo, so I wasn’t familiar with anything that they are offering. AS per Shawn’s knowledge, their Tonkatsu was the best so we settled for Two set of Pork Tonkatsu’s with rice and Chocolate Mousse for desert.

And there we were, me facing him, him eating my heart out. Sometimes I ask myself why someone falls for another if they are not really meant for each other…? It just don’t make any sense at all. You find a treasure, in front of you, you wanted to keep it, but it wasn’t meant for you but for another person... How can someone who just happened to give you an extra smile, a tighter hug, a firmer handshake and a bonus closeness own your stupid heart, faster than the service of Tokyo Tokyo.

“Why arent you eating?” He asked me as he lifted his face up to face mine as I slowly memorize the contour of his face.

“Actually I finished my lunch already with Brix and Brian. Remember them?” I bit my lips hoping that he wont be jealous that I prioritized them instead of him, my best friend.

“Ahh, yeah right, i do hope they’re fine.” He smiled at me as he was enjoying his lunch, me enjoying the time im spending with him. It seems that all problems that I have, vanishes when im with him, no worries on life existed when im with him, no crisis is permanent when I think of his smiles, his taps on my shoulder. I just wish I can steal more time from him for me, to satiate my hunger for peace and tranquility.

But our time was limited. We were just friends, no more or less. He has his own problems to deal with and I have my own world to survive in. How was I foolish enough to think that there is a possibility that here in the fast food chain that we were currently face to face, he would tell me how much important my presence means to him, how much he craved to hold me in his arms and whisper the things I always wanted to hear from him. But I knew all along, right from the first time I saw the shadow of his eyes, that he loved someone else, his precious one, the treasure of his life, and I will just be an ordinary pearl in the sea of oysters… But eventhough I knew that this feelings will open up my heart to enormous pain, that same love also heals me from it. How ironic that would be, and when will I wake up from this dream which will never come true…

After ordering two more extra rice, ive shared mine to him, I laughed so loud, the moment he finished all four cups. Two things, Shawn was starving or that’s the correct amount food intake his stomach can digest. I didn’t eat as much as him, but im very sure im much fuller than him, the heart that is.

I had another meet up that night, I have told him time and again about the person whom im gonna meet. I was just hoping that he would say no to this meet up. But he insisted that I should go. Maybe he was hoping that the next counter would be the one who will accept me and my excess baggages, or maybe he cares enough for me and lets me wander around and not be confined with his presence or maybe he wants me to enjoy the life that I have for now or maybe he wants to push me away so that he can also be free from me.

I was overanalyzing the situation again.

I know our time was short so I have taken the priveledge to ride the MRT with Shawn on his way home, from north to south, eventhough Angelo was waiting for me on the MRT one station up north. Riding with him, my right shoulder touching his left shoulder meant a lot to me. It was those intimate moment that I never dreamed would come true… We talked a lot, laughed a lot, giggled a lot, like what true friends do.

The train stopped, and its parting time again, we tapped each others shoulder, bid our pleasant goodbyes, he turned his back away from me… I do hope the next food chain of the night would erase the pain that is now overwhelming me. Maybe Angelo knows the fast food chain where I can find moving on and letting go for free.

---

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I think dat d only reason people hold on to memories so tight is bcoz memories are d only things that don't change, wen everybody else does. - DANIEL