Flick the Lights Goodbye

Have you ever dreamed a dream that feels so true yet after you woke up in the morning youd realize its impossible to happen? The moment you open your eyes, from wet pillows and from the truth the crept from the window to your face, youd only wish that this reality be destroyed and let the darkness of yourself reign, for your dreams to continue- never wanting to wake up again.

There will come a night when no one will dream of me. Only lints of my presence will linger in their innermost thoughts. One day – time, distance and coldness will erase me from your memory, never wanting to remember the great so many things that happened and the lowly bad happenings that transpired between us… Never wanting me to be included in the dreams that visit you at night, never needing my presence that I thought was forever. But I will never erase you from mine, I always look forward to the time I flick the lights goodbye, when the darkness and me are one. The time when my eyes get tired and my thoughts run wild from blissful sleep. For it’s the only place and time I can see and feel your presence. I wanted this to last forever with or without you. If this forever ends one burning day- where dreams cease and wishes, promises and vows are taken for granted, I will stay and will be there hoping for another forever with you to start.

In my dream, I dreamed to build you a monument for me to always adore and cherish you. A physical manifestation of your beauty and impact in my life… but you were not meant to have a monument made of stone nor have a bust adorned by glamorous gems, for in time they will decay and be destroyed- erased from this cruel world. I simply built you a solid room inside my heart, and there you will stay, will be cherished, will be remembered, will be the answer to why I still dream despite all the hurt that the world has inflicted in a poor soul.

You. You will always be my dream, elusive and true. A wish made by my heart in the solitude night. The promise that brings me home. The thought the never fails to linger.

People are made to fall asleep to dream and wake up to a day in order to fulfill the wishes made through the night. Maybe someday dreams as wishes will be granted. Most of the time we had just to wake up and stand up to leave the darkness behind, never wanting to believe that some magic do exist. But one thing will remain true, waking up without you is like sleeping knowing it’s another lonely solitude night.

‘A dream is a wish your heart makes’ - Cinderella

I LOVE YOU LINES

(a repost, originally posted 13.04.08)

Someone way way back told me with full conviction that when two couples are in the process of getting to know each other and will eventually turn out to be couples, he strongly affirm that the first one who will say I LOVE YOU to the other will be the loser in the end of their relationship if ever it will turn sour or in short, not meant to be… somehow I got this mantra from him and as much as I could, I don’t wanna say those three words if im not sure for I don’t want to lose in the end… who wants to lose anyway…

“eh di I LOVE YOU na…”

I was talking to him on the phone, five months ago and were talking about stars and the crickets of the farm… ive told him this story about two friends who were in love with each other but they were afraid to tell their true feelings for they don’t wanna lose their friendship or their love may not be returned. And then he blurted the three words to me, I am unprepared… I don’t know, I think he don’t trust me… Now were friends.

“I LOVE YOU NGA…”

A very close friend in college, nicknamed TIN, showed so much interest on me to my delight. HE was also a student leader, actually my superior, and i spent good times with him during our term as student leaders… The thing was, he constantly expresses his admiration to me, again to my delight and astonishment. He sometimes hugs me, even though im frail and thin, and I really enjoyed the attention from him, all those laughs and all the nice activities weve done, not on bed of course but on our extra curricular activities in the university… Hes now a regular correspondence a great friend.

“ANO, mahal mo rin ba ako…?”

He first asked me this question and I think I am obliged to answer YES, because of the fact that im in his house, beside him on his bed and barenaked… Though the answer was clear, I was never serious about the answer, lest on our relationship. There was the opening remark but there was never a closure. I was supposed to love him but I didn’t, I was supposed to be supportive but I wasn’t, I was supposed to be a friend but I failed him. And now hes angry at me and demands that I make up with him - yun nga lang he needs- cellphone, or new nike shoes or maybe money… I believe that im generous enough to give him what he wanted, pero i do have brain you know… Still he is waiting for me to make up with him, i cant say if that is longing because of love or just material love. I plan to talk to him on Decemeber to clear things between us.

“I LIKE YOU…”

There is a thin line between the word LIKE and LOVE, same as the fine line between a FRIEND and a LOVER… “Like” is somewhat the bridge that will lead two persons to love. Someone said this line to me and what I said to him was genuinely true: "I LIKE YOU ALSO". I thought we will cross the bridge together, but he is a little impulsive and talks about the end and the hurt whilst, we are not yet crossing the bridge. Now we are still friends, very close and very tight.

“LUV YOU, MWAAH”

Know what, ive learned something new from a friend who oftentimes relates himself to you… “Don’t believe in everything people are telling you…”. Based on my situation with you, he calls it “FOOLS HOPE”. Nevertheless, i do love you and I mean it with all of my heart, love never dies, im sure of it because for six years the flame still is burning, but I have to stand my ground and hold on to my thin rope so that I wont fall deeper on the hole that you are creating. Still im always here for you, like what I am telling to all of my dear friends. It was never a crime to love somebody and not to receive that love back,, or should I say on the form that you expect it to be… its so normal in this world. I know, i know... you might not be the PRINCE for me but i will always be youre KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR...

“…”

Sometimes unspoken words are mightier than those flowery, oftentimes saccharine speeches on love… Just by his touch and his kisses on me I can feel he has finally learned to love me, though suppressed and visionless. I thank him for that. To the number of moments we spent together alone, we never said I LOVE YOU, its not essential in this place, we know very well that we will never be together so why risk and invest too much emotions on a thing that is not really meant to be… Were still missed call buddies, once in a blue moon, the thing is - he now comes to me instead of me coming to his FORTRESS...

---

But if losing is the only way to fit the missing piece of the puzzle... i wanted to lose... in the arms of a person whom ill offer my heart.

Now where the hell are you Shade? im Waiting. I will risk losing if its in your arms- i will fall. Losing will not be bad after all...

Beyond the Night

Beyond the Night
by Cloud

Shard:
Dusk is unfolding, hiding life’s splendor
Darkness engulfs my rainbow colored scepter
Mighty knight ill be, but my voice and sword are weak
And I cannot face the terror looming in
The gloominess of sunless melody

Cloud:
Lifeline cornered, lightless chaos plunders
Nightingale hums, there’s hope in thy endeavor
Close your eyes my dear, embrace the moonless night with me
And you’ll see that there is beauty lying here
No need to fear the darkness' harmony

Shard:
Fortress crumbling, terrorized by lightning
Darkness seems to be as cold as polar icing
Darling cant you see, that im lonely as can be
But I trust that we will both make it through
The sadness of my soul's symphony

Cloud:
Hold me, trust me, absorb my warmest kisses
Reflect your thoughts, so harm will cease his efforts
Let our dreams begin, destroy the nightmare with my hymn
Let my voice surround our bastion, now in dim
To survive a night of cold summer wind

Shard:
Colorless night sky, creeps to the horizon
Flowers fall prey, unwilling to dark sanctum
Its not time to rest, for its our time to test
If the darkness will invade and destroy our bonds
Don’t throw your life just to save my foolish heart

Cloud:
Don’t be silly, the night will leave us unscathed
Just believe, our love will be our stronghold
Lie here with me, and observe the night’s beauty
Filled with diamonds, sparkling, baby can you see?
There’s a falling star, close your eyes and make a wish

Shard:
I Succumb to your undying passion
You are my life, my unending illumination

Cloud:
I’ll love you, all the way
Beyond the night, unto the day
And then again well both have to
Face the dusk again…
As long as im with you
Darkness will subside
As long as im with you
Dreams will survive

(reprise)

(faceless):
I hide in the darkness, just to check if your okay
Beside the willow, i crept and saw you with him
All that i can do, is just stare at your rendezvous
Though it starts to break my heart, i know its hard
Let my love to you be sacrificed...

To Have and To Hold

Dear Shade,

Have you ever held someone’s hand so tight you don’t wanna let go? That you wished your hands have Rogue’s absorbing power but this time the power is to take away the pain? You see ive held someone’s hand, a very sincere and caring grasp; it was a first for me. Ive never actually held someone so tight, it hurts to be free from that tight grip. I was on a mission to take away the pain, but alas I don’t have the power to do that, I only have the ability to counter the pain away by smiling and joke around him and in turn make him smile too and make him feel im just gonna be around, yes far am I, but still very much present. Lots of things happened, but no feelings have been told. But yet again one thing is for sure, I care, and im willing to hold his hand again, tightly but with utmost sincerity and care, when him and I are together once more - that is, if he still needs me to hold him close.

Lots of love,

Cloud

Iyong Ulap at Aking Bituin

(likha ni Ulap noong 13.12.07)

Nais kong hakutin
Sanlaksang bituin
Bubuo ng bagong araw
Na magniningning
Sa kulimlim na umaga
Sa nagbabadyang dilim
Bagong silahis ng pag-asa
Na ako ay iyo ring mamahalin

Bagamat likha lamang
Ng aking mga kamay
Sa kinabukasan ay
Ikaw pa rin ang hinihintay
Kahit maubos pa
Ang kanyang luningning
Mananatili pa rin
Nagliliyab na damdamin

Nais kong pigain
Mga ulap sa langit
Mga mapuputing bulak
Magdudulot ng ulang malamig
Magpaparamdam
Ng dalisay na damdamin
Magdidilig sa natuyong pag-ibig
Pati na sa amos ng ating nakaraan
Lulunurin tayo sa kagalakan

Oo ngat panandalian lamang
Ginhawang idinudulot
Ng aking ulan
Mag iiwan pa rin ito
Ng kaaya ayang kinang
Ng busilak na pagmamahalan
Sa kanyang paglipas
Kahit iyong ipagtabuyan
Sasamahan kita
Sabay haharapin ang alon
Matitinding sagupa ng tadhana

HATEU: Hold And Tenderly Embrace U

One, Two,

No need to call my phone
Coz I changed my number today
And matter fact I think I'm moving away
Sorry, the frustration's got me feeling that way
And I just keep having
One last thing to say…

Three,

I just wanna
Hold you, Touch you, Feel you, Be near you
I miss you Baby baby baby
I'm tired of tryna fake thru
But there's nothing I can do
Boy I can't wait to HATE U
Hold And Tenderly Embrace U

BEB

“Beb ko!!!”

That’s how Nigel used to call me back in college. He was a transferee from La Salle – Dasma, and became my classmate in majority of the subjects during my third year in college. He possesses a very strong personality, a prominent jaw line and compared to my lean body he was chubbier. People can say that we are opposite poles, and i guess they were right. The first time we sat together in the laboratory, we instantly clicked, there aint a spark, though. That’s how our relationship started, as dear friends.

I was then chairman of our departmental student organization. Though Nigel was just a member, he was so eager to help the whole team to organize and plan each and every activity that the organization sponsored. He was with me from the processing of the activity proposal up to the actual events. It makes me smile to remember that once he emceed our sponsored quiz bee, with his call center-like accent, during our “LIFE DAY” festivities. We used to share our meals too and sometimes I and our friends were in their house to hang out, to chill and have some drinks, to the dismay of his strict mother. His father died a few years back due to leukemia.

“Beb one year na tayo magkakilala ah!”

Little busier than normal, we had less time to talk, mingle and share stories , I was graduating that time and was elected in a higher position in the supreme student council. We barely met each other really. I urged him to run for chairmanship on our departmental organization and he did run but unfortunately he failed to topple Miguel, our classmate. I was guilty because I never did my part to campaign for Nigel, worst I never voted for him for Miguel was also a dear friend, thus ive written on the slot for President a long line indicating I will not vote for anyone. I confessed this to him and it might be the reason why we slowly fell apart. I was never a good friend, to him or to anybody in particular.

We bumped into each other one time in a rainy day of July. He no longer calls me “BEB”. I really didn’t care anyway. He will just be another person in the world, someone who will come and go. We talked a little, about his new classmates, about home, about life. And then I distinctly saw some black-bluish bruises in his arms. I asked about that and he just simply pulled down the sleeves of his polo to hide them. I never cared about the bruises, I never cared for a friend who might needed more time from me, a tighter hug, a firmer handshake… I was so full of myself, I never really cared on how he cared and helped me before, how he appreciated me in his life, maybe how I became an element in a chamber of his heart. My line of thinking was straight, study to graduate with honors, be a student leader as additional merit on the resume, leave all extra baggage’s, no strings should be attached to anyone..

“Beb Promise?”

After a few weeks or so Nigel was diagnosed with leukemia, he inherited the cancer from his father. He was confined in St. Lukes Hospital, blood transfusions after blood transfusions were done. All the newest medical practices were applied to cure him. They were rich, and I put that to myself that he can survive with all these medical advances. We had the same blood type “AB”. Somehow I knew he needed me, I knew he needed me beside him. I promised to help him through this, but I failed. I didn’t even had the TIME to visit him in the hospital. I didn’t even bothered to go there to give my blood to him. The only thing that I can give him, a vital chance for him to survive. I was so selfish.

---

“I’ll wait for you…”

A long night. I approached his casket looking at his pale face. He looks so serene and at peace, if not only for the glass and the wood separating us, I could have guessed that he was just sleeping. Ansakit sakit, the worst way to miss someone is to be beside them knowing that theyll never say i love you too when you say that you love them, not return your hug when you hug them so tight, not smiling back when you crack a joke for their day to become brighter. i felt that when i sat beside his coffin... what monster have i become?

I and few classmates decided to stay the whole stretch of the evening at the wake, to show how much we love Nigel. Funny and clichéd as it seems that only by death and losing someone or something that we finally know their true value in our life. Her mom recounted the sufferings that Nigel has gone through, as I ask myself how many times has she done the retelling, I can tell how much painful it was to see her son in pain and the reality that she cant do nothing to erase and alleviate the pain. “He waited for you in the hospital…” were the words that she said to end her story as her eyes rested on me.

It stroked me deepest because I am the one closest to him and I let him down, he didn’t even had his last wish granted to see me and our friends in his last days in this life, how evil have I become, and how I hated myself to have done such atrocity. A simple gesture to someone dear, I cannot give. I was there in the church as his mom cried through his Eulogy. I was near the porch of the church not wanting to go near him, for I was ashamed of myself. I just bowed my head in prayer for his soul, it pains me to be a failure to a person who needs me and my presence in the last moments of his life. I was at the tail of the procession with some friends who also deeply grieved his passing. I was almost the last one who left the cemetery. Just to whispher to him…

“Im sorry, im so sorry wala ako sa tabi mo noong kailangan mo ng kaibigan. Im sorry sana mapatawad mo ako…” I saw her mom smile and I bid goodbye. I turned my back, away from his earthly tomb, but I will never ever forget him. My Beb, My Dear Friend.

---

Redemption

Nigel changed me to become a better person. To care more about people whom I love, to give a helping hand to those in dire need of it, and to be humble in everything I do., to smile more often... He was one of the reason I seldom say promises, and if I do and say it, I will grant the promise in the best of my abilities, no matter what.

Nigel’s memory haunted me until Raoul came. Somehow ive felt that God has given me another chance to redeem myself from what I have done to a friend and thus I tried to become a friend, the truest one- the one who never leaves someone’s side, who understands, the patient and thoughtful one, the one who loves dearly and can give the BLOOD needed for one to survive… Though hindered by my evolved feelings for Raoul, I never left him, never a day that I abandoned him… I try to say to myself.

Maybe I was redeemed, maybe not.

---

Nigel wherever you are, im so sorry I left you, i miss you so much.

Raoul wherever you are, im so sorry if I failed you, but I never left you, never…